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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have never been in a relationship.

31 replies

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 21:55

Hiya, in need of some advice. I'm now 29 and happily single. I've never been in a relationship (heck, I've never even had my 1st kiss!) not at school, uni, etc. I'm a bit antisocial really. I've had attention from men in the past and it's just been annoying really... That's not the type of man I want. I think I'm looking for something that just doesn't exist. I can't even explain what I'm looking for. To be honest, I'm rather happy having my own time. I like interacting with my family and friends in the day and enjoy my own time at home. I enjoy a variety of activities, etc. music lessons, martial arts, etc. personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to keep in contact with someone each day. Let alone get to the point of ever living with them. I'm close to my mum and do spend a lot of time with her. She says I'm too fussy but am 'right' but that it 'just isn't like that'

Is it even healthy to have never been in a relationship, etc.? I'm honestly more than happy. I'm happy with my dog tbh mind you, I'd like Ethan off of Casualty (if anyone knows who I'm on about )...

It's the personality I care about, genuinely not fussed on looks. I just don't think they exist and have gotten that into my head.

I don't know why I'm writing this really.

OP posts:

Report

TwitterQueen1 · 19/09/2017 21:58

I don't think you need any advice OP! You sound very centered and content with your life and who you are. I have come to the conclusion - rather later in life and after a marriage plus children, that I am happier out of relationships too.

userxx · 19/09/2017 22:01

If you're happy then it really doesn't matter. We are all different and there is no right or wrong.

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:03

Thanks both yeah, I am happy. However, my heart still hurts a bit when I come across the perfect man (usually on TV and not actually like that but just playing that character) and think I'd like that, but if I have to have one of the many men I have come across (even the nice ones) I'd rather have none - they all have something I cringe at (normally a view they have).

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 22:10

I think you sound just fine! My only advice is to try not to pre-judge and cling so fiercely to the ideals and expectations you have in regards to what a relationship or man "should" be. Simply live your life and perhaps you'll come across a great man. Not perfect, of course, because that just doesn't exist.

Trying2bgd · 19/09/2017 22:11

If you are happy then don't stress over it and just live your life. But at the same time stay open to what the future will bring, and if nothing comes of it, no damage done, as you have a lovely outlook and life to enjoy.

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:15

The thing is, it's things like the expectation that a woman would be on contraception, etc. it's those types of views I can't stand. Also, even my friends that are men, seem to comment on saggy boobs on young people, etc. I'm not looking for what most people would call a 'perfect' man.

I just hate that men I have come across before say something about my appearance (yes, I know they're giving a compliment) but it's never about my personality and I don't think my personality is particularly bad (I hope!) just that men seem to find looks more important. I know that's not always the case.

If I ever went part-time after having children, I'd hate for them to assume that means I'll also sort all the house and then children out (something my dad assumed)...

If they don't have the same views as me, I honestly couldn't share a bed with them.

OP posts:

Badgoushk · 19/09/2017 22:15

If you're happy that's great! Do you hope to have a family one day?

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:17

I'd love a family. Children are amazing. Watching them grow into their own personality brings joy to me when they're not even mine! I'd love children.

OP posts:

Sienna333 · 19/09/2017 22:20

If you are happy who cares? Don't live your life due to what you think society expects from you.

wellyclad · 19/09/2017 22:22

Better to be happily single than in the wrong relationship. Good for you!

I'd forgotten what free time to myself is

greendale17 · 19/09/2017 22:25

Great that you are happily single however you say you have not even had a first kiss? Have you never even liked anyone remotely as to want to kiss them? I am trying not to judge too much but personally I find that very odd

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:29

Yeah, I suppose I am odd I've never been in a relationship, so no, I've never liked anyone. I've been attracted to looks, a lot. However, I don't want a random kiss in a bar drunk. Like I say, I'm attracted to personality the most and no, I've never been attracted to someone's personality, enough to kiss them/have sex with them.

OP posts:

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:30

Saying that, I've never been drunk

OP posts:

AgainPlease · 19/09/2017 22:41

I'm sorry but this does sound rather odd. If I'd met a man that had never had a kiss or been in a relationship by that age (even a short one) I'd be thinking what the hell is wrong with them?!

I think you're setting the bar too high and putting men you find from the TV on some sort of pedestal.

You say you're attracted to personality but it sounds like you've not been on a date long enough to find out their personality or got to know them. Why are you shutting men down at the first hurdle? Because they comment on your looks? What else are they supposed to comment on if they don't know you?

But if you are genuinely happy then all of this doesn't matter and you keep doing you!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 22:44

I don't think you're being entirely fair to men. You say men think that looks are more important than personality, but that's a totally unfair assumption. Of COURSE looks are usually the first thing that sparks attraction - you admitted that you have been attracted to various men's appearance "a lot." How else would human beings initially become attracted to someone unless they've had the opportunity to get to know the object of their desire? A fondness of someone's looks is just a first step, and then you attempt to get to know them. Sometimes you know immediately after brief conversation that you aren't suited for each other, and with other possible mates it may take more time. If you are happy being single forever, then I am happy for you. However, you say you would love to have a family. How could this ever happen when you constantly throw up unreasonable roadblocks that will prevent you from ever forming a relationship?

Sienna333 · 19/09/2017 22:46

OP, don't listen to these posters, if anyone judges you based on that, you are
better off without them. There is no rule book in life which says you have to do certain things at certain ages. Ignore the narrow minded comments and just be yourself.

craftyfox48 · 19/09/2017 22:47

You're happy and that's all that matters. I don't think never kissing anyone/being intimate makes you odd. It's just your choice.

I wouldn't worry about or dwell on all the things you've never done, i.e. get drunk, be in a relationship etc. Life's too short to be worrying.

Live your life the way you want to. Keep being happy. You're young and the right man for you may come along next week or in five years.

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:51

I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to share a house, let alone a bed with the men I have so far come across. I'm not being unfair to men. I don't like that they comment on my boobs, or my bum or my waist first. I'm sorry but that does put me right off them.

Also, you do realise there are things called adoption/sperm donation? that's how I expect to have a child at some point in the future. Did you genuinely think there wasn't other ways.

Thanks @Sienna333 I didn't post this wanting people to call me odd! I just don't want to have sex with someone unless their views match mine commenting on my arse is a view I don't agree with on the first hour of meeting a guy. I don't need to give them longer...?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 19/09/2017 22:53

my heart still hurts a bit when I come across the perfect man

Sorry dear, no such man exists. The first fart in bed puts paid to that fantasy.

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:56

@highinthesky perfect is subjective?

OP posts:

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 22:58

I'd assume your partner/husband was the perfect match for you otherwise why would you be with them?

OP posts:

Sienna333 · 19/09/2017 22:59

Please don't feel you have to defend yourself.
Far too many women feel they have to be with a partner as being single is so awful to them, they don't understand that there are people out there willing to wait. Life doesn't have a set timeline. We don't all have to have had sex by 16 and married with kids by 30. You sound happy and secure in yourself. When/if you decide to make that step into a relationship, you will be in the perfect mental space for it.
Keep being happy and living your life the way you want. You ars the only one who has to live it.

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 23:03

I'd assume your partner/husband was the perfect match for you otherwise why would you be with them?

. There's that "perfect" ideal again. There's a great match. No such thing as a perfect match.

SkypeCloud · 19/09/2017 23:12

You clearly know what I mean I'm not going to say no to him because he does something minor that I don't like. I do think it's wrong to comment on body parts in the first 10 mins though... I think it's odd to fall head over heels because I man compliments a body part you're insecure about, but there we go.

OP posts:

Sienna333 · 19/09/2017 23:22

There is too much emphasis on being in a relationship. If you are happy with where you are other peoples opinions matter not one jot.

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