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DP has accused me of cheating on him

(283 Posts)
AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 14:38:56

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

2. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

3. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Sep-17 14:41:32

I'm sorry to say this but I think he is projecting his own feelings and actions onto you.

I think he's been unfaithful and h'es deflecting onto you

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 14:42:49

I should say that at the time with the chlamydia thing, I said to him " I haven't been with anyone else", and he said the same. I thought we trusted each other and I have not given it a second thought until yesterday.

Ecadia Thu 21-Sep-17 14:43:29

I think he has cheated on you while working away and is now shifting the blame on to you. Sorry

BitOutOfPractice Thu 21-Sep-17 14:44:13

The coldness and the working away also point to him being unfaithful I'd say

maxthemartian Thu 21-Sep-17 14:45:21

I'm afraid I third the other responses. The fact that he was away, came back weird and is projecting a load of cheating stuff speaks volumes.

Lobsterquadrille2 Thu 21-Sep-17 14:45:44

It sounds as if his time away has made him ponder marriage anew and maybe to wonder if he wants to leave his single life. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's cheated, but he seems to be casting his mind back in search of a get-out clause. It sounds incredibly hurtful.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Thu 21-Sep-17 14:47:08

First thing I thought was that he had been unfaithful to you and was projecting. Either way, doesn't sound like a healthy/trusting relationship - you sure you want to get married?

redannie118 Thu 21-Sep-17 14:48:01

Him cheating,no doubt. At the very very least hes got cold feet and is looking for a way out. You need to pull up your big -girl pants (not easy) and state as it is him not you that has been displaying odd behaviour and that this classic deflection, you want to see all his phone,email ,media etc. In return you are more than happy to do the reverse and show him all of your stuff as well to prove you have nothing to hide. His actions will give you all the answers you need. Good luck

MarmaladeIsMyJam Thu 21-Sep-17 14:48:35

Yep, agree with the others. I bet he's been cheating on you over the summer. Cancel the wedding!

Smeaton Thu 21-Sep-17 14:53:26

There is no good I can see from this.

He's either cheated and deflecting or he's being an emotional bully. Why bring it up now if he believes it happened in 2013? Is he hoping you'll beg and plead so that he can agree and 'Forgive' you? Even if none of that, it proves he'll dwell on issues and not speak openly or believe you.

No matter which way you cut it, you need to avoid marrying this man.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 21-Sep-17 14:53:59

Yep; he slept with someone in the summer and is now feeling guilty and justifying it with rubbish reasons from way back when that you might have done the same.

TheLegendOfBeans Thu 21-Sep-17 14:56:44

Sorry to pick at bad stuff but run the chlamydia thing past me again...

You got together in 2009
I'm guessing you didn't get tested before you had unprotected sex so you were unaware you had it
Then you test in 2013 and it comes back positive
And he didn't have it?
Did you ever see "proof" that he didn't have it?

I only ask as I wonder if he's never forgiven you for "giving it to him" or "putting him at risk" and is just hammering you with that as "proof" you're a wrongun because he's got cold feet?

That's why I'm in two minds re him cheating...I suspect some kind of transgression has happened that's made him question his relationship with you and now he's trying to end it via the cowards way out....making you hate him so you swing the axe.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 14:57:14

Shit.

I thought we had the perfect relationship. I feel completely blindsided.

Do you think Relate counsellor can help?

I would have actually forgiven him cheating, I think, if it was a one night stand. If he's cheated, then tried to destroy me like this deliberately, knowing I have done nothing wrong, it is unforgivable.

I know it is classic MN Relationships line but HONESTLY I have been with him for eight years and I never, ever in a million years would have thought he could cheat.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 14:59:35

No, I never saw his test results.

I am all over the place. I don't know if he genuinely doubts me or not. I don't know which is worse.

I can't believe this is happening.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 15:01:09

Yes, 2009 we got together. I must have already had it (unless he is a fucking liar and an amazing, Oscar worthy one too).

TurnipCake Thu 21-Sep-17 15:01:17

I think he doesn't want to get married and is behaving in a way in the hope that you'll postpone or call it off.

PaintingByNumbers Thu 21-Sep-17 15:02:42

Yup, another cheating projecting vote, sorry op

ptumbi Thu 21-Sep-17 15:02:50

He;s cheated - and is casting about looking for a way to make this a problem with you.

I wouldn't bother trying to explain yourself. you can;t prove yourself innocent.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 21-Sep-17 15:03:10

I never, ever in a million years would have thought he could cheat.

Nobody ever does, sadly. It's a rare woman who stays with someone who she thinks would cheat - it happens; but it's rare!

I'm not a snooper; I'd talk to him and leave if I didn't feel that I'd got the truth, but you have to go about this in your own way. One way or another you have to ascertain if he's cheated; if he has what the details of that are, and whether you can get past this - and then even if you can, whether you want to marry him in four weeks.

For me, id postpone - I wouldn't want my marriage tarred by this if it did happen - and then I'd talk to him and give him a last chance to put his cards on the table.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Sep-17 15:04:48

As many others have said, I would bet the family farm that he has cheated and is deflecting his guilt onto you. He may also be acting like a complete jerk with the hope you'll break up with him because he's to much of a coward to do it himself. The sudden emotional withdrawal, accusations of cheating - it's textbook behaviour.

Mustang27 Thu 21-Sep-17 15:05:02

Hmmm I’m not convinced he got negative results and possibly he was the one that infected you. Always always get an sti test at beginning of a relationship then again the first time you sleep together unprotected especially as a woman because have these viruses for so long untreated can leave you infertile. I have no idea how you move forward from this, sorry.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Sep-17 15:06:01

To add to the above - do NOT marry this man. Red flags flying and disaster guaranteed.

JumpingJellybeanz Thu 21-Sep-17 15:06:14

Sorry but I'm with the others. My first thought was that he's cheated so is rewriting history to assuage his guilt.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx Thu 21-Sep-17 15:06:56

Are there any medical mumsnetters who can explain if a false negative or false positive is a thing?

I know it doesn't matter really and is a question of trust. But I am struggling to understand.

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