is it the relationship or am i mad?

[lilathewerewolf]

Im getting a bit worried about myself and i cant tell if my relationship is a contributing factor or not, guess im just asking for opinions.

Been with my dp for just over a year, i freely admit to having a few lost toys in the attic prior to that and have been in therapy for a while now, which does help enormously. Our relationship is definitely a bit difficult, he is moody and nit-picky and jealous at times, we have both worked hard in counselling to be better people and there have been big improvements. However, i hate feeling on the defensive around someone all the time and am wondering if its tilting me into a downward spiral. We've both been under a huge amount of stress at work and we're moving into a new place together, but it doesnt seem like the happy time i feel it should be and the stress of moving has made things worse in fact. He is constantly stressing and when I have my own emotions and feelings he doesnt seem to know how to deal with them, despite chastising me for not being emotional enough in the past.

I was watching a video yesterday that made me giggle and i felt odd for a bit and then realised i havent laughed in months. I shock myself when i laugh now.

Am i going a bit mental again or is it him? Is it both?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Don't move in with him. I think you'll find if you separate from him, you'll feel a lot better.

It's only been a year - that's when you decide whether you want it to last longer - it's not a good enough relationship for you to make that decision now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Difficult
Moody
Nit-picky
Jealous

ALL red flags right there.
Please don't move in with him.
I think a separation might help you get your head straight.
The fact you feel like you are going mad says a lot.
He's probably sending you mad.

[Aquamarine1029]

Oh my god, you're mad to move in with him. Red flags everywhere! Please don't do this to yourself.

[lilathewerewolf]

FWIW I know i can be quite cold and emotionless and running on literal logic at times, it's been an issue in past relationships as well bc i dont generally respond to the feeling someone is putting into an argument i respond to the exact words they say, so he gets frustrated with me and i get frustrated with him for being so vague and mercurial and using the wrong words to convey something.

maybe we're just more imcompatible than i thought, or maybe it is me, im not very 'feminine' either and often people joke about how im 'the man' in the relationship and it makes me feel like even more of a failure as a woman.

[Aquamarine1029]

You ARE NOT a failure as a woman or person. That is just nonsense. It's commendable that you recognise that you have problems communicating sometimes, and that is something most of us have to work on all the time. But it doesn't change the fact that you are in a VERY unhealthy relationship. Staying with him is not advisable, but moving in with him will be a disaster. You are working so hard to improve your mental health - please don't sabotage yourself by living with an abusive partner.

[TheNaze73]

You don't sound suited

[category12]

Don't move in together.

[lilathewerewolf]

I kind of do have to move in now, we've signed and everything. And I really don't think he is abusive, that's a strong word for someone who's a bit moody? Im not a plaster saint by any means.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You haven't laughed in months? That's bad. In a relationship only a year old that is a sign that it is a bad relationship.

What are the penalties stated in your contract if you don't move in?

The penalties on your mental health of actually moving in will be more severe I suspect.

[lilathewerewolf]

I've gone for long periods without laughing though Run bc of my depression, hence I don't know if it's just me...

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to be a saint to say that the other person annoys you too much and you want to end it.

No need to make it all about good guys and bad guys, just simple boring "not compatible" or "doesn't make me laugh" is all you need to know.

[Lindy2]

It's only been a year and you already have concerns. How do you feel about another 5 or 10 or 20 years + together.
I'm guessing not particularly keen.
A 1 year relationship with plans to live together should give you an exciting feeling.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

So what if "it" is just you? What is "it" anyway.

You are describing a relationship that does not enrich your life. There doesn't have to be fault. There doesn't have to be an "it" that is the problem. You are who you are, he is who he is and fundamentally that doesn't make your life happier, in fact it makes your life worse.

Accept yourself as yourself, himself as himself, and don't plan your future around how things could be if you both had different personalities.