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Hand hold. 31 weeks pregnant and he's now dating his ex-girlfriend

(110 Posts)
timingisabastard Tue 19-Sep-17 07:58:56

DP walked out 5 weeks ago - we were engaged, planning a wedding, I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and we have two children.

He stated depression and not seeing our relationship working - things weren't great but a shock to the system.

We've spoken every day since. He messages every day. He has come over on his days off and some days after work.

He's lost weight, new clothes - most of his stuff is still here. Living at his mum's. We've still been sleeping together. I saw things improving in that we were getting on, we were making plans for birth of baby, and it seemed there was a lot of flirting - like when you first meet someone in the heady days before you get together.

It's been shit but there almost seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night he told me that he was taking someone out for dinner. Second date. First was last week - he left my bed and went out with her. She's his ex girlfriend - they've been messaging for three weeks (he says).

It feels worse than him leaving - it's not quite cheating but I feel so hopeless and betrayed and humiliated.

Last night I felt so shocked I couldn't stop shaking, thought I was having labour contractions.

He phoned up crying. Saying he was still in love with me. That he didn't want to hurt me. That he still wanted to be around when the baby was born and still see our children as much as possible. I've told him that we can't be friends and we have to formalise things.

He's still going to see her - although he cancelled last night saying he felt like a shit. He thinks he was honest. It turns out his mum refused to see me until he'd told me because she didn't want to lie to me.

I feel the absolute lowest I've ever felt. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to have to do all the stuff I do now and have a newborn all on my own. I feel like I've been left to deal with everything and he's living the good life with no responsibilities.

I also want to message her and say something - tell her that just before he was with her he was in bed with me - that he's been sleeping with me, that I'm not some crazy, I'm just heavily pregnant and he's an arse, but I also know I will just seem unhinged.

I've deleted all social channels. I'm seeing the GP today about stress related migraines. I just don't know how to get through this. I don't want to.

reetgood Tue 19-Sep-17 08:08:34

Well damn. I don't know that I have a great response for you but I'm replying to keep this at the top!

My gut instinct? I'm angry on your behalf. He's treated you appallingly. I don't think there's any come back from how he's behaved, tbh.

I would start investing in alternative support channels. This man is not your support (crying down the phone at the pregnant woman he left? wtaf). Friends? Family? Now is the time to assemble support because this guy is anything but.

Picklepickle123 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:13:17

I couldn't read and run. Completely agree with PP, establish your support network now. Do you have family and friends who you can talk to in RL? Sending lots of hugs xx

ShatnersWig Tue 19-Sep-17 08:15:32

How long had you been with him? I'm assuming many years if you already had two children and a third on the way?

timingisabastard Tue 19-Sep-17 08:20:59

It took me a while to admit to anyone else that he'd left - out of shame I guess. The day he updated his Facebook (hmm) was the day him and his ex became 'friends' - actually, our youngest's birthday.

I had my best friend and brother over last night. I don't know how to even tell anyone else - I feel like an absolute idiot - I honestly thought we would have worked through things. He clearly had different ideas but wanted to keep me sweet.

We were together over 4.5 years.

RainyApril Tue 19-Sep-17 08:26:35

That is utterly shit and no wonder you are despairing. I think you now have a matter of weeks to put plans in place before the baby arrives. Rally your friends and family, even his family since his mum sounds decent. Talk to him about contact, they are his children, you don't have to do it all alone.

He will not get off scott free because the reputation of a man who runs out on his heavily pregnant partner never recovers. I doubt his new relationship will last once she knows the truth, but I would not contact her at this stage. He will have to divide his assets with you and provide maintenance.

In terms of finances, think about how much you need per month and how much you will have coming in, and see a solicitor. It is the worst possible time for this to happen but you can't wallow at this stage, show him who he's dealing with, show him what he's lost, and start looking out for your little family.

reetgood Tue 19-Sep-17 08:31:28

Don't let feeling like an idiot stop you from getting the support you deserve. I'll always remember feeling completely alone in a situation with my idiot ex and in desperation calling a friend who was amazing. There was no need for me to have struggled on my own up to then. And tbh, once I told people most were really relieved. Turns out a lot of people tolerated him for my sake and were overjoyed and ready to help me now I'd finally admitted he was a total tool. Very different circumstances but I suspect principle is the same. It took me longer to forgive myself for investing that time and energy in him, but with work I was able to. That's down the line though and not your priority right now. Right now priority is care of you and your children. Three small steps you can take towards improving support...tell another useful friend/family member? Check benefits you are entitled to and that you know where you are. Birth partner? Because I doubt in 6 weeks or so time I'd feel secure and supported by someone like your ex.

Sickofthisalready Tue 19-Sep-17 08:37:29

What an absolute cunt. Not much help, but I'm so angry on your behalf.

You deserve so much better xxxx

hellsbellsmelons Tue 19-Sep-17 08:38:42

He clearly had different ideas but wanted to keep me sweet
Nope - he just wanted to have his cake and eat it!
Please stop sleeping with him.
Distance yourself.
Get your support network around you.
Just tell your closest friend for now and take it from there.
You are pregnant and hormonal and very lost right now.
They will support you and not judge you.
I know I wouldn't judge.
Set up a routine for access to the DC.
Stick to it. Hand overs at the door.
He needs to understand loss.
He doesn't so far because you've been doing the 'pick me' dance.
Time to take back control and kick his disgusting arse to the curb.

picklemepopcorn Tue 19-Sep-17 08:39:31

It is cheating! He was leading you on, having the best of both worlds.

Hopefully you are full of rage at his behaviour. I'd try and build the relationship with his mum, if you get on well, as she can facilitate contact and be a support for the children. She has shown herself to be trustworthy.

Plan a future without him in it, it will be tough with three little ones, but at least you'll know where you stand.

RedForFilth Tue 19-Sep-17 08:42:31

Gosh I'm so sorry OP. I'd look for a new birth partner if I were you and establish firm boundaries. Don't allow him to see the children at the house. He can see the baby there once it's born for short periods before taking the other children out so you have time just you and the baby.
After I kicked my ex out (he cheated whilst I was pregnant and when I had a newborn) even now my son is 2.5 no one will go near my ex. Everyone knows what he is and no women (well, no decent ones that he would actually want to be with) are in the slightest bit interested.
Take one task at a time OP. Get as much RL support as you can. One day you will look back at this and be thankful for the strong independent person you are. You are so much stronger than you know, even if you don't feel it right now.

coffeeX10 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:42:38

Wow. What a rat. What an utter utter shit.
Please dont feel ashamed, this is him, not you. Agree with PP's get lots of support around you. Hopefully the ex will scarper when she realises hes left his heavily pregnant partner and his two children.
You will get through this flowers

HCantThinkOfAUsername Tue 19-Sep-17 08:44:02

That's awful, can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.
Similar happened to my best friend, she was 35 weeks when it happened, the midwife was a good support and signposted her with lots of help for the newborn days and health visitor arranged a nursery nurse to come in so she could go to counselling, rest etc.
Agree with pp about support system. flowers and get an mot with the gp and migranes, BP checked etc

THirdEeye Tue 19-Sep-17 08:46:41

Please don't feel ashamed, get angry.

He's treated you and your DC appallingly. He's slept with you whilst wining/dining another women and probably sleeping with her too.

Those tears were tears of a guilty conscience, not tears of regret or sadness.

Stop allowing him over, to play happy families. Formalise contact with your DC and surround yourself with friends/family who can offer you support.

I would also contact your midwife and let her know what has happened.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 19-Sep-17 08:51:51

You have nothing to feel bad about, hold your head high.

He is the shittiest shit that ever existed.

You are right to ignore her. Focus on yourself and your kids. Can you formalise contact arrangements. He should be having kids EOW plus one night during week. Stop him coming round and seeing them at yours, he wanted out he needs to make arrangements. Is he paying maintenance yet?

Tell people, you need support

flowers and a massive hug

Newtoallthissh1t Tue 19-Sep-17 08:54:23

I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and can't imagine how you are feeling. He is a complete cunt!
Please please don't try and make excuses for him. He IS cheating. He is being an arse, and it's NOT because your an idiot.
As much as it hurts and you think you want to be back together, you need to stop sleeping with him and although allow contact within the children have nothing to do with him socially.
I think maybe your worried to tell your friends and family as once you do it makes it harder to get back together with him of the sistiation changes. However hard that seems now, it's actually a good thing.

I really feel for you. I'm by far no expert in relationships, but you sound so sad and I think you'd be so much better in the long run without him! X

timingisabastard Tue 19-Sep-17 08:55:40

You are all so lovely. Thank you.

I've told him he will not be my birth partner. There will be no happy families or him coming here to see the children and hanging out. There will be set days and there will be no picking and choosing about the good and the bad bits. He's avoided doing so much already and I'm not prepared to pick up his slack anymore.

I will speak to his mum once I feel less emotional.

I went and ordered baby stuff last night on his credit card - after worrying that he'd have no money I put off buying stuff but if he can buy new clothes and wine and dine someone else, I think that set of muslins can be purchased.

I've already gone through the financial motions of getting things in place. It's just the emotional element. I'm pretty worried about PND after having awful postnatal anxiety last time but my midwife has been supportive so far.

It just feels very lonely - even with people around.

And there will be absolutely no more sleeping with him - I can safely say I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now.

AdalindSchade Tue 19-Sep-17 08:58:12

What an absolute shit. He has cheated, absolutely. I'm so sorry.

cakecakecheese Tue 19-Sep-17 08:58:23

No one will think that you're the idiot in this situation. It's all him. Please surround yourself with as many good people as you can. I'd try and minimise contact with him as much as you can as hearing his sob stories and tales of dating another woman is not helping you at all, any necessary contact can be done through his mother.

timingisabastard Tue 19-Sep-17 09:00:52

It is cheating, isn't it? It's cheap and distasteful that he's seeing someone within 3 weeks of walking out - never mind when you've got a pregnant fiancé.

It's made me physically sick - I feel awful for what all this is doing to this baby.

RedForFilth Tue 19-Sep-17 09:02:45

Good for you timing you sound amazing. Your children are so lucky to have you.
He might try and be at the birth stating it is his baby and his right to see it born bla bla bla. It isn't. A birth partner is whoever will support you best since you are going through it. Ensure your midwife has put on your notes that he is not to be allowed in to the birth just so the hospital are aware.
Being on your own is so much better than spending another minute with that excuse for a man. I know you feel lonely, but you are not alone. flowers

AdalindSchade Tue 19-Sep-17 09:04:51

Of course it is. He was sleeping with you and leading you to think you were working on your marriage whilst dating someone else. Saying the magic words 'trial separation ' doesn't allow for sticking your dick in randoms with impunity

timingisabastard Tue 19-Sep-17 09:19:01

I'm hoping for a home birth - but I feel like the best course of action is me telling him once the baby is born - just to stop any issues. I can't have him there at my most exposed and vulnerable knowing he's sleeping with someone else. It feels wrong and I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I think I'm taking comfort in the fact that I gave this relationship everything. I loved him and would have done anything to make things work - but he doesn't feel the same and clearly didn't - and so I have done all I can. He's thrown this away when I have given him so many chances.

Who'd have thought heartbreak could make you physically feel so bloody awful?

linda30 Tue 19-Sep-17 09:34:02

I don't have much in terms of advice, but I completely sympathise with you and feel very sad for what you are going through. I experienced a milder form of a similar predicament, it was tough as hell and traumatised me for many years to come. I'd be very prideful and even purposely obstructive, though this doesn't sound very mature but sends a strong signal. Don't beat yourself up for trying to work it out with him, just shows you're a good person but have been unlucky. It's not your fault.

Newtoallthissh1t Tue 19-Sep-17 09:42:01

Heartbreak is definitely a physical thing. It really hurts. But like all injuries - it does heal. Xx
Think of your baby and your lovely children and how your lives will actually be so much better without him!

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