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what is he up to?

(23 Posts)
Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:05:18

I have a platonic, male friend who has until now seemed nice. We tend to go out for dinner together, just the two of us, every now and then - maybe once a month. We text several times a week.

I happen to know that he is in a long distance relationship that has been going on for at least 7 or 8 years. The strange thing is he avoids ever admitting to me that he is in a relationship. He recently went to America, to visit his partner. I knew he was visiting his partner because a friend told me. But when I asked him what he had planned for his trip to America he lied and pretended he was going there just to hang out with friends and that he was staying in a hotel. Even while there in America with his partner, he kept texting me. Sometimes he'll send a text at midnight saying something like "was just thinking about you."

He simply will not admit to me that he's in a relationship. He has loads of other platonic female friends (and I am friends with some of them as well) and he is open about his relationship to them. I've also noticed other furtive behaviour from him. He constantly openly likes and comments on Facebook posts from his female platonic friends. But with me he would never so much as click 'like' on any photo or update I post. Instead he keeps sending private messages like "Love your new profile pic" or "Loving your smile in your new post."

It's all started to really irritate me recently, his furtive behaviour. Why can't he publicly acknowledge that we are platonic friends? It's not like he's cheating on his partner just by being friends with me. But he's behaving almost as if we are having some sort of affair.

userxx Wed 20-Sep-17 14:09:52

I know someone like this. He wants to have sex with you.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Sep-17 14:12:31

Why are you going along with his shiftiness ?

Ask him outright and don't tolerate any evasion. If it's bothering you, stop playing along with him.

scoobydoo1971 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:14:49

If he admits you are his friend to his partner, she may be jealous and see it as cheating (even though you are just mates). He is also flattering you and denying his relationship with the American lady because he is hoping to sleep with you, and perhaps develop a romantic relationship with you. You don't really indicate that you are attracted to him in your message but if you are, be careful. Any man who is that secretive about their whereabouts and relationship status may not make the best boyfriend material. You may be in danger of being warmed up for a FWB situation.

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:17:10

@AnyFucker His shiftiness has kind of crept up on me. I didn't notice or pay full attention to his antics at first.

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:18:31

scoobydoo1971 He feels comfortable socialising with other women and posting pics of him with other women on Facebook for all (presumably including his partner) to see. I don't like the way he is trying to keep his friendship with me stashed away like this. He is definitely up to something I think.

Do I find him attractive? He's physically attractive, but somebody behaving as shiftily as this cannot really be attractive as a person.

SnowiestMountain Wed 20-Sep-17 14:19:23

He wants you to be a FWB, and he doesn't want the American to know!

Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:19:39

Why aren't you asking him directly about all this? This childish evasion by both of you is just silly.

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:21:59

@Aquamarine1029 that was a very judgmental comment. I am not childish. It's only in the past few days I've realise the full extent of just how furtive he is being. I've not seen him in person lately to discuss it with him.

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:23:00

@SnowiestMountain - yes that may well be what he is hoping for. It's hilarious if he thinks I wouldn't find out he has a partner though given that he and I have a number of mutual friends.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:31:30

No-one can possibly be this dense unaware, surely? Do you just want an excuse to talk about him and to have people confirm that he does, in fact, want to shag you?

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:38:03

@EverythingEverywhere1234 no I do not want people to confirm that "he wants to shag" me. There may be other explanations for his furtive behaviour.

TheNaze73 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:41:45

He wants to have his cake and eat it. The dream for many with LTR's is the fact you don't have to see people that often & can go about your gym classes, nights out with friends etc. I think he's seeing you as the FWB to make up the sex shortfall.
Tread carefully. Weird he's being like that, rather than just asking

user1495832265 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:41:46

What Everything said.

user1495832265 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:42:21

xposted.
What other reasons do you suppose then, OP?

TailEndCharlie Wed 20-Sep-17 14:45:26

Are you sure he is straight? Men like this that I have known over the years are secretly in a relationship with a guy. If the American is female then yes he wants to shag you.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey Wed 20-Sep-17 14:52:14

What's "FWB"?

Transcendence Wed 20-Sep-17 14:52:49

Are you sure he is straight?

@TailEndCharlie no, I am not sure. I get a slight gay vibe from him. But his partner is America is definitely female.

GirlDownUnder Wed 20-Sep-17 15:43:39

So, unknown women hate you on sight, and now a male friend is possibly pursuing an underhand non platanic friendship?

I think you need to look at the common denominator and maybe there is a correlation?!

Not sure how you fix all this unrelated pashing, but you've sure got a vibe going on.

Hopefully OP can help, cos I'm flummoxed.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Sep-17 15:56:58

Oh, is this the "all women hate me on sight" poster ?

You really are a man's woman aren't you ?

GirlDownUnder Wed 20-Sep-17 16:04:18

Nooo it's not me headtilt all it's all those other people that can't control their faces....

FlowerPot1234 Wed 20-Sep-17 16:06:21

This thread has been started by the same OP whose very unpleasant thread has just been shut down through her awful behaviour and attacks on any poster who does not give her what she wishes to hear.

It was a similar "what are other people thinking, I'm completely innocent" thread starting out all innocent and bewildered by other people's terrible actions, and then it turns out something else completely.

I would urge everyone to not waste your time trying to help Transcendence, for your own sanity.

m4rdybum Wed 20-Sep-17 16:08:32

As someone who used to have a long distance relationship into my late teens, early twenties with someone in America who I never met...

He's probably scoping out the opportunity to get into a relationship closer to home and then ditch his long distance love. Perhaps he's a bit embarrassed about his long distance thing in front of someone [yourself] who is a closer friend.

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