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If you lost a parent in your teens do you remember them now?

(74 Posts)
Inanotherlifei Wed 13-Sep-17 18:06:15

I know it's stupid, but my mum died when I was a teenager and I hardly remember her. She feels like some vague concept that never really properly existed in any real sense. I don't know if this is because everything changed then, so I didn't have anything familiar to relate to.

I always felt like I bounced back from it quite well but I don't think I did.

Mrsjohnmurphy Wed 13-Sep-17 18:08:32

How old were you?

Doesntfitthemould Wed 13-Sep-17 18:09:36

I lost my parents at a young age.
It scares me that I'm reallystruggling to remember things.
It can't be helped I guess
flowers

BinG0wings123 Wed 13-Sep-17 18:10:46

My mum died when I was 11.
I don't remember much but I have an absolutely appalling memory anyway and I don't remember hardly any of my childhood

Mrsderekshepard Wed 13-Sep-17 18:11:57

Not the same but my mum walked out when I was 3. I have the odd memory but do t ever remember having a mum as such.

Inanotherlifei Wed 13-Sep-17 18:13:30

I was 15.

Derek flowers

user1471452691 Wed 13-Sep-17 18:19:55

I feel exactly the same as you OP. I was 15 and have huge gaps in my memory of events around that time. I know I've felt her loss all my life..

PourMeAGlass Wed 13-Sep-17 18:24:09

I lost my Mum, 2 years ago at the age of almost 40, I have loads of memories and that makes me smile. But I've realised I can't hear her voice anymore in my head, this makes me really sad.
I can't imagine how anyone must feel losing a parent as a teenager, I will always be a little girl, missing her Mum x

Ahrightsoted Wed 13-Sep-17 18:33:02

This makes me feel so sad, I haven't lost my mum but dd is 6 and the thought of something happening to me and her not being able to remember me breaks my heart sad

CorporalNobbyNobbs Wed 13-Sep-17 18:35:45

I was 11. Remember her pretty clearly. Not many specific memories spring to mind but if i thought about it I'd probably come up with quite a lot.

Inanotherlifei Wed 13-Sep-17 18:37:59

Im not choosing to forget her! Anyway i do remember some stuff it just isn't clear.

WhichJob Wed 13-Sep-17 18:42:12

I think the lack of memories are connected to the trauma of the loss. A coping mechanism of sorts I imagine.

lokijet Wed 13-Sep-17 18:43:25

i have memories of my dad but I'm not sure how many from when I was really young are real memories and how much a construction from stories and photos I have been told. I do have clear memories of when he was ill and dying but sadly thats not the best bits - I was 15 when he died I know my brothers (13 and 7 at the time) struggle with this

SchnitzelVonKrumm Wed 13-Sep-17 18:59:30

My mother died when I was 16 and I'm very aware now (30 years later) both that my memories of her are fading but also that I didn't really know her as an individual, just in her "mum" role. I'm an only child too, and I don't know my father, so there's never been anyone to talk about that relationship with. An unshared childhood ends very abruptly. The fact that my friends have all started losing their parents has really underscored that for me.

Derek flowers

Lymmmummy Wed 13-Sep-17 19:21:24

Scintz - thinking of you

I lost my mum at 25 and similarly am starting to lose the feeling of her having been a part of my life if that doesn't sound odd

Like you I find it hard when friends even well into their 40s have a full compliment of parents on both sides and i do feel I have lived a vey different life as a result

grannytomine Wed 13-Sep-17 19:29:44

I was 13 when my dad died. If it helps I can say I remember him better now than when I was younger, I think being a busy mother and working just seemed to fill my mind but now I am older and retired and I remember lots but his voice is another thing, I can't hear him.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 13-Sep-17 20:27:56

It was a few days before my 16th birthday when I lost my dad unexpectedly, he was 47. Sometime I will remember him when I least expect it and it hurts, it really hurts (it is now to think about it). I didn't see a lot of him as he run his own business and worked all the hours under the sun to provide for us all. But times he would set aside were golden, family holidays, going to work with him for the day to check out work on site being carried out on some factory machinery the other side of the country (me, him, sometimes mum and then go somewhere nice in the afternoon). Sorry I'm going on a bit. Basically just before he died his business was doing well and he could afford more leisure time. I got to see him more and he was truly the wisest man I have ever met. He also had the best mischievous dry sense of humour too. I was at an age where we were really just starting to know each other not man and little boy but man to man. Then one night just before my 16th birthday he was taken from us. Worst birthday ever, although mum and my brother amazingly try hard to make it enjoyable. I have never got over it, it still cuts me right up to this day 17 years later. I just feel completely cheated, it just feels so unfair. I just wished he had been there to see all the obstacles I have conquered, the thing I have achieved, the milestones I have reached. And I wished he could have seen his grand children, I so wish my kids could have met him. Yes I still think of him.

justme93 Wed 13-Sep-17 20:34:23

I have very little memory of my father who passed away when I was just 7 years old. I've tried to remember him but it's all very vague sadly. It's heartbreaking that I never got to know who he was, I'm not close to my family much now so have no photos or anything. I understand where your coming from.. somehow it becomes quite fuzzy 😞

VioletHaze Wed 13-Sep-17 20:35:18

I lost my mum at 16. I remember her well, but it bothers me sometimes how little I knew her. She was my mummy, but I never knew her as a person, I am surprised by the things I find out about her sometimes and I'm scared I have invented a lot of memories to fill in the gaps.

intelligentPutty Wed 13-Sep-17 21:12:30

I lost my mum at 12. I have no memories of her as a child. Except for some very traumatic events. I see photos. These are the memories.
I don't remember her. What she was like. Who she was.
I really hope my daughter never has this experience. ;(

intelligentPutty Wed 13-Sep-17 21:13:53

What it would be to have memories of her on holidays. Spending time together. Anything....
I even remember those holidays. But I do not remember her being there. If u know what I mean...

claraschu Wed 13-Sep-17 21:18:00

This is so sad.

My parents were both very ill and weak and suffering from dementia for many years before their death, and even though I was 45 when they died, I feel like the bad memories of their last years have erased so much of who they really were from my consciousness.

Occasionally I get a glimpse of one of them, sometimes in a dream, and once when I went back to the house I grew up in after not being there for many years.

scaryclown Wed 13-Sep-17 21:21:20

You can get it back, you need to feel the loss.. Try some of the teal Swan meditations like how to feel and how to mend a broken heart. It sounds flaky but it's actually proper psychology made palatable.

Sleep a lot, and again use relaxation music and meditations and try to think of little memories, holidays you went on, places you went etc, even if it's just names first. After a lot of this memories will come back, a lot of it is the first bit.

A family member died, a divorce happened and I got injured and I forgot nearly all my childhood in favour of only memories after teenage, and there were many blank bits, I got tons back, it is weird and not necessarily good for you, at least in the interim it, can be quite sad, but it's a fantastic process.

missyB1 Wed 13-Sep-17 21:22:56

I was 16 when my dad died. He was never a hands on dad, bit of a distant figure really. I do remember him but not in detail as I don't think I really knew him that well.

I think perhaps it's not the age at which you lose a parent that determines the memories, but the relationship you had with them?

AtSea1979 Wed 13-Sep-17 21:23:19

I have no experience of thing. It surprises me that my DC 12 and 8 would not know me if anything happened. Maybe now in the age of technology things would be different.

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