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DH hiding money - or keeping it safe?

(77 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Isthissomekindofjoke Tue 19-Sep-17 23:25:40

I've just found out that DH has several tens of thousands of pounds of our money held in sole savings accounts in his own name.

I just told him in no uncertain terms it had to find its way back into a joint account this side of tomorrow, that this is big time not acceptable and it wasn't to happen again.

He said he was hiding nothing, that one account was for tax and one was for school fees and they were only in his name because the bank wouldn't open another joint savings account but all I had to do was call them to convert the accounts blah blah.

The money came straight from our business into our joint savings account, then straight into his sole accounts so the movement of money wasn't hidden. I happen to only just have seen the transactions.

It is entirely possible he told me about these accounts and even likely. It's also entirely likely he knew I wasn't listening and don't have time to call the bank to convert an account when we already have 4 instant access savings accounts in joint names. In fact I think he's had one of those accounts for a few years which I knew at the time was holding joint tax money and told him I wasn't happy with that. Once that tax bill had been paid I thought that situation was done with.

I feel so shocked and so fucking angry. Not least because he clearly doesn't see what the problem is. To me it just smacks of him wanting to maintain the upper hand.

The money is back now.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

DesignedForLife Tue 19-Sep-17 23:29:38

I can't get past you not noticing tens of thousands of pounds have gone awol in the past tbh.

EamonnWright Tue 19-Sep-17 23:31:48

So he likely told you and you likely weren't listening to him yet he gets an earful.

You sound like hard work.

Isthissomekindofjoke Tue 19-Sep-17 23:36:05

I didn't notice because I had no need to notice. The account I was expecting the money to be in isn't in regular use and the money isn't for imminent spending. We don't earn monthly PAYE, we pay ourselves dividends so moving tens of thousands of pounds every few months is normal. We agree what money is to be taken out / what it's going to be spent on etc. Then DH sorts it. I didn't think I had to double check my husband's accounting!

AdoraBell Tue 19-Sep-17 23:37:11

Nope, not over reacting at all. All he had to do if he wants things ring fenced is say " Isthis, I want to put funds for tax/school fees in separate accounts, lets pop into town, open new joint accounts and have a coffee, what do you say?"

Well done on pulling him up on it.

Ellisandra Tue 19-Sep-17 23:40:38

I think there must be a back story regarding the upper hand.

Because in a healthy marriage I don't see any issue at all. Visible transactions. Allocated money - tax and school fees, so not secret spends for him. You obviously leave him with the mental load of managing money if you didn't even know a 5 figure sum had been moved. As for being too busy to call the bank - really?

So YABU, but I expect if you share the back story YANBU!

Isthissomekindofjoke Wed 20-Sep-17 06:02:48

No back story.

And not leaving him with the mental load at all. The daily mechanics of our accounting is dealt with by him - just like many other things are dealt with by me. But all decisions are joint.

I didn't immediately notice the money being somewhere I want expecting because it wasn't something I thought needed checking. Precisely because I thought this was a 'healthy' marriage.

I'm not concerned he was about to spend the money. I'm am simply shocked he thought it OK to put large sums of joint money in a sole account. It simply wasn't necessary. Particularly this occurred years ago on a smaller scale I said I wasn't happy,

I just wondered if other people would be shock in the same situation.

guineapig1 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:06:55

Well, if the transactions are transparent the money is not really "hidden" is it? Presum

guineapig1 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:07:40

Presumably the tax and school fees are being paid from those allocated accounts?

PotteringAlong Wed 20-Sep-17 06:10:58

We have sole accounts as well as joint accounts - it's still "our" money and never crossed my mind to be worried about it.

Cailleach666 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:16:20

It is entirely possible he told me about these accounts and even likely. It's also entirely likely he knew I wasn't listening

I am not sure why you are so " fucking angry" TBH.

Gorgosparta Wed 20-Sep-17 06:18:12

We also habe joint accounts and sole accounts. Nothing is hidden.

Everything was there for you to see AND you say he probably told you, but he should have known you werent listening.

I dont think he is the issue.

Alexandra87 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:18:12

We don't have a joint account because we've never got round to sorting it out but all of my money and all of his money are in accounts that can be accessed and moved around online so it's irrelevant really as we can still both access it. That situation wouldn't bother me at all.

Isthissomekindofjoke Wed 20-Sep-17 06:25:44

Alexandra but how can you easily access money in his account?

This was the majority of the money we need to live on for the next 6 months. I don't know how these things work but if he'd popped his clogs over night (he hasn't) I wouldn't be able to immediately get my hands on that money.

Agree fucking angry was possibly an over reaction. I don't think that upset and disappointed was though. It say it was likely he told me was me being generous. I don't think mentioning something in passing whilst I get 3 DCS fed/washed/out the door can be classed as a discussion!!

Nuttynoo Wed 20-Sep-17 06:28:08

He was a prat. Joint money = joint names. I hope you've learned your lesson now - always, always be an active participant when it comes to family finances.

Cailleach666 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:29:19

I don't think mentioning something in passing whilst I get 3 DCS fed/washed/out the door can be classed as a discussion!!

This is exactly how a lot of important information gets discussed in our family.

We are such busy people we don't have time to sit down and have lengthy meetings.

HerRoyalChocolateBunny Wed 20-Sep-17 06:31:47

I have a perfectly healthy marriage and we have a similar arrangement.

All our money (business income, pay packets) go into a joint account. Then DH transfers a large portion into a current account that happens to be in his name only and that is where all the DDs and bills are paid from. i transfer another large-ish portion into an account that is in my name only and that is the 'holiday' account and also contains 'emergency' money if we run short. The only reason i am not on DH's account is because it is the account he has had for decades before he mt me and I don't bank with first direct, and the only reason he is not on my account is because despite the fact the joint account is in the same bank as my account, I could not put him on the joint account without going to our nearest branch (which is fucking miles away) and doing it in person with ID etc and we can't be arsed to make the trip.

But, the transactions are transparent, we occasionally (but not always) discuss what we have removed from the joint account, and we trust each other. I access the joint account online quite often to check how things are because occasionally if DH has taken out too much (like a few weeks ago for school fees) I have to say 'Right I need to pay for this and this and this, can you sling some back, please'. I have absolutely no idea how much DH has in his account right now, and he has no idea how much I have in the holiday/emergency account. It would not occur to me to ask all that often, either.

So what's going on that makes you so angry?

Cailleach666 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:34:31

I keep joint money in my name only.

OH doesn't have much interest in money, and although we have joint funds I keep a sizeable portion in my name alone, it's easie if I decide to move accounts, look for better interest, deal with ISAs etc.

Cailleach666 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:35:50

HerRoyalChocolateBunny sounds like our set up.

We trust each other.

HerRoyalChocolateBunny Wed 20-Sep-17 06:38:11

Oky, I typed that ot (and thought abou sending it) and you mentioned the popth clogs bit.

So,sit down with him, explain you need enough as a buffer in the joint account to cover that (or say you want everything joint if that is better) and then get yourself online and keep an eye on things if you are worried about daily spending. We don't have alot of discretionary spending, so I check the joint account online very very often as I have to adjust our daily sending to fit. Takes a couple of minutes only and also means I can quickly identify if something went wrong (contactless card at McDonalds yesterday worked twice by accident for example) and rectify it.

I am a big believer about women being very aware of their finances in marriage. You read too much (on MN and elsewhere) about women being lft or widowed and being totally caught out because they are simply unused to managing their own affairs.

Good luck. smile

HerRoyalChocolateBunny Wed 20-Sep-17 06:38:46

sorry about typos... keyboard needs cleaning (honey toast crumbs!).

Buck3t Wed 20-Sep-17 06:39:49

I have several accounts in my sole name. He knows of them. The only one he can't access is the one in trust for the kids.

It wasn't until about 3 years ago I explained the system he knows where to find passwords and can access everything. No need to fume, just ensure procedures are in place. So if he pops his clogs, you still have access.

Bananmanfan Wed 20-Sep-17 06:41:52

You won't be able to call the bank and convert the account, he will have to move it. Something similar happened to me; my nan left me some money in her will. I paid in a cheque, written out to me, the bank called DH to say it shouldn't be in a current account (which we knew and were planning to change with a visit the bank on the Saturday) they set him up a savings account over the phone and I no longer had access to the money.

HerRoyalChocolateBunny Wed 20-Sep-17 06:46:05

Also, like Buck3t says- know where passwords are. DH and I have passwords to all the accounts in the same place so in theory i/he can access everything.

But leaving a buffer in a joint account is a really good idea for the meantime if you are converting eveything to joint anyway.

Needalifeoverhaul Wed 20-Sep-17 06:46:20

But it's likely he told you and you weren't listening? The transactions weren't hidden? They were available for you to see? I'm confused as to why you're so angry at him. And the should 'he pop his clogs' comment seems really inappropriate. It's like the money would be more important than the death of your dp.
I think yabu!

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