Why am I so scared to end it!!

[Gordonbennit]

My relationship has ended in my head iv kind of moved on but I just can't sit my DH down & say it straight "I think you should move out" I'm just so bloody wishy washy!!!
We've been together 17yrs got 3kids 3,5,7 i can cope alone as I do everything anyway.

I'm scared....DH will never leave as he is happy to bungle through burying his head in the sand (& his phone)
I'm scared....what if he leaves & he's miserable & begins to hate me & I can never relax
I'm scared....of the change
I'm scared....of waking up one day when I'm old and knowing iv wasted my time being miserable with him...not to mention the guilt for the kids
I really need to grow some bollocks iv got every scenario of what life might be like for both of us single playing round in my mind I just can't see the wood for the trees!!!!

[Itsgoodforthegarden]

Do you have some days when you think it'll get back on track OP?
Have the 2 of you tried counselling?

[Itsgoodforthegarden]

Seems like you're not 100% sure.
Are there any good times?

[SweetLuck]

I read Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway (apologies, I know self help books are not 'cool' ) and it really helped me get over the fear of ending my marriage. I would recommend it.

[Mrsjohnmurphy]

I think you missed out the "he will say Okey dokes and gambol off and meet the love of his life and live happily ever after, whilst you are left to pick up the shit work fear"

That is a big one, or maybe I am backwardly projecting.

[Gordonbennit]

Just a sneak back on while I'm at work!

There are times in my head when I think 'oh why can't we just live happy ever after' but as a recent family holiday proved - he is just not on my team when it comes to it. Iv felt this for years and have realised I'm some what of a co-dependant kind of person but as I get older & analyse the relationships around me I see how flawed mine has become.

If he was the kind of man (now) to go out and find someone that would make it easier but he has completely cut himself off from any friends he had and tends to shun new ones which makes all the guilt of asking him to leave even worse - even though that is a bed he has made for himself but as a house hold we all live with - no-one comes round to us I don't feel comfy as hes very negative a lot of the time. Which u don't want to visit someone and come out depressed.

We haven't tried counselling, when iv spoke to him before about me thinking he suffers from depression he's right about said that counselling & antidepresants etc are the poison of the pharm companies getting us all hooked to follow their agenda, so although I havent said 'lets go to counselling' I don't think he could open up to someone like that....

I just feel a bit lost in it all - it's like I wish he was a different person (1 he has not been for about 9yrs) so then we could play happy families, but how long do u wait for this to happen!?
No sex in 5mnths - my doing
Haven't really spoken properly in 5mnths - both our doing...
Sorry for the rant best get back to work - it's taking over my mind!!!! Arggg :)

[IrritatedUser1960]

Because changing the status quo is scary, even if you want a divorce or split when it actually happens you fall to pieces at first, everything is torn down and you build it back up again.
That was last year for me, there was a year of tears, regrets and pain but a year later the absolute relief that my husband has gone is overwhelming. My life has totally changed for the better.
My advice is to try and keep it amicable if possible all the way down the line. This will reduce cost and angst. try and stay friends, go out for a drink and a chat during the process even if you don't want to. It['s better for the kids and for you than open warfare.

[SweetLuck]

even if you want a divorce or split when it actually happens you fall to pieces at first

Some people do. I was thoroughly expecting that I would myself. But in actual fact in the even I was euphoroc after I split for about 18months. I have calmed down a little now but I just wanted to say that it isnt inevitable.

[Gordonbennit]

Ah thanks for your replies, iv watched this site for ages now but never posted before....

My friends who iv told limited details to think I should just grow a pair but I feel like im casting him adrift...even though I also think it's his doing even though he may not have realised what he was doing I still feel guilty, then I think of the endless times iv had to drag him out of bed to come on days out with us & he's spent all day sulking & been cold with me and the kids. He doesn't deserve us. Bloody hell suppose no-one ever said it would be easy
Hard to stay hard to go.

[Arealhumanbeing]

I also recommend the book, Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I really wasn't keen when it was given to me and thought it would be all cheesy platitudes. It's easy to read if slightly bossy and you can dip in and out of it if you prefer.

It could help you to deal with the fact that you don't seem to believe in your ability to deal with the fall out of leaving, whatever it might be.

Have you tried making a list of pros and cons? Or asking him how he feels about ending the relationship?

I think the fact that you say the relationship has ended in your head and that you spend a lot of time imagining the two of you single speaks volumes.

It really does sound like you know what you want but the lack the courage to make the change which is understandable. Maybe a counsellor could help you through the process?

[Gordonbennit]

Thanks il have a look on Amazon about the book

Well I've spoke to him about him moving out, he didn't seem too surprised it wasn't quite a sit down get it all out on the table discussion but it's a start, think he could def tell the difference between this and our other 'let's try to make things better' kind of chats.

Maybe il approached it one small step at a time - I told him better to end now than end up hating each other,
He said he might go work away

Your right about the thinking of us single thing...

I'm ashamed in a way but iv never been single perhaps for a few months in my early twenties and that's it!! Even without all the negative shit from him killing our relationship I'm starting to think it would do me good to just think for me...should I have thought of that pre-kids!

I hope he still makes the effort to see them when/if he does go, friggin guilt at it again. Perhaps the guilt won't go but il just have to live with it

[Arealhumanbeing]

Nothing to be ashamed of. I think many of us sleep walk into marriage/parenthood and long term relationships because of societal expectations. It's subtly sold to us as the only way to live in hundreds of ways.

The contact he has with the children will be his responsibility. Try hard not to feel guilty about his actions. You can only control your own behavior.

Hope you sleep well.

[UnRavellingFast]

OP everything you describe is me and my stbx. Everything. Mine also did gaslighting, sneering, imitating me in a high pitched wanky voice, very occasional violence and loads of ea. Does yours offer that on his menu too? They sound so alike :-D

I have just left. Literally. It took me years and several attempts. It is hard to gee yourself up to doing it when you've been a mental captive and had your sense of self eroded for so long. But just to offer a ray of light, as I said, I have just walked out and am just feeling peaceful and content. I felt weepy till I realised I was worried about the hamster so brought him with me and feel calm and serene and myself again now. Things I needed prescription meds to achieve whist "in prison". He's throwing the guilt, anger, scorn, suicide threats as he did the previous ties. I'm forcing myself to remember this is master manipulation. They're masters at it, so armour yourself against that and read all the blogs and threads about EA that you can. It will restore your faith in your judgment. Good luck and thinking of you.

[Gordonbennit]

Thanks unravelling (great user name!!) big pat on the back for you, you must feel like your floating :)

Think I'm a co-dependant kind of gal...I helped care for my ill parents as a child n notice how easy to please people I can be, even if I do have a preference I don't tend to ever mention it. I have allowed him to get this way I guess.

A real human....I must keep your last line in my head as yes it's his responsibility with the kids - Wouldn't surprise me if he just dumps them eventually as his family are very distant & cold with each other (why did I not see these markers before I got with him lol!!)

He finds out about this new contract today so see what happens...maybe he thinks the break from each other & extra cash will help but it's kinda gone past that for me.

Thanks for your thoughts iv found the stuff on these forums to be like a breath of fresh air :) x

[Arealhumanbeing]

This may be a bit soon but I can't help but be excited for you.

It may be that you have a wobble and feel like changing your mind. No judgement, just keep posting.

[Gordonbennit]

I know I'm trying to just hold off too much chat about it so as neither to get excited or get emotional.

Well he starts the new contract soon so says he'll have enough money to move out.....time will tell, hope it's not messy.

Thanks for your support strange & lovely how even the strength & support of strangers genuinely helps!!

[SandyY2K]

Maybe he realises the marriage is dead and wants out himself. Men tend to be more cowardly about ending marriages.

[Arealhumanbeing]

@SandyY2K

Yeah. Is it to do with being the "good guy" to the end. Regardless of the cost?

[UnRavellingFast]

I agree that they'll behave like shits to force us to do the breaking off. Then we're the bitches and they're the sad family men who "just want their family back". But of course they don't really because when they have them they bulldoze, sneer and ignore - IME. Not just me but dcs too. Yet "they are his life".

[Gordonbennit]

Next hard bit will be actually getting him out...I'm sure he will might try to just leave it now hoping that the change in circumstances with his new job wil change things enough for me to forget about it.

Perhaps il give him the week to settle into new contract then bring up the subject again if he hasn't already. iv done everything for him for so long (a lot of that is my choice as iv learned im a bit of a control freak - not with people just with stuff for the house & kids bills after school clubs etc) I feel like I want to find him somewhere to live to make it easier & so I feel it's suitable for the kids if he has them over....is that weird?? Am I overstepping my mark doing that or looking after my interests by getting it over quicker & smoother??

[jeaux90]

Well look finding a few places for him to look at to get the ball rolling might be ok and it does send a clear message but it's not really your decision on where he lives so you need to step back.

If you have been in relationships for a long time the biggest gift you can give yourself after he has moved out is getting comfortable being single, on your own. Your friends may try and get you to start dating when you go through the lonely patch, don't do it. Feel the loneliness and then it will wash over you and you'll start to love it.

I'm a single mum. I took four years totally off dating etc I left him 6 years ago. I met someone 1.5 years ago but I now have no intention of doing the socially expected thing of moving in together etc. (I'm 45 for a bit of context) I love being with him a couple of nights a week and we have the odd trip here and there but I relish my independence. I focus on my kid and my career.

Get your friends close, spend time with them and start looking forward to a brand new wonderful future xxx

[pudding21]

OP I had so much fear ending my 21 year relationship (2 kids) it was EA towards the end, but fear had me paralysed. He doesn't work (I do), he has a poor relationship with his family (I don't), he also cut himself off from all his friends (I haven't), he has an alcohol issue (won't deal with it). I left 8 months ago and things have been really tough, but I am much happier overall and he is starting to make strides to improve his life (still no job!).

He has so far had an old flame over to our house (I left) for a week, been to France to see friends he fell out of touch with, had mutual friends over to stay and entertained them, is trying to find something to do regards work (not enough), he is panning to have 2 more people over form his school days he hasn't seen in 20 years, and a trip back to the UK to visit the old flame and more old friends. Its been a bit of a kick up the backside for him I think. He might not be proactive after you split (if you do), but he might suprise you.

Do not let fear paralyse you and stay miserable if you feel it cannot be repaired. The most powerful piece of advice I was given was this. biowrite.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/boiled-frog-relationships/

It might make sense to you too. Good luck.

[Gordonbennit]

Thanks jeaux90 - I fully intend to be single, I'm 38 had 2x long relationships this has been the longest at 17yrs,

That's what I'm most looking forward to just not having to think about another adults opinion on what I wish to do or say - as iv said above I'm quite a co-dependant person so I need to learn what's best for me and what I like as iv always really just gone a long with what 'they' want. Not all of that has been bad of course but it's a bad habit to have.

Plus.....oh my god what the hell has happened to dating!!!! (which last time I was single was just a cheesy word used in trashy American films) scrutenised online, multiple dates to see who likes who best etc etc I can't imagine this ever being my thing - imagine all the preening & shaving sounds like to much hard work.

pudding21

Iv just read the link - it's got loads of great other links which I'm gong to
Go through I love a bit of psychology the 'distorted thinking link' is my DH all over.

Wow for all the stuff your ex has done I hope mine sorts his self out but I know that won't happen in this downward cycle were in now.

Guess I have to accept this is going to be a long process of adjustment in all sorts of ways I don't even know of yet!!

[PickleFactory]

Hi OP,

I was in the exact same position, not been happy for around 4yrs and felt trapped in a loveless marriage. Then the bastard cheated, I had my 'get out of jail' card. But it was still hard actually saying those words.

So last Tuesday I sat him down and told him that I was filing for divorce. I was actually shaking as I said those words, but God did I feel like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders afterwards.

I started divorce proceedings yesterday.

I am a SAHM and my DS are 9 and 6. The future does look scary but I'm looking forward to it.

All the best OP, you can do it x

[Gordonbennit]

Well done pickle!!! You should be grinning from ear to ear 😀👏

There's so many brave people on here it really gives inspiration

[Gordonbennit]

Just bought 'feel the fear' book so off to get comfy now and feed my brain