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Made mistake - how do I come back

(73 Posts)
teaandcakeat8 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:16:05

Met guy online, he seemed keen. I had too much alcohol and slept with him on the second date. After that he seemed gradually less keen and last week I asked if I was wasting my time. He said he didn't have time for a relationship and we agreed to keep it casual. I'm not sure if I'm really into him anyway.

Tonight I was feeling down about being single. We were messaging and I asked what I had done wrong and if it was because I slept with him too soon that he lost interest.

His response implied he thinks I'm crazy for even bringing it up. I think I've ruined the fwb and feel stupid and humiliated.

How do I now retain my dignity and get my confident back?

HerOtherHalf Tue 19-Sep-17 22:19:54

If you're not that into him why do you care? You don't need the approval of a man to validate you and certainly not one who you're indifferent to.

teaandcakeat8 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:24:12

I just want to know what I'm doing wrong as I date a lot but none seem to progress.

Worriedrose Tue 19-Sep-17 22:28:46

If you agreed to keep it casual, why? When you don't seem to want to. If you give him your time and energy then you're not freeing yourself up to meet someone else.
Don't stress too much about sleeping with him, I doubt waiting would have made any difference
At least you know how he feels, now move on.
I doubt your doing anything wrong. But try and think about what you want, not what they want.

Josuk Tue 19-Sep-17 22:30:56

OP - what mistake do you think you made?
You and the guy just didn't click. And were never going to - had your waited for another date or few.

Asking him - sure, was a little silly - as it wasn't going to help you in any way. But again, you wanted to know and you asked.
It's not a mistake.

When people meet online - and seem 'keen' - it's doesn't mean that much. Not until you properly meet. And - after a first couple of dates (with ot without sex) - if the spark is not there - not much can be done about that.

This happens a lot, and especially with OLD. So - take a breath and move on.

teaandcakeat8 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:33:01

Mainly I feel humiliated that he thinks I'm crazy for asking what I did wrong.

We did have good chemistry but I just wasn't sure if we were compatible outside the bedroom.

SweetLuck Tue 19-Sep-17 22:53:13

I don't get how he would loose interest because you slept with him quickly?

That kind of implies that men loose interest once they have sex and that patently isn't true.

Aminuts23 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:57:46

Oooo dear. I think that question was a mistake. You should have just left it my lovely. Sorry, he's a player. Try not to be hurt and chalk it down to experience flowers

teaandcakeat8 Tue 19-Sep-17 23:06:08

It just seemed that since we had sex he only ever wanted sex - we stopped dating and he just came over late at night for a few hours. I'm feeling a bit down on myself and probably (stupidly) projected it onto him by asking if I'm doing something majorly wrong.

scoobydoo1971 Tue 19-Sep-17 23:08:52

As an olde worlde married(e) woman who is thankful to be out of the modern dating scene, all I can recommend is that you learn from this situation for future reference. Everyone makes mistakes, but it is not good to keep making the same error. Firstly, by all means have sex whenever you want to, but don't expect it to turn into a romance. Men love sex and most are not ethical enough to refuse it served on a plate. Secondly, men on OLD (from the wisdom of the various male staff who work for me from time to time and are more up on social media than I) perceive women there are looking for company and they exploit that by promising all sorts to get in knickers. Fake future spinning is one, friends-with-benefits is another arrangement that works for mankind more than womankind often or not.

Women on OLD are perceived as less hard work to get into bed than offline (rightly or wrongly...), and the sweet shop is open 24/7 to dip right back into the jellybabies tin for the next sugar hit with another lady. Never ask a man where you went sends the message that you are needy, and you are really hanging off his every word. Project self confidence and indifference (not those mad dating rules, just I like myself enough to not let you treat me like a piece of meat). Asking him for validation is leaving you vulnerable.

It tells him that he can come back anytime he cannot find anyone else to sleep with off Tinder or the various sites out there. We all make mistakes, and no one can judge you for what happened...just take it for what it is - a good time. Half the population is single, and if the people writing here are anything to go by...half the married population are miserable too. Wait for Mr Right and if he doesn't arrive on his white horse and batter your door down, feel glad that you are not trapped in some awful abusive relationship with a pig. Women with the right men don't have to make an effort or chase them, men are not shy at letting you know just how much they adore you.

WiseDad Tue 19-Sep-17 23:34:51

I hate to break it to you on a forum dominated by cake-and-eat-it people but you were too quick to bed. Way too quick. And then you were needy (in terms of wanting to talk emotions)which is a fatal combination.

You are perfectly entitled to go to bed with whomsoever you choose whenever you choose ,with their consent obviously, but don't let's all pretend that's the way to a deep and long lasting relationship. It just isn't. It might be in rare cases but not as a rule.

Men are not complicated in general. The love women and are driven by competition. The more elusive the goal the harder they compete. That allows the obsessive part of male character to take over and build into love. If you go to bed with someone early then the competition has been won from their viewpoint. If you then chase for details you push the average man away as it is the exact opposite of competition.

Just sayin... take the advice of lots of women who have got unknown success in their relationships with men or men?

So to get back on track. As for "why do you need male validation?" That isn't what you are asking for, you appear to be asking how to salvage the relationship. My response is to avoid the whole "friends with benefits" thing as that is just to male advantage and won't form a relationship from it no matter how many romcoms say otherwise. Dump him, sort of. Be friends but no more until you get him hooked. Be proper friends which means meeting to do stuff and not messaging like some over eager puppy. Be flirtatious but don't go too far. Excite by being interesting and passionate about something but not about him. Do be independent minded and talk about your plans for trips, experiences, career or whatever but don't be so independent that he can't see a place alongside you. Dress smartly and attractively.

Oh and see other men but don't go to bed with them quickly unless you can see yourself staying with them in a relationship in which case follow advice above. And for those who say "why should I have to dress up to attract a partner" I say just look at people ffs. Attractive people mate with attractive people. Those who go out looking like they haven't done any personal grooming or self care are NOT attractive as they are sending a signal that they don't care about themselves which others will pick up and then think why the hell should anyone else.

Good luck. You sound like you have self awareness and an understanding that others think differently from you which is the first step along the path to happiness.

Cue flames from feminists who don't bother thinking through what I have written. At no point do I say she needs a man to care for her, to run her life, to tell her what to do or feel or say or how to dress. She can act like a man and not commit and that is fine but it won't build a successful long term partnership.

Wisedad (who despairs when he sees the sheer frequency of "ex" stories here and the posters whose default response is to bin a relationship)

WiseDad Tue 19-Sep-17 23:37:15

Read what scoobydoo1971 said. Good advice there as well. Very good advice that has been lost in the era of Tindr

SweetLuck Tue 19-Sep-17 23:39:35

What a lot of pompous twaddle from WiseDad there grin

TatianaLarina Tue 19-Sep-17 23:49:08


WiseDad Tue 19-Sep-17 23:53:06

And #everydaysexism has arrived from TatianaLarina

You deny what I say because of my gender? You think you can invalidate my opinion because I was born a different gender from you? How dare you be dismissive of the opinions of another person because of a characteristic they got from the genetic lottery. Have you learned nothing from feminism?

HeddaGarbled Tue 19-Sep-17 23:55:54

The mistake was not having sex on date 2.

The mistakes were:

1. After date 2 sex, settling for sex without the dates.
2. Agreeing to him coming over late at night for sex without the dates.
3. Agreeing to keep it casual when that is clearly not what you wanted.
4. Asking if you were wasting your time.
5. Asking what you were doing wrong.

It's OK to have sex on the second date, first date, whenever you want. But if you want a proper relationship after that, don't respond to booty calls, and if he's not treating you as you want to be treated, dump him. If he's interested in a proper relationship rather than convenient sex, he'll demonstrate that, you won't need to ask.

SparklyMagpie Tue 19-Sep-17 23:57:26

TatianaLarina grin

SweetLuck Tue 19-Sep-17 23:57:33

You said that your advice was especially great advice because you are a man. So you can hardly blame people for taking the piss out of how that makes you come across.

SweetLuck Tue 19-Sep-17 23:58:32

Hedda has it. Spot on.

SparklyMagpie Tue 19-Sep-17 23:58:43

WiseDad calm it down abit eh?

Smeaton Wed 20-Sep-17 00:00:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claraschu Wed 20-Sep-17 00:02:06


claraschu Wed 20-Sep-17 00:03:09

at Not-so-WiseDad

SandyY2K Wed 20-Sep-17 00:06:23

It's just sex to him now. I agree with @wisedad

SandyY2K Wed 20-Sep-17 00:16:19

I agree with @wisedad

To a certain degree .

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