I need to tell him it's over

[Fenellapitstop]

We have been married for 17 years. In that time he has accused me of cheating, repeatedly called me a cunt, tried to make me hit him so I'd lose my job, told people I was trying to kill myself when I wasn't, again to discredit me at work, belittled me, has been unwilling to support me when I've had horrible things happen, he has been aggressive towards me and our son as well. When friends visit me he stays in the room the whole time. He will cause a scene if we do anything that isn't about him. He's now on the verge of losing his job again. This time I can't help him. He is unable to tell the truth. His behaviour has been so difficult I believed he was mentally ill, I took him to the gp and he just said he was passive aggressive and a problematic personality. I can't face another 40 years of this. I've decided that I can't do this anymore and he will have to move out. I need to protect the children and I want to be happy again. My problem is I'm worried about how he will react. He is a vindictive character, as are his parents. They went to the trouble of photo shopping his exwife out of all photos they had and flew to Germany where he was living at the time to removal everything they could from their flat. They gave us the deposit on our house. I have started sorting myself out, I've changed some pin codes, I have an email address of my own for the first time ever and I'm going to set up my own bank account tomorrow. I know I'm being a smudge vague but he sometimes checks if I still post on here. Any ideas on how to do this?

[butterfly56]

I don't think you will be able to get him to leave.
If he is vindictive he's going to make your life a lot more difficult and if he has parents who are the same you are going to be up against all of them.
I have been in a similar situation and ended up walking out with just me and the children clothes.
But it was the best decision I ever made and never looked back and being able to shut your own front door and have peace and quiet is priceless.
Went to stay with a friend for a few weeks whilst I sorted out accommodation.
You could ring Womens Aid they can help you with good advice.
I'm sorry you are going through this I know how stressful it is and I don't know how you have put up with it for so long.

[RandomMess]

Yes to speaking to Woman's Aid and if need be to a midnight flit...

Do you receive the Child Benefit? Have you friends or family you could go to if necessary?

[PeppyPiggy]

You need to leave, he sounds unpredictable, plan it thoughtfully. Don't leave any trace of where you're going. Change your number etc. if he wants to see your child and you think he is at risk of doing something awful then have the visit mediated, whether it is by a proper mediator or even just your parents.. proceed from there

[Fenellapitstop]

We both own the house, I do have some friends I could go to but our children's school is here. I've told my friends and some of the people I work with what's going on as we are a very close team and we kind of deal with this stuff for others all the time. I do claim child benefit but due to my wage that's all I'm entitled to

[QuiteLikely5]

You tell him you want to separate and see if he offers to go? If he doesn't want to then tell him you want to put the house on the market.
Life should not be lived in despair.

[Fenellapitstop]

Also gp advised that we shouldn't go to counselling of any sort as it would just be a continuation of his behaviour. My parents can't help as they passed away a few years ago. I know the kids would need to see him, he would also be worse if he couldn't, even when we've been getting on in his opinion he's supported the fathers rights movement

[Anon171175]

When you jointly own the home it can be very complicated. You can't force him to leave. If you leave, you are liable for half the mortgage (unless you can get him to agree to pay it all).
If he refuses to leave I would put the house on the market. If he refuses, go and see a solicitor who can force the sale.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Stop thinking about appeasement to make him less bad. That's the old way of thinking. It didn't work did it? People like that enjoy being mean so he'll find something no matter what. Might as well make the right choices for you and your DC.

While it would be convenient if he moved out and you stayed in the house, what do you think the chances of that actually are? I don't doubt that it would be best if that happened but it won't will it?

Go to a solicitor to find out about forcing a sale.

He will be vindictive. He will try to damage you as much as possible.

I'd arrange a rental of my own nearby, hire a man and a van one day while he's out and get as much of my stuff as possible over to the new place before he gets back. Then he can't steal your stuff like he did with the ex's stuff.

[user1493413286]

I'd speak to women's aid and they can give you advice and put you in touch with someone to give you legal advice about your house.
I'd start getting your finances in order so you have money you can access; take some of your important documents like passports, bank statements etc to work to keep there or ask a friend to look after them for you.

[Fenellapitstop]

Went to the bank today in attempt to set up my own account, no appointments were available, so I made an appointment for another day. Helpfully, having been told I needed the account as I am trying to leave my h they emailed the details of the appointment to the email account on our joint account. The joint email account that he manages. Brilliant

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Have you managed to get to the email and delete it?

[Desmondo2016]

I imagine the appointment email is somewhat automated. You probably would be better going to a different bank as a brand new customer. Sorry, horse and stable door and all that.

[category12]

You can set up a basic account (and manage it) online, you don't need to go into branch. It would be better to use a different bank entirely from the one you have a joint account with already. Bit late advice, I know, but you can still do it.

[Fenellapitstop]

He'd already read it, I just told him that because of him being likely to lose his job soon I thought it was a good idea. It's too late now to worry about. I just thought it would be easier to move things in the same bank

[Desmondo2016]

Keep your wits about you. He may be on high alert if he suspects you're planning your exit and if he's as you describe him, he will NOT like the thought of you taking control.

[category12]

No, better an entirely different bank because of 'set-off' were the joint account to be in trouble -

"a) we owe you money on a current, savings or other account under this agreement or another agreement with us; and
(b) you have failed to pay us any amount you owe us on an overdraft, Personal Reserve, credit card, personal loan (including a mortgage) or any other credit agreement you have with us, we may use the money we owe you to reduce or repay the amount you owe us. This is called a right of "set off"."

It's really easy to switch direct debits etc bank to bank. No harder than account to account within the same bank.

[Fenellapitstop]

My hands are sweaty and I feel sick, I've managed to access our online bank accounts. Most of my inheritance is gone. He's been transferring 100's into his personal account. He's also arranged that when he loses his job at the end of the month I continue paying 100 into his isa and 50 into the joint savings which he has decimated

[category12]

Get legal and financial advice urgently.

You can freeze the joint account on your own if necessary (go to branch) , but bear in mind you can't start it up again without both agreeing.

[category12]

His actions will be trackable, so you may be able to force repayment eventually. You can cancel the isa and savings payments.

[Fenellapitstop]

I've stopped those payments and transferred the remaining savings that I can access to my own name. I've also moved all the direct debits for the household bills onto my account which he can't access. My pay is now going to go into my own account. I'm just so pissed off he's done this when I trusted him

[RandomMess]

Get all the financial evidence you need before anything else!

Evidence of all that money in his name that is marital asset! Why have you put the bills in your name/account?

[Fenellapitstop]

He's about to lose his job. Don't know if he's going to get another one. I don't want to be at risk of losing everything over him. All of the bank records are on line in only his name so I can't access them

[ijustwantfiveminutespeace]

His he physically abusive towards you or are you scared of him?
Call the police if you are and maybe get him out the house that way. Restraining order and all that.
Good luck. Keep alert. X

[Fenellapitstop]

He's never physically abusive but a very convincing liar and has told awful lies about me in the past. He is just emotionally abusive and controlling. He damages the house and denies it even when seen. He has also threatened violence towards our son. I'm scared of what he will do when he realises it's over

[Itsseweasy]

Thank goodness you are planning to get away from this horrible creature.
I wouldn't be held responsible for my actions if someone threatened violence towards my child
Please keep talking here, there is a wealth of knowledge (and hand holding) when you need it.