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How would you read this(28 Posts)
My DP left his phone at home this morning. His phone is always glued to him. ALWAYS. If he goes to do something he automatically puts it in his pocket, if he gets a bath he's on the internet on it. He charges it next to bed at night. I go on my phone a lot but it's always hanging about. It's never been an issue though, until I saw it this morning while he was at work. So I looked on it out of curiosity rather than to allay suspicions.
There was a long conversation on there with an ex work colleague. I knew they were still in touch but was surprised to see how often they messaged one another as she left the area and his work over a year ago. It was benign chat about life in general, TV, films etc. I scrolled back and it went back to last year on the run up to when she was leaving and I was surprised by how emotional some of the messages were from my DP. For context, my DP had an episode of depression and anxiety three years ago and I know he confided in his work colleague. This was good as he is quite antisocial and doesn't try to make friends with people, keeping them at arms length and it meant he had someone additional to me to offload to. I also think it helped ease him back into work as it isn't as scary if you have an ally there.
So some examples were:
'I had a lump in my throat when I heard you were leaving'
'I was disappointed that I said something so embarrassing to you and you couldn't even tell me this'
'why are we talking about this when we have so little time left ' (this was after talking about something daft)
'another time, another place'
The ex work colleague has responded to these comments very neutral and said things like 'I know I'm going to miss you all / the team'. My instant reaction to reading this from my DP was that he felt very strongly about her and if she had returned these feelings then something would have happened (before she made the decision to leave).
But I'm also trying to be measured. I don't want to bring this up if basically he finally made a connection with someone, a friend, who without he felt work would be difficult (he still has dips and has to work hard to avoid his depression returning).
But 'another time another place'??? Has he messed up and said something you would say in a romantic scenario when he meant more...sure we'll catch up one day.
Also I don't know what the embarrassing thing is. This was said 2 years after he was off work with depression, any updates on his wellbeing won't have been considered embarrassing at this point. So what the hell did he say? Open up about his feelings for her?
I guess this is why you shouldn't check someone's phone out as I have questions where there were none before, and probing them further is likely to harm our relationship regardless of whether something untoward happened.
Can I have some reasoned and balanced responses please.
Well, in a balanced and reasoned way, I wouldn't be at all happy about it. And I think, possibly for fair reasons, you're being very forgiving.
Does he ever mention her? Do you know if she's in a relationship?
As you looked at his phone and don't have anything specific to confront him with you can't really ask him about any of it.
Is him being glued to his phone explained by the messages you've seen? Has he been in touch today panicking about not having it with him?
He mentioned her recently in reference to The prog (ex work colleague watches too and had a theory)
She's married with children.
No the messages recently are more just checking in and don't explain the phone usage. The inclusion of that was more to explain how it was such a rarity i allowed curiosity to get the better of me.
I did all this when time was pressured before the school run and i couldn't read these messages as fully as i would have liked given how worrying i found them. I rushed back from school run and phone was gone. He had nipped home for it. Part of me is like 'what you couldn't be without it for half a day'. The other part of me is saying well he was working very locally today and ought he would just call in for it, and I'd probably have done the same.
By asking for "reasoned and balanced" responses do you want us to tell you that this is ok ?
It's not ok
I don't think it's okay either but what do you want to do about it?
Looking back, do you think something happened between them? Would that explain why she moved jobs?
Sorry, OP, but he's having at the very least an emotional affair.
I don't just want LTB thrown at me. Wondering if any similar personalities have had the same difficulties with depression who could understand his reaction. I'm glad you actually asked that question because i realise how stupid i sound now.
Basically i don't want to create a fuss over nothing and want the reassurance that this is something before i go ahead and raise it with him. I do gloss over my feelings a lot due to not wanting to create a fuss.
My ex suffered from depression and had affair after affair. It seemed the only thing that perked him up.
You're glossing over your feelings, where he's talking to this woman about his. Something's wrong there, surely?
Oh and i don't think anything has happened. The usual, lack of opportunity etc but also his ex work colleague isn't personal with any of these interactions. In fact it's that which throws me off as they are like she knows she was an emotional support for him but doesn't want to express anything too much so says about 'missing the team' and not him directly.
They moved because her husband got a new (better) job and they are originally from there.
Your life and your marriage are worth making a fuss about.
Ok thanks everyone. I just needed a bit more to go on. Now i know that I'm not overreacting I'm happy to deal with this head on.
You're not overreacting and I'm so sorry, it's a horrible thing thing to have happened.
I would be very worried and unhappy if it was my husband talking like that to another woman. It doesn't matter if she reciprocate his feelings. But his feelings are a problem.
Thanks Anne. Yes my issue is entirely with his behaviour. I feel second best now to be honest, and that I've been putting up with a total lack of affection and even conversation because i never want to pressure him and always excuse it as he's having a rough patch and i should give him some space to clear his head. In reality he's just thinking about what life with someone else would be like. It's this mindset of always being conscious of his illness that has made me feel i cant approach him on anything a bit raw. Right now we are basically sharing a house and that's it.
Thats fricking awful! ;( Im so sorry. Keep updating if you feel like you can as to how conversation goes if and when you do. Good luck x
To me it sounds as though his feeling for her were much stronger than her's for him.
I think it sounds like if she'd wanted something to happen he would have been swayed? But she played down things he said so he didn't get the green light. Would be useful if you can get the phone again to read it slowly and in depth and see what else comes up
I'm not discussing it tonight because I'm too much of a crying arse. I'm a bit emotional as it is and i dont want to be a crying mess talking about this because I'll struggle to even get the words out.
I'm dying to read the phone again in peace but I've got no chance. Thanks all
How are you doing OP? I've been thinking about you.
I've not brought it up yet. There's not been a minute's peace due to ill children. I'm trying not to normalise what I saw but also feel full of self doubt and like there were other things I could have missed while skim reading that would actually show the correct (innocent) context of what he said. So I don't know how I'm going to tackle this to be honest because I have no chance of checking it again. The bigger picture of our situation is not good anyway and I should probably just start there and depending on how that goes, I may feel confident enough to admit snooping. Is snooping ever ok? I was being nosey rather than not trusting him. Is that any better?
What would happen if you said to him you see he's always on his phone and you'd like to look at it, and put your hand out for it?
He might say yes, sure, and then you'll see if he's worried about you seeing the messages between them.
Might be a terrible idea, but not sure what to suggest.
I'm sorry you're having such a crap time and hope your DC are better soon.
I think it's worse that you weren't snooping out of suspicion due to his behaviour. . He has has this woman in his life and it's become such his normal he isn't giving off dodgy vibes at all.... Like he feels he hasn't done anything wrong. . Which could be read in 2 ways. 1 because he hasn't done anything wrong. Or 2 that he has felt entitled to have her in his life. .
Going against the grain: I think its an absolute fucking disgrace you went into his messages and read his private conversations, notably with no grounds for suspicion, and personally I have left partners for less.
Moving on to his contact with this woman: it sounds completely innocent. He perhaps grew attached to her as a result of her being a great support to him during his difficult times, but I dont see women who support male friends or close colleagues as a threat.
Although... you must have been a bit suspicious (maybe because he keeps his phone close at all times). Otherwise you wouldn't have looked. My partner forgot his phone this morning and I haven't looked at it, but he leaves it lying around all the time and I could look at it if I felt inclined to. So it sounds like you had some kind of suspicion to begin with, yes?
Thanks everyone for your input, even yours splendid despite the fact you've imagined a post where I've said i see this person as a threat. In my OP I've clearly stated I've been fine with their friendship for many years without cause for suspicion and that it was the language used by my partner (not her) which i know he would never have used with a male friend.
Have you had a chance to talk to him about it yet Over? You must feel like it's hanging over you, which must be difficult.
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