Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Are you able to have sex without developing feelings or attachment?

41 replies

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 21:53

I realised quite a long time ago that I'm just not able to have sex without developing a certain level of attachment. And I'm just curious as to how common it is to be able to have sex without feeling any sort of attachment or emotions at all afterwards?

The majority of my female friends I've discussed this subject with have said they are able to completely separate sex and emotions and that it's easy to have sex without forming an attachment.

But then again I only have sex with men I already really like/love so the attachment is there already really, prior to sex....?

OP posts:

Report

BeerBaby · 19/09/2017 21:58

Used to be able to have one night stands and not be bothered. Sex was just sex. It's not like that now. I don't know how I thought like that.

highinthesky · 19/09/2017 21:58

There's nothing wrong with you, you're just a romantic person and tbf probably sensitive to the post-screw oxytocin surge.

My advice? Hold off until you're sure: because when the physical side starts, the love goggles are gonna take some shifting. You'll find yourself accepting all kinds of bad behaviour.

bowtieandheels · 19/09/2017 22:00

Yes I'm able to separate the two. I'm a very sexually driven person though so maybe that's what makes the difference?

MysweetAudrina · 19/09/2017 22:00

No I'm not even though I tried a lot when I was younger. In my head I think I can, but emotionally I don't seen to able to detach my fanny from my feelings.
So much so that even though I had been having sex with my then partner and lots of others over the years I only had my first orgasm ( outside masturbation) on my honeymoon and have had an orgasm everytime since.

ILoveDolly · 19/09/2017 22:01

When I was a lot younger I went through a ONS phase and while I didn't always feel attached to the men it did wreck my head and I stopped when I realised that it was damaging behaviour.

annandale · 19/09/2017 22:02

I can, sort of - I've had a few one night stands which haven't led to any attachment. They always involved terrible sex though - well, not terrible but absolutely zero pleasure, 'is it in' style sex. They were with men I didn't fancy at all but for various reasons had persuaded myself I should have sex with.

If I have sex with a man I'm attracted to I will be attached to them.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 19/09/2017 22:03

Yes I totally could (still would if I wasn't with oh) feelings and sex aren't automatically connected for me.

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:04

@BeerBaby, at the time were you able to easily just walk away with no feelings or attachments?

OP posts:

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:06

@highinthesky great advice. I have noticed that once physical intimacy occurs I start even glossing over red flags and the attachment is premature. The most recent guy we didn't have sex even but were quite close to it and would spend the night in the same bed etc. I felt quite attached to the point of ignoring the huge issues with him for a while.

OP posts:

SilverdaleGlen · 19/09/2017 22:06

ONS absolutely. But I've found myself falling for the totally inappropriate bad boy that was supposed to be just sex for the last couple of months.

opheliacat · 19/09/2017 22:06

Oh, definitely.

I'm not proud of it but I have had sex in exchange for money (a long time ago!) and I don't think I was damaged by it.

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:06

@MySweetAudrina - wow!! That is really interesting. Thank you for sharing

OP posts:

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:07

@BowTieAndHeels I have to admit I slightly envy you. But we are who we are I guess.

OP posts:

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:08

@Opheliacat - what was the sex for money experience like? Was the man attractive? Did you get any pleasure from the sex?

OP posts:

CoyoteCafe · 19/09/2017 22:08

No, not unless the sex is bad. I've had bad sex and felt no attachment what so ever, but if a man pushes all my buttons, I quite like. Care about him. Want to get to know him better. Spend more time with him, and some of that time I want him to be pushing all my buttons again. And again.

I don't have any judgements about casual sex, I'm just not wired for it.

MozzchopsThirty · 19/09/2017 22:10

Yes totally
I can sleep with a guy just for sex and not care if I never see him again

But in a relationship the sex is different and there are feelings attached

Offred · 19/09/2017 22:16

Some people separate the two, some people don't.

Gender stereotyping dictates that women are incapable of separating sex and feelings and that men are incapable of connecting them. Truth is it is just different for different people and sometimes different for the same person depending on who the sex is with, if you happen to fit with people's sexist expectations things are probably easier I suppose...

opheliacat · 19/09/2017 22:19

Erm, it wasn't one man, OP. I was a prostitute for a few weeks over the Christmas period of 2001. I can't really tell you what it was like: it was transactional and not traumatic but not pleasurable either.

Eolian · 19/09/2017 22:24

Totally. I don't equate sex with emotional attachment at all.

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:26

Thanks for sharing @Opheliacat x

OP posts:

Transcendence · 19/09/2017 22:27

@Eolian do you notice a difference between sex with a partner you love and one night stand sex?

OP posts:

slothface · 19/09/2017 22:33

Yes, absolutely. Just need to find them physically attractive enough to have sex with. I've got a long-term fuck buddy that's been going on for nearly 10 years, we see each other a couple of times a year and both date other people (and tell each other about it). It works precisely because I don't have feelings for him

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Longdistance · 19/09/2017 22:43

In my 20's I had a fair few ONS. I was young free single, earning money. I could do easily keep unattached. I had my own house, and the last thing I wanted was some bloke coming along and moving in. It was all for fun, and they knew that.

I did, however meet Dh in my 30's, and he'd been pining after me for years. I did go home with him, pass out drunk, and no sec took place.

I must've liked him

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 19/09/2017 22:46

Yes but I have strategies that work for me.

For a FWB - no snuggling after sex (then the oxytocin has less of a chance to make me bond). No relationship style texts with good morning, good night, how's your day going? etc. I have to fancy him like mad, the sex has to be hot but he has to be someone I'd never introduce to friends and family so there needs to be a couple of things about him I really wouldn't accept in a partner.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/09/2017 22:49

No, I can't separate the two.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.