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Ghosted after 2.5 years together

(88 Posts)
toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:10:42

We're both in our 30s - I'm 31, he's 37. We met over two years ago on a trip and I felt he could have been the man I settled down to be with.

But he vanished. I tried texting/calling but was removed from social media. I told him it would be OK if he wanted to end things. I just needed closure. I explained I wouldn't be upset,, I wouldn't cry (in case he was avoiding me due to fear of confrontation). It's been 3 weeks and nothing. I know we'll never speak again. He lives in a different town to me, around 90 minutes driving, so we won't be bumping into each other anytime soon.

He seemed a nice enough bloke, treated me very well, spent all this time with me. I loved him very much, I cared for him, but sometimes I felt like something was missing, so I would push him away - but not in a significant way, maybe I'd made some comments if I was having a bad day or if he has annoying me. I was very preoccupied with work, so I didn't give it my best, but there were some minor issues I wanted to work on. I wasn't mean to him, I wasn't abusive or anything like that. But maybe he could sense the doubts I had, although I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, so to speak

I've been going therapy since he vanished and my therapist says he sounds to be a very sensitive man who just couldn't talk to me and has confrontation issues. We weren't bad people and had some lovely times together, but just disappearing is no way to end something with someone you once loved.

I am accepting of the situation but can't believe some people behave like this. It is absolutely shocking. You hear a lot about ghosting after short term dating, but nothing after nearly 3 years together.

Just looking for some support on here, I guess.


OP’s posts: |
userxx Sun 17-Sep-17 22:14:55

How did this come about, did you have an argument ?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 17-Sep-17 22:17:03

What a massive shock. Similar to a book I read recently too but beyond shocking for you and it's good you're having councilling to help you come to terms with it.

Natural friends? His place of work? Do you want to track him down or try and work through what you think happened within the relationship?

I'm so sorry you're going through this flowers

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 17-Sep-17 22:17:20

Mutual not natural!

indigox Sun 17-Sep-17 22:17:47

I went through this exact same thing a year ago, turns out he was cheating and didn't want to tell me, until I found out 3 months later which was a huge relief, I finally got to move on.

juneau Sun 17-Sep-17 22:19:01

Bloody hell - 2.5 years and then 'poof'! That's terrible OP and I don't blame you for wanting some kind of closure - even an email explaining why would be something. I think ghosting is terrible and unless it's to escape an abusive relationship I just don't understand. FGS is it so hard to be a decent human being and SPEAK to the person you've spent all that time with? Even if it is just to say 'I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me any more and I want to end it'. I'm glad you have a therapist who is helping you work through this flowers

holidayqueriwifi Sun 17-Sep-17 22:19:53

Oh God you could be me except this happened a while back. In fact 10 years ago. A really shitty and nasty thing to do. It's his problem. Deep down you know that he is a very unkind and weak person. You can live with this and move on. He has to live with himself forever.

Gemini69 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:23:41

I'm sorry to read of your cruel and unusual situation OP.... the only thing can imagine.. is that he is 'Emotionally Hiding' from this situation...

I cannot imagine any other reason.. as you say it's been almost 3 years... it's very odd flowers

toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:24:07

No argument. We hardly ever argued. We kissed each other goodbye the day before I went on a busy work trip to Scotland. We weren't in touch for around a day, or a day and a half, before I called. No reply. I tried again the next day, thinking he might be busy. Nothing. A few days later, I sensed something wasn't right. So I sent some messages, nothing hysterical, just telling him we should talk it through calmly and nicely and I would not contact him again if that's he wanted. Again nothing.

After 3 weeks, I don't want to hear from him, to be honest. In a way, he has done me a favour - I did have doubts, even though they weren't huge, there was definitely a gut feeling that was off.

I can't figure out why he has done this though. Resentful because of my behaviour/doubts? Or met someone new (if so, not sure it would be serious - we pretty much lived together 24/7)? Or just fell out of love and couldn't face hurting me?

OP’s posts: |
TheLegendOfBeans Sun 17-Sep-17 22:26:17

Some folk are just resolutely spineless.

Aminuts23 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:26:54

He's done it because he's a massive twat. What an absolutely awful thing to do to you. You deserve far better

toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:29:50

indigos holidayqueriwifi Sorry you went through the same experiences. Maybe it's not as uncommon as thought.

OP’s posts: |
toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:30:23

holidayqueriwifi did you ever hear from him again?

OP’s posts: |
TractorTedTed Sun 17-Sep-17 22:32:43

Are you sure nothing has happened to him? If it's out of character and unexpected it seems so strange to me that he could just ignore you like this.

holidayqueriwifi Sun 17-Sep-17 22:38:49

No! Never ever heard from him again. We went to the same party years later and he didn't come in when someone said I was there. Bizarre. Went from almost living together then gone! He had had work worries which I was supporting him with. Another girl appeared quickly. He did the same to hrr a couple of years later.

userxx Sun 17-Sep-17 22:39:31

Wow, its fucking frightening that he could actually do that!!! He's not dead is he? Do you have mutual friends? That is unbelievably cruel and for a man of almost 40, well it's just shocking. You actually don't sound overly bothered about him, more the way he has ended things (if you can call it that).

When seemingly good relationships end abruptly, it can be really hard to get your head around it. I've been in that situation and I still think about it at times.

holidayqueriwifi Sun 17-Sep-17 22:40:36

I hear he's still single with a drug and drink habit these days. I clearly dodged a bullet there.

Runaways01 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:41:40

Could there be mental health problems involved? Abandonment issues for instance. If he knew you had doubts about the relationship then he might have chosen to avoid rejection by abandoning you entirely?

Whatever his reasons it's still a really shit thing to happen to you, so I'm sorry flowers

Dizzybintess Sun 17-Sep-17 22:45:39

Do you know his family to enquire if he is ok/alive

toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:47:17

Dizzybintess I know he is active on social media so doubt he's dead

OP’s posts: |
toffeeapple123 Sun 17-Sep-17 22:49:17

holidayqueriwifi yes you dodged a bullet! how did you find out he did the same to that girl? how awful, people can go around doing this. a clear pattern.

OP’s posts: |
MarthaArthur Sun 17-Sep-17 22:49:49

Oh Op same thing happenwd to me very recently! Nearly 4 years and he ghosts me. I knew he had met someone else though as he went to a party and stopped texting. Went very cold and arogant to me. After 3 weeks he told me he met someone else and never wanted to hear from me again. This may not be the same as yours but I am so sorry. flowers

flatpopcrapcrisps Sun 17-Sep-17 22:50:56

God that's terrible. But you've had a plaster ripped off instead of a slow demise. And you're now one step closer to being with someone who deserves you. flowers

SocMcDuffin Sun 17-Sep-17 22:53:13

An ex from the early nineties ghosted me. I was young and didn't have a name for it back then.

You have had a lucky escape. He'll likely surface before long - if OW doesn't work out, and be all surprised that you haven't waited around pining á la Miss Haversham for him. Mine surfaced twice more and like an idiot I took him back. The third time I finally copped on and told him there would'nt be a fourth time. He did try though hmm

holidayqueriwifi Sun 17-Sep-17 22:55:08

We have friends in common so I hear things very occasionally. I didn't at the time though. No one saw him for some time. Really affected me for many years. Until I saw him repeat pattern. Now I havè managed to move on and make a good life. But the hurt is still there.

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