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I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly(180 Posts)
So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.
He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.
I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.
I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.
Update... Forgot to mention he is also rejecting me sexually. This morning he pulled the covers away which is normally my cue to either touch him or give him a blowjob. However, when I put my hand down he pushed me away and rolled over.
Later on I went up to the room and he asked me to get his phone. It was lying on the bed and I could clearly see he'd had a wank. Not sure if he wanted me to notice this.
Firstly well done you for recognising that you have a problem and tackling it. Your boyfriend is a selfish twat. I'd kick him to the kerb and get on with your life. Is it possible that you didn't see this side of him until you were sober? He should be supporting and encouraging you, not making it all about him and his supposedly hurt feelings. Don't waste any more energy on him.
PS. Is it worth getting some professional help from GP / AA etc to keep you on track with your recovery? Don't let your arsehole boyfriend upset and derail you.
Okay, well while I am truly sorry that your boyfriend is being an arsehole, long term, he is doing you a favour. Get him gone. He isn't supportive and he won't suddenly become so. You will need supportive and non-judgmental people around you
Not to mention, it doesn't even sound fun and you've been together such a short time (in the grand scheme of things), he pays no attention to you on a day to day basis and your sex life is dead in the water. What's the point?
As a side note,
which is normally my cue to [...] give him a blowjob
I second Couchpotato3. Whilst it is true that you have 'lied' (if you can call it that.. not sure) you have a massive addiction to alcohol, most people who are in the same position as you also hide it, sneak drinks, keep it secret etc. Its the nature of the addiction. Anyone who had your best interests at heart should be supportive, pleased that you confessed and be looking at ways to help you. His reaction is childish, selfish, ignorant and a really baaaad move to an addict. It could push you out of your recovery. What a twat. Whilst he is saying he didn't notice you were drunk, this in itself speaks volumes to me. He didn't notice YOU at all. I can't advise what you should do but if this was my husband (or boyfriend) behaving like this I would go totally and utterly nuts. I took a very brave decision by you to admit to yourself you had a problem, to then go on and admit it to him must have taken so much courage. Well done for doing that and I hope you find a way forward and manage to stick to a recovery plan. I personally think you would be better off doing that alone. Punishing you by rejecting you is truly a wanky (pardon the pun) move. Please show him this thread, show him that I think he's a Twat with a capital T.
Also, and I am sorry to have missed this in my previous post, well done you for realising you have a problem and seeking to rectify it. That's a huge step and one you should be proud of. I second coachpotato 's suggestion of AA, why go it alone when you don't have to?
You have admitted to a problem with drink.
What you haven't yet acknowledged is you have a problem boyfriend. Your "cue" to touch him or give him a bj ? Does he leave 20 quid on the dresser afterwards ?
He was cheated on by his ex wife and he is almost comparing my lying to that. He says he doesn't know who he has been living with. I've tried to explain that the whole nature of an addiction means that you hide of because otherwise it would make things difficult to get the fix of the 'drug'. It's hardly like I wake up in the morning and think I would love some vodka. I know it is messing up my life and my emotional wellbeing but the cravings take over and it is a compulsion. I know it's a selfish thing but anyone who understands knows what the draw of it is like.
He said he used to drink to excess when he was younger and then grew out of it
He is almost implying it is an immature act. He thinks it's a simple case of me choosing not to have a drink and going out to do exercise instead. I've explained alcohol has become my best friend and worst enemy. I use it as my coping mechanism for everything bad or stressful in my life.
Normally he is usually lovely. We just had a great holiday that hr paid for and didn't argue the whole week. However, in the past when we've had disagreements he has a tendency to withdraw into himself and sulk.
Well done for acknowledging you have a problem.
Sorry you confided in the wrong person. Don't let that stop you seeking the help and support you need from professionals.
As someone who has been very close to an alcoholic (family, not partner) I would say that your boyfriend is not the person who can or should be helping you through this.
My advice to him, having been in a similar place to where he is, would be to leave. Getting caught up in someone else's addiction and recovery is a head fuck. It consumed years and years of my life that I'll never get back. So many opportunities wasted.
But my advice to you would also be to leave him - addiction or no addiction. Because he sounds like a selfish twat.
Well done for realising you had a alcohol problem, do not use this man baby's reaction sabotage your efforts in staying sober.
What his Ex did to him does not excuse his behaviour towards you. Sulking is sign of immaturity and he either discusses this with you like an adult or he goes but do not let him use this as another stick to beat you with. Relationships aren't all plain sailing and sometimes there's the rough and if he isn't capable/ willing to work through the rough, then your setting yourself for misery.
You can not prioritise massaging his ego and staying sober at the same time, you have to choose.
What’s he normally like? Do you mean that’s your cue for things to become sexual and pleasure is reciprocated or is it purely your cue to service him.
If he’s normally a good guy, give him time. He may have no experience of addiction and that’s why he equates it with heavy drinking that you just grow out of. If you’ve been hiding it, this must come as a big shock. Half a litre of vodka is shocking and he might be reeling at how he can support you to get over that.
Ask him to look up Al-Anon.
If he isn’t a good guy usually, then leave and get professional support.
Get professional support regardless, we’ll done for trying to change things.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it. I went to my Dr about 3 months ago about this but it seems it could take around 6 months to see anyone.
From previous conversations, I gather that my boyfriend's dad had a problem with alcohol at one time and he could get violent. This might be a reason for his reaction.
His reaction has shaken and panicked me. I am clinging to him but he is pushing me away. In fact that's not entirely true. He spends half his time being nice and asking if I'm OK and the rest being quiet and withdrawn. I understand it came as a big shock especially as he had no suspicions whatsoever. I didn't tell him how much I actually drink and he hadn't asked. I just said I drink vodka in the evening when I'm feeling bad about myself. He asked what was wrong in my life and I tried to emphasis that I wasn't drinking because I was unhappy with him but that it was an addiction.
As the partner of someone with an addiction, yes he should be supportive of course but he's had a massive shock. It is very hard to differentiate the addiction from the person and it's easy to say that lying and deceit are part of the illness when you're removed from the situation, but when it's your partner it's not as easy as that. My DH has done some horrible things when in active addiction and I'm still trying to get my head round them (he's in recovery). Also being an addict doesn't excuse what you've done, it explains it but you still need to take responsibility (this will come later). Sounds like you both need professional help, and fast. Good luck x
Well done for actively trying to change your life and overcome an addiction.
My advice would be to look at the situation from a different angle. You met him when you were drinking heavily ,he might not be the person you want next to you when you are sober and have dealt with those issues. I think your recovery is the highest priority,with or without him. In the grand scheme of things he is irrelevant. Especially if he can not give you support you need. It would be great if he did,but you cant let him upset you when you are in a fragile state. Guard yourself from people that don't make you feel good, including him. he is not making it better,he's making it worse.Recognise your relationship is not what you desired .It is not your fault he's like that.But you have a choice to recover and eventually find someone better.Good luck.
on a side note:
This morning he pulled the covers away which is normally my cue to either touch him or give him a blowjob
To be fair to him I am very shy at making sexual moves so I was the one who said to him that if he fancied a blowjob in the mornings he could let me know. So my fault on that one Not happy that he left the phone out as that means he was probably watching porn but he might not have done that on purpose.
to be honest he is not coming across great in this thread. But things are much more complicated in RL
Have you suggested he goes to a support group for family of alcoholics? he might be able to get some help there, that you are unable to give him.
I would worry that he decided he was going to deny you had a problem or genuinely hadnt notice it. Either one of those is bad for different reasons
congratulations on finding the courage to open up and actually saying the you have a problem.. hardest thing to do and you've done it...
I'm so sorry to see that you've expressed this to a total TWAT.... who is now treating you like you have leprosy FFS ... I think you deserve so much better than this guy... the morning BJ thing alone is just repulsive.. who the hell does he think he is... ditch this spineless git fast lady... he will never support you emotionally ... never
You need to be with someone equally respectful and loving on this journey of life .. good luck lovely
OP I think you were very brave and honest to open up to your bf. it takes guts. He sounds like a judgemental and immature dickhead and making everything about him. Why would you want to stay with someone like that. Yes sounds like he was wanking over phone and leaving it for you to see, I think that is disgusting. So how does he think his sulking is going to help is this going to work?
you havent done anything wrong.
you trusted him. thats all.
you dont walk up to someone and say hi, want to go for a coffee, just fyi im an alcoholic.
you need to trust someone and that takes time.
and you got to a point where you felt he was someone you could trust.
and he has let you down.
I think it's done you a massive favour in the long run.
I think that lying non stop for a year is a pretty big deal. You are blaming him for not noticing that you lied. You need to take responsibility for all your behaviors, including lying.
(If a woman posted on here that her DH had just confessed that he had been drinking heavily ever yday while she was out, that he lied about it all the time, that he was drinking so heavily that there were times they were together he nearly passed out, and that he really thought she should have noticed the drinking, the responses would be very different)
Part of getting over an addiction is taking responsibility for your actions and for how they effect others, including all the lies you've told.
You and your boyfriend had a fight, and then he didn't feel like sex. That's normal. Not everything is fixed with sex.
Are you in some sort of program or 12 step group? Those kinds of programs can be very helpful for changing underlying thought patterns that led to problem drinking.
There is a really good chance that if your relationship with him worked when you were drunk, it won't work with you sober. It's sad, but what is most important is that you work on your own life so that you can create one that you are proud of.
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