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i feel gutted , not sure if i should just let it go

(122 Posts)
starrynight39 Thu 21-Sep-17 00:15:37

Hello all. DF made some comments today and i am feeling deeply hurt and confused.
Earlier today he was very stressed due to work issues. He thinks that he made a mistake (he waits to find out ) that could cost them a contract. H e was very stressed and i tried to comfort him, i told him to be kind with himself because we can all make mistakes , i told him not to make assumptions and worry about it until he finds out what happened etc
We were spending the evening together and he said jokingly that he can be an ass sometimes. I joked back and i said yes you can be sometimes and we laughed about it. Then i asked (jokingly again) what he thinks is wrong with me. He replied if i have enough time because there are so many. I though we were still joking so i laughed until he started listing things .
He said so many that i lost count . I dont show affection, i am nagging, i dont understand him, i really can not remember them all. The one that stuck in my head because i was never expecting to hear is that "i never support him, more likely 5% of the times he needs me. And kept going on about it. He said he knows that in my mind i am there for him but i dont do it the way he needs it and maybe now that he told me i can fix it. I stayed very calm as i knew he was stressed from work and i didnt want to cause him more stress by causing an argument (trying to explain something to him , he always ends up angry). I commented calmly that this is very sad if he has this negative opinions about me. Every time he has an issue he calls me, he says that i know how to calm him down. Whenever he needs me , whatever time of the day or night i am there for him. He often messages me while i am at work to ask me to call him back so he can talk and vent for things that happened. When he had family issues i was there for him .When he lost 4 jobs in a row i was there for him. So all his comments but especially this hurt me a lot. Yes i am not perfect but i am always there . Apparently its not good enough and a stranger would do better
I am not sure what i am supposed to do. At times i thought he is pushing for a reaction but he didnt got any. At some point when i just listened quietly he apologized and said that i am perfect and he just though all the bad things . But then he just carried on
What am i supposed to do? Let go and blame it on his stress?

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 21-Sep-17 00:17:15

No. He told you what he thought of you and it's just not good enough. You should end it. He hates you, secretly - you shouldn't stay with him.

pog100 Thu 21-Sep-17 00:22:42

That's really shockingly awful, OP. He sounds really childish and somehow testing unconditional love, which he has no right to expect from you. How does he treat you when you need support? From what you have said, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship

starrynight39 Thu 21-Sep-17 00:36:04

@pog100
Thank you for the reply. I usually listen and not bothering him with my problems. The very few times (literally two or three in the two years we are together) that i really needed his support (due to things that he said and done and bothered me) i didnt got much. He has said things like he didnt realize that i need so much from him and he needs happy breaks between my issues . The reality is that he has issues nearly every day and i have never once complaint no matter what the issue was (it can be a noisy neighbor that upset him, or someone on the road said something, or his boss , or his car or anything)

SandyY2K Thu 21-Sep-17 00:53:56

sorry he did that to you.

When things have calmed down, I would have a discussion. Not in a confrontational manner..
.but say you're really surprised he said you weren't supportive...considering the examples you gave here.

timeisnotaline Thu 21-Sep-17 01:00:28

I don't think this sounds fixable. Two people need to try to make a marriage and he sounds like a selfish drain. Think about it- what if you were him for a week? If you said for gods sake I need a break from your issues , you don't even let me need support once a year can't I have some peace for at least a couple of weeks? Let's just say I can't imagine he would be anywhere near as nice as you have been with the same treatment.

squirreltrap Thu 21-Sep-17 01:07:47

Don't marry him

He's a drain and thinks you are there to service his every need.

Imagine being with someone for the rest of your life who you can't even talk with when you are upset? Fuck that

starrynight39 Thu 21-Sep-17 01:15:37

Thank you for the replies. I am still hurt and upset. I know that his family never been there for him and for the time we are together the only times they contact him is when they need something . From what he says he was always alone and they never bothered with him. I have done so much for him but he doesnt recognize. Its like he wants more and more and more no matter how much i do its never good. I love him but how can he love me when he is having so negative opinions and complaints?

starrynight39 Thu 21-Sep-17 01:20:28

And when i said i am sorry that you feel this way he replied that i am finally sorry and i can now start treating him better. Why then he calls me every time he has a problem (almost daily there is something ) if i am that bad?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Sep-17 01:23:51

Red flags are waving high and bright. Are you going to pay attention to them?

StarfishSeahorse Thu 21-Sep-17 01:26:00

He sounds like an emotionally abusive fuckwit. You've clearly been more than supportive but I suspect no matter what you do it will never be good enough because he wants to be able to make you feel bad and guilty and strip your confidence.
He's displayed quite a nasty trait, what a spiteful petty little shit he is. Bin him off.

Elllicam Thu 21-Sep-17 01:32:28

He sounds like a taker, he wants you to support him daily but can't be arsed listening to you.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Thu 21-Sep-17 01:41:10

Red flags are waving high and bright. Are you going to pay attention to them?

Aqua is spot on. Seriously OP, you cannot stay with this man and be happy.

DPotter Thu 21-Sep-17 01:42:04

Boy, does he sound like hard work.
Unless legs were about to drop off, (or equivalent) I think contacting you at work on a daily basis is completely inappropriate and waaaayyyyy over the top. I'm no expert but frankly this is not a balanced relationship and before you commit further to each other, you should seriously consider seeking support. Actually do you know what - have just re-read your op and I think you need to step away before you are drained. He's not just ultra needy, but nasty with it.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 21-Sep-17 01:52:03

He's telling you that even though it is 90% about him now, that's not good enough. He wants your relationship to be 100% about him.

Unless you want that, run.

Crowdo Thu 21-Sep-17 02:04:05

It's a terrible experience to have a partner who makes you feel like you can't get anything right.

I don't say this often, but I think you should try and detach yourself emotionally and consider leaving him. This behaviour only gets worse with time.

Lots of sympathy from me.

sheldonesque Thu 21-Sep-17 02:04:22

He's not just ultra needy, but nasty with it.

^ That. ^

A relationship shouldn't be hard. This one sounds like hard labour.

You deserve better flowers

missperegrinespeculiar Thu 21-Sep-17 02:10:58

oh god, he sounds like a real pain! I couldn't do this, you have the patience of a saint! but are you sure this is the relationship you want? what about YOUR needs? a relationship should give you strength not drain you completely!

Italiangreyhound Thu 21-Sep-17 02:18:22

OP He sounds awful, he clearly cannot prioritize you or your needs, he just wants to take.

Listen to those red flags.

category12 Thu 21-Sep-17 02:51:34

He expects you to phone him from work to soothe him? He's lost four jobs in a row? Nothing you do or say is good enough?

You can do better. This guy - he's not right.

starrynight39 Thu 21-Sep-17 03:15:08

Thank you all for the replies. He just called me (and woke me up but hey this doesnt matter to him, i still do nothing for him ). He told me how much he is trying for me and apparently i dont do anything. "He has been asking me for affection for long time time" and "is not enough to show it but i have to say it too". All that is news to me. He came up with the no affection thing last week because i didnt call him when he wanted me to. He listed ways i can show him more affection, things to say and when ......Same time he felt the need to assassinate my character and wish i could change because i am selfish and i am only thinking of myself and not what he needs. Now i am just confused , this is beyond ridiculous and mad

SiliconHeaven Thu 21-Sep-17 03:25:15

He lost 4 jobs in a row? He's an arse at work then too. Big red flag as well I think.

highinthesky Thu 21-Sep-17 03:41:04

He rings at 3am to offload his personal shit? If the rest wasn't enough, I think you have your answer.

Value yourself first, then others will valued you.

Italiangreyhound Thu 21-Sep-17 03:50:37

He sounds a bit crazy, personally I would get out of there. He doesn't get to call you up at 3.00 a.m. and berate you. Just decide what you want to do and do it. You are not his possession to piss all over, which I think he is doing right now.

JungleExplorer Thu 21-Sep-17 03:55:47

He's telling you that even though it is 90% about him now, that's not good enough. He wants your relationship to be 100% about him.

^ this ^

He is conditioning you to try to be better which is crap because you have been there for him. He will never see that. The red flag is flying. You will never be good enough in his eyes no matter what you do.

Ringing you at 3am to tell you how to act around him is batshit crazy. It demonstrates his needs come before your sleep needs. You need to end this relationship.

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