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WIfe's lack of interest in me

(131 Posts)
Ignatius Mon 18-Sep-17 23:41:49

Unfortunately I think my wife has signed out on me. When I come home there's no eye contact , virtually no greeting, when I try to kiss her anytime her lips are pursed shut and she moves her mouth to the side. she's always being critical of my looks, clothes, she never wantss to go out with me, never calls, never texts, never asks how I am, never ever shows affection, she is even critical of me in front of people lately I can't stand it, been married 20 years. As she gets older she seems getting more impatient, nagging and aggressive. She never says she loves me anymore, when I ask why she says I'm too sensitive and we are not 20 anymore. She now controls everything . Is she ill??

HelenaDove Mon 18-Sep-17 23:51:09

Have you attempted to talk to her and ask her what is bothering her.

Ignatius Mon 18-Sep-17 23:59:38

I have she gets rather angry and tells me I'm imagining it , sometimes she walks away, she also says nows not the time . I try so hard to talk to her to try and find out what's wrong but she always manages to close me down by kind of referring to some other things like work. I have had appointments at the hospital and she never asks what's going on I can't believe it , totally totally oblivious to me .

Graphista Tue 19-Sep-17 00:03:26

In your position I would create time and space to speak to her properly and being clear why you have done so. I have to be honest and say I rather suspect she is possibly having an affair. The anger could well be displaced guilt.

Ignatius Tue 19-Sep-17 00:15:39

Have tried She refuses always finds an excuse not to talk, I too suspect an affair, but there is no evidence apart from this behaviour, and I tell myself it's to easy to jump to affair status, but my whole gut is yelling at me . I have never felt so unwanted in my life.

TimeForTea73 Tue 19-Sep-17 00:26:14

It is possible it isn't that. If she is in her 40s she may just need reassurance. Don't get me wrong..it sounds like you are having a rough time and need it just as much..but having recently had a breakdown with my job, I directed every negative feeling I had to my partner and he had done nothing. I wasn't in a good place at all and frankly he couldn't reach me. I was severely depressed and just didn't know it.

If you can't speak to her, write her a letter. Be honest. It could be something small chuck, when we've been together a long time we get set in our ways and its no ones fault really but you need to tell her. X

JWrecks Tue 19-Sep-17 00:27:22

You can't go on like this. It's life-destroying living that way.

If she refuses to talk to you, I don't know what you can do apart from leave.

You can always try once more, and really tell her very seriously that you MUST speak with her, about this issue, right now. If she still pulls the "it's not the time" or walking away nonsense, then tell her outright that if that's the way it is, then you are leaving and that's final.

You'll know your answer, one way or the other.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 19-Sep-17 00:34:19

What is the history of your marriage? Have there been problems in the past?

ferrier Tue 19-Sep-17 00:39:18

I wouldn't assume an affair.
A few details aside, I could be your wife. Yes, I've clocked out of the relationship but I'm not having an affair.

LellyMcKelly Tue 19-Sep-17 00:55:35

She wants out but doesn't know how to tell you.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 19-Sep-17 01:24:08

How old is she op? Could she be menopausal?

She needs to talk to, or prepare for her marriage to be over.

I think you should spell that out, what have you got to lose?

It sounds utterly shit i certainly couldn't live that way.

Jemima1967 Tue 19-Sep-17 01:31:28

I'm in the same position although it's my husband doing this to me. How do you respond? Have you closed down as a result? I know I have over these past five years. Which is awful really, as to an outsider looking in, my behaviour is the same...

butterfly280 Tue 19-Sep-17 01:37:36

It's time to take back control and tell her the marriage is over unless she can start to work with you to repair the rot. It sounds awful...you don't have a lot to lose by calling it quits and looking for a woman who truly values your company and desires you.

mumofone580 Tue 19-Sep-17 02:01:35

I'm with ferrier and in same situation. It's little things that bang the nails in the coffin
Over the years until that final nail goes in....you just shut down, can go both ways.

However as you seem willing and trying to understand maybe couples therapy or counselling on ones own to try to work it out.

Good luck!

Windytwigs Tue 19-Sep-17 04:37:48

Another one who you could almost be describing here. Except my reasons are due to realizing how much I have been taken for granted over the past 20 years, including having to take his word that nothing happened in a couple of dodgy looking and disrespectful circumstances of his creation, enabling his career at the expense of mine, and him getting arsey when I point out that his effort isn't enough/equal to the amount I put into the family.
Does any of this ring a bell with you Ignatius? Maybe she's finally grown tired of being an unappreciated PA/skivvy/childcare/entertainment manager etc, and the respect and enthusiasm has waned, because the other crap has worn her down.
Is she busy with kids/making dinner when you come in? There's a lot more to this that you haven't said. I doubt very much that it's an affair.

Windytwigs Tue 19-Sep-17 04:43:17

And make sure you're being truly objective about this behavior. Do you call/text/ask her out? Are you never impatient/nagging/aggressive? Really?

Talkedabout Tue 19-Sep-17 05:15:26

Could have written Windytwigs's post.

All the years of running a household get you down. Additionally, the high points in my life as a wife were cleaning his shit stains from the en suite and being kissed liked a wet and cold fish.

BR62Y Tue 19-Sep-17 06:28:45

I see it's gone from a bit of sympathy to you being to blame very quickly in this thread!

If I were you she would be gone if she won't talk about it.

Life is too short for this shit and it won't get better if she won't address it.

All the others staying in similar situations- why?

Believe me as a parent of adult kids they will not give a shit about you when they grow up. They will put their own needs very much first so don't live your lives worrying about them.

MiniTheMinx Tue 19-Sep-17 06:38:32

The things that stand out for me are, being critical infront of others, and she controls everything.

This doesn't sound like a temporary blip, or a nice person who is struggling. If she were worn down and depressed I'd doubt she had the motivation to control everything. As for the public humiliation, that is never acceptable.

I think you would be quite justified in ending it. Life is too short to be subjected to this.

Flyingflipflop Tue 19-Sep-17 06:49:47

So no mentions of snooping on the phone, trackers on cars, checking bank accounts? How about ducks in a row, LTB, shit hot lawyers or running for the hills?

Windytwigs Tue 19-Sep-17 06:53:52

What do you mean about her controlling everything? What does that mean exactly?
This post seems very vague and light on detail, without the usual self reflection I have seen on other threads, which is why I'm not going to jump in with the 'poor you' brigade just yet.

ThinkingItThrough16 Tue 19-Sep-17 06:58:25

It could well be that your wife is having a helpless crush on someone, and that she is fight against it. She may be feeling guilty about it and not know how to be with you as she feels she is cheating on you, but doesn't want to. Crushes can be cruel.

AufderAutobahn Tue 19-Sep-17 07:09:33

People are rushing to blame here, which I don't think is fair.
Would your wife be willing to attend couples counselling? Or has she completely checked out, do you think? If there is an issue, counselling should help you both (assuming no abuse involved in this situation from either side) , but if she's not willing to communicate with you and help you both improve the situation, perhaps time to consider calling it a day?

Talkedabout Tue 19-Sep-17 07:15:15

The only person rushing to blame is the OP: "Is she ill?"

It does make the responses look a little skewed, but I think most posters are pointing out that she is not ill, but fed up, and giving reasons why.

MiniTheMinx Tue 19-Sep-17 07:21:16

I disagree, if this was a woman describing the behaviour of her male partner everyone would be shouting about abuse.

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