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Trying to separate from pa bf of 5yrs- he wants to stay in contact with DD 15

(57 Posts)
Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 10:04:44

Ok, so I signed up here to put this to the people because I'm not sure how much real life experience my counselor has with this.

I've been trying to leave my boyfriend for some time. He's passive aggressive and emotionally difficult. We have a blazing row, he threatens me when I try to end it and then when I'm exhausted he turns on the charm, things are good for a week or so... you know the type. I'm not an angel (constantly reminded of this) but I have 3 children 15,14,12 from a previous relationship and things have been bad for them having to put up with us arguing.

He was working from home while I worked full time in an office so he spent more time with the kids, which was hard for me, I've recently given up work to be with them again because it stressed me out for 4 years and he got a job elsewhere for a more reliable income. Now I've had time to be with the kids alone, it's been great. We relax and enjoy being with each other and it's not tense like it is when he's around. I've explained to him that I don't feel anything for him and it needs to end. He's been calmer- no threats this time or blow ups but he's said he still wants to see my eldest daughter. They've always had an odd emotional connection that unsettles me. He has helped her with bedwetting issues (getting up in the night etc) and she talks to him about things she won't discuss with me? she seems to feel sorry for him...and often sticks up for him but then becomes anxious if she thinks he's annoyed with her. She's borderline ADHD and has developed anxiety- probably not helped by the situation at home. She doesn't have close friends and is quite immature. I will let her decide if she wants to spend time with him but my stomach is in my mouth. Thoughts?... if I tell him he can't see her, he will become the devil incarnate.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 20-Sep-17 10:12:00

What does she want? And is she going for counselling herself? And how do you know she told him things she didn't tell you?

SmokedGlass Wed 20-Sep-17 10:12:03

Morning Trying
Honestly my very first response when I read this was it sounds incredibly wrong , I've not come across this situation before either
Wait to read what the other MN's come in with and then see it from a varied balanced view

ptumbi Wed 20-Sep-17 10:20:57

Nope - it is inappropriate. I'd be very careful, and look for signs of 'grooming' - that's my first thought. What sort of 'contact' does he envisage? Tea in a cafe? Alone time/weekends at his? hmm

Get help from SS or police, NSPCC, . If he kicks off, I'd involve all these agencies.

Northernparent68 Wed 20-Sep-17 10:24:55

Why would you stop her seeing him ? you moved him into the house and let him become a father figure l, is she expected to forget he existed ? Let the other children see him too.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 10:29:50

Sorry but this is making me feel a touch uncomfortable. . If it does you too then please don't ignore. .
Maybe look at why your dd is wetting the bed. .

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 10:31:21

The other two children are fed up with his unpredictability and have switched off, he knows and isn't interested in seeing them. His own family don't visit. He cared for his mother until she died and genuinely feels alone in the world, so I think he's clinging on to the one person who does care still but she's only 15 and he can be very controlling/difficult..

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 10:33:27

At 15 she shouldn't carry the burden of someone else's happiness. . .

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 10:34:32

She was wetting the bed before he arrived and I was always useless at getting up in the night. Especially when it was 2 or 3 times. He did genuinely help her with that and I probably made the rod for my own back.
Hindsight is a cruel thing.

ijustwannadance Wed 20-Sep-17 10:35:14

Sounds really dodgy to me. Funny how it's only one of your children he is arsed about.
She is already in a position where she trusts him and assume he could easily manipulate her.

HoHoHoHo Wed 20-Sep-17 10:36:18

If me and do split up I'd still like to see his children from time to time and I don't even live with them. I don't think it's that unusual for people to form bonds with partners children.

I actually don't buy that you think he's grooming her as you allow him to live in your house so can't have been that concerned. I think it would just be more convenient for you if he disappeared.

At 15 I'd say it's her choice anyway. And if you bar a relationship with your ex she might well see him in secret which is far more dangerous if indeed anything untoward is going on.

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 10:47:19

I have tried to explain to him why their relationship makes me uncomfortable, he went off the deep end because he thought I was accusing him of being a pedo. It has caused me to question myself and my own sanity/feelings. Am I jealous of their connection?? It would almost be easier to say it's just me but my gut says it's not. I have never denied them access to their father (even though he's useless) and I am open to this man seeing the children- within reason. You are right, I bought him in to their lives, just because we no longer get on shouldn't automatically mean he's cut off, but this just seems off.

Northernparent68 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:00:56

Why is it inappropriate and why is it grooming, he is her step father. He has lived with her, if he had a sinister intention he'd have acted on it by now.

Notearsgoodbye Wed 20-Sep-17 11:04:43

How does he help her in the middle of the night?

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 11:13:28

He's not moved out yet... but he wants to take DD1 out for a bit on Saturday- just them. It almost feels like he's stealing her? Also I'm angry for the other two- first their father is useless and doesn't see them and now this man is going to shun them for their older sister. They would I'm sure, happily get along with him if he wasn't so difficult.. Feels like he's splitting us up? Am I being an insecure idiot?

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 11:15:23

Notearsgoodbye- helping her change the bed and re-set her bedwetting alarm. He doesn't any more and she still wets from time to time.

HoHoHoHo Wed 20-Sep-17 11:22:08

So you're happy for him to live with her and help her with something quite intimate which really you should have been doing but now you've decided he's surplus to requirements he can't take her to a public place?

Offred Wed 20-Sep-17 11:24:53

An abusive boyfriend and a 15 year old with anxiety who still wets the bed who has an uncomfortable and weird relationship with said BF who is also keen to 'help her out' in the middle of the night and wants to continue seeing her if you split?!

Massive child abuse alarms there TBH...

CobwebKitten Wed 20-Sep-17 11:25:52

If he'd said he wanted to remain in contact with all the kids, that would make more sense.

Singling one out is an alarm bell.

Why is a 15 year old wetting the bed?

"he is her step father"

No, he's Mum's Boyfriend. No 'step father' would only want to see one child out of three.

HoHoHoHo Wed 20-Sep-17 11:26:59

I just don't understand why you'd allow him to live in your home and help her with this if you are worried. This situation makes no sense.

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 11:28:40

HoHoHoHo- this is why I'm asking people's opinions. The last thing I want to do is be unreasonable about it. I said above that I'm just worried about the emotional side of a man that feels alone in the world leaning on and making a 15 yr old girl feel responsible for his happiness when she has her own issues to deal with.

and yes, I should have helped her more. We clashed quite a lot when she was younger and I was not as patient as I should have been with her.

Offred Wed 20-Sep-17 11:29:14

And most especially the 'going nuts' at the accusation he has a weird relationship with her...

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 20-Sep-17 11:31:58

No way. If he wanted to see all of them, that might be different, but the others seem to have seen through him and he just wants to see the one who hasn't seen through him yet.

I know it's a long time ago but I'm horrified that you let a boyfriend go to help your daughter when she'd wet the bed rather than go yourself. It's such an intimate thing to do - what were you thinking?

Tryingtofindme Wed 20-Sep-17 11:31:59

Thank you Cobweb Kitten...

Offred Wed 20-Sep-17 11:34:02

But either way... don't compound bad decisions with even more bad decisions...

So what if he 'becomes the devil incarnate' if he doesn't get what he wants.... you have a vulnerable 15 year old who you have allowed to form a very uncomfortable relationship with a very dodgy man... if you were looking out for her why would you encourage that to continue?

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