Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Something needs to give, is it me?

(30 Posts)
Dozenmorewonthurt Sat 09-Sep-17 23:32:13

I honestly don't know where to start with this one, I keep thinking that it's only just started, a recent change, but looking back this has been going on years. I'm finding it difficult to explain, to be honest I'm not 100% if something is wrong or if I've fallen out of love and I'm just imagining these things are a problem, as an excuse/reason maybe? We have 2 DC.

I've told him so many times I need more help around the house, with the DC. It's bordering on daily now. He accuses me of nagging, tells me, and had told his doctor, that I am the reason for his high blood pressure despite having a family history and 2 siblings with the exact same issue. He goes out a couple of times a week leaving me to tidy up and get the kids to bed. If I dare to say I'm going out he says I'm selfish and a bitch and shouts that I never asked him. Up until recently I used to feel bad and stay in, pathetic right? He hates having to look after the kids, he will literally sit in a dark room all day and complain. McDonald's is a valid food choice for all meals at all times unless I come home and do it for them. He always complains about how bad his life is because of me and the kids, because of the house, our jobs, he's constantly comparing us to everyone else. Everything is everyone else's fault. We both work FT, I get up at 6am every morning to get DC ready for school/childminder. Gives me time to pack the car, get myself ready, etc. He gets up at 7:15 and gets himself ready and fed and leaves at 7:40am. He never helps, he does collect the eldest and once I get in with the baby 2 hours later then I've to do homework, cook dinner, tidy up, clean kids. He literally hands the child his phone and tells him to be quiet. He used to get angry very very easily, this usually ended with him getting in my face and saying "I could fucking thump you right now". This stopped a few months ago after I screamed at him to just do it, part of me just wishes he did. I just feel it would be a solid reason to leave. I begged him to get help over the years but he's always insisted he didn't need it. Things would be great for awhile then it would all start over again. He demands sex, oral weekly but the thought of him touching me makes me sick. Everything is emotional manipulation, I know it's going to happen, yet every time I end up feeling like a bitch. He ends up getting what he wants and I end up confused and angry and wondering how we got here. He turns it around so easily.

I had a difficult few years and struggled after the birth of my youngest. I just don't know is it me? I'm clearly approaching everything wrong because nothing is changing. I don't know where to go. I'm miserable, I fantasized for a long time that he had an affair and left us, for no other reason than he would be gone and wouldn't be bothered with us.

Has anyone been through this? Any advise? I'm just lost

LatinForTelly Sat 09-Sep-17 23:38:40

Kick the useless bastard into touch.

thestamp Sat 09-Sep-17 23:38:47

The only thing wrong about your approach is that you haven't left this bastard yet.

Truly why are you with him? Most women who have such frankly abusive husbands will protest that "he's such a good dad" - this absolute wankbadger of a man can't even claim THAT.

He's screaming abuse at you, has threatened to assault you ffs. Can you not just end this! Honestly it's not you. It's him!

TheStoic Sat 09-Sep-17 23:45:09

Do you have sons/daughters?

Do you want your son to grow up to be a man like this? Do you want your daughter to marry a man who treats her like your husband treats you?

SandyY2K Sat 09-Sep-17 23:52:37

He sounds awful. Demanding sex and treating you like you're there to service him like an unpaid sex worker.

Just tell him you don't want sex when you don't want it. He sounds like it's all about him.

Start planning how to leave this abusive relationship. Women's Aid is a good start.

Dozenmorewonthurt Sun 10-Sep-17 00:16:33

Thank you for the replies. I don't know what I was expecting, but thanks for coming back to me. It's good to know it's not just me. I've been steeling myself for this for a while, I don't have anyone in RL to talk to right now.

I have boys Stoic, I would hate for them to treat any partner like their dad treats me.

I suppose the next part is a ridiculous ask to most of you here. But how do I go about this. Also, spanner in the works, I'm based in Ireland. I also don't know how you'd prove any of this, it'd be my word against his. I don't have any friends who've been through this so have no one I can ask.

TheStoic Sun 10-Sep-17 00:24:34

I don't know the ins and outs in Ireland, but who would you need to 'prove' anything to?

You work FT, so do you think you could support yourself and your kids financially?

Many women leave marriages like yours and discover their day to day lives are EASIER. I suspect you will be one of them.

Dozenmorewonthurt Sun 10-Sep-17 00:35:55

I'm not a high earner, but I could manage. I'd be entitled to help and tax credits so may even be better off. He won't give money towards bills etc but does cover his half of the mortgage. I'd get by.

It would be easier, no more tension, walking on eggshells. I'm doing everything on my own anyway.

I'm guessing Google is my best friend in these circumstances

thestamp Sun 10-Sep-17 01:55:42

Can't you arrange to talk to a solicitor op? Google actually helps less than you'd think. Although good to check what you're entitled to in benefits of course.

I promise you, a solicitor appointment will really help.

My heart goes out to you. I agree with pp, it's not about proving anything. It's about getting out x

SweetLuck Sun 10-Sep-17 03:36:42

Do you own or rent? Would he be happy to move out? If not could you afford to leave and rent somewhere?

Dozenmorewonthurt Sun 10-Sep-17 08:27:51

Hi Sweetlick (sorry don't know how to tag, the shame blush). We bought and have a mortgage. We live in a very popular area and rent for a 3/4 bed within a 30min drive of school/work/childminder is €1600 p/m minimum. I just couldn't afford it. To be able to rent at what I could afford would mean moving county, which would leave behind kids school, my work, our support network.

No he wouldn't just leave, he'd make my life a misery. I've told him before I was miserable and wanted out. He turned on the charm for a week and then when I didn't "get over it" he started to get threatening. Said if I wanted out of have to leave the kids and house. From what I've read on here, there seems to be a script.

Ive looked up some information on it. It's all very all over the place and depends on what each person does at each point in time as to how you/the courts/mediation etc will progress.

There's no way I'd be able to afford a solicitor. The catch 22 is I'll need one to help get him out of the house, which always goes to the primary carer. He will insist this is him though. But I need him out of the house before I can apply for legal aid and the waiting lists in my area are 18months. Priority is given to DA/EA victims, but I need to be able to show that before I can apply on those grounds.

It's a mess, I'm stuck for the forseeable. I honestly can't see a way out of this.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sun 10-Sep-17 08:33:30

Sorry for my ignorance but is there a Women's Aid in Ireland? Something like that would be able to give you support and guidance.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sun 10-Sep-17 08:34:29

You sound so lovely by the way and deserve a happy life. You will find a way out if this for you and your dc.flowers

jmh740 Sun 10-Sep-17 08:53:55

Most solicitors will do a 30 minutes free session. Not sure about Ireland but look into it.
You sound defeated to me like you feel you can't do anything. The behaviour you are describing is abusive and you and your children deserve better.
Don't worry about being on your own it sounds like you do everything anyway. Look into benefits would you get help with housing? He would have to pay maintenance. Could you buy him out of the house or he buy you out? If not can the house be sold? Can you downsize? Can the boys share a room?

Jux Sun 10-Sep-17 12:46:57

Ring WA. It may be different in Ireland, but give them a go anyway.
Also CAB, also the police dv unit (101).
Try to find a solicitor who does the free half hour and then get as much info as you can.

He is an abusive bastard and you need to get him out of your lives.

I'm afraid I have no idea how much of this ^^ applies where you are.
, but I assume the law is the same? So emotional abuse is a crime. Talk to your gp. List everything he has done (and what he doesn't do but should), including threats and threatening behaviour (blocking you, pushing/pinching 'by mistake' etc).

Get your ducks in a row. You will need proof of his earnings and any investments and savings.

Keep a diary of his abuse.

kittybiscuits Sun 10-Sep-17 12:51:56

He's an abusive waste of space. He makes your life a misery - he will have a lot less opportunity to do this when you end the relationship. Keep a diary. Document his absolute lack of parenting and all his abusive behaviour. Life is way too precious to waste it like this. Be strong, plan, get rd of him.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 14-Sep-17 18:42:27

OP you can phone any of the women's refuges in Ireland. They will chat to you and they take emotional abuse very seriously. You can also phone the guards if he's shouting at you and frightening you. It may seem to you that this is a drastic step, but again they will take it seriously. You can get court orders to get him out of the house, the refuges and the guards will advise you. Phoning the women's refuges is a good start.

You're feeling hopeless at the moment about there being no way out but there is. For example you could arrange to go part-time at work/reduce your hours for a short time, and then you'd be the primary carer. Set up your phone so that you can record easily with one touch and record him shouting at you. Keep notes on the things he says. Do you have friends or family around? Invite people to your home, explain if necessary. Sooner or later they will witness some of his behaviour.

Keep posting here. You'll get through this.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 14-Sep-17 18:43:36

The reason I know about the guards and the women's refuges is because I have phoned them wink

Dozenmorewonthurt Mon 02-Oct-17 14:46:05

Sorry I haven't been on in awhile. Things got messy, be got into my phone and sent messages to 2 friends pretending to be me. Nothing odd in the message, not fishing for information so I can't get around why he did that. He knows about my email diary so I've had yo move everything and set up new passwords etc
Then yesterday he walked out the door. Hasn't been back, no text or calls. I'm scared to contact him in case he does come back, I'm an odd mix of emotions right now. I'm dreading the inevitable return and conversation. It'll all be my fault and part of me is saying just fucking accept it so he'll leave. Then there's the stupid bitch in me that will eventually argue back, correct the lies and pull him up on the omissions. That's when shit will start. I know if I ask him to leave he won't, he'll make my life a misery and threaten to take the boys. I've been advised to leave with the boys but take the bare minimum. The judge will see that as fleeing out home. But what the hell am i supposed to do then, shelters are full, its impossible to rent the market is insane here at the moment.

Sorry, I'm going around circles. I just don't know what to do anymore everything looks impossible. I thought I had a plan, then reality kicked in, I have nothing.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 03-Oct-17 09:59:26

Hi Dozen, did he come back?

Myheartbelongsto Tue 03-Oct-17 14:03:06

I'm in Ireland also op.

You will get some financial assistance. Have you looked into FIS? Also there is help with childminders, nursery etc.

yetmorecrap Tue 03-Oct-17 15:50:19

I would rather live in a 1 bed flat with kids in a 1 bed flat in a less 'nice' area and sleep on the sofa than live with this absolute arse!! There seems to be a lot of ladies on this site who desparately want to split but do feel the need to have 'everything as it is' , I understand that, who doesnt, and yes its grossly unfair, but genuinely your health, safety and sanity count for more. Why do you have to go anywhere anyway? surely he should go and then be paying you and children maintanance You havent said if you are married, so if not, he would at least have to pay for the children. There are options OP! you need to get advice first to see what they are. when someone is a drama llama like this you get so into a mindset of being stuck with it, it can be hard to take action. Say to yourself 'he is a prize prick and Im out ' and make an appointment for advice asap.

Dozenmorewonthurt Wed 08-Nov-17 20:13:56

He came back, I told him to leave, that I'm done and I'm worth more than that. I passed the point of fear, passed the anger. My boys do not need to see that shit. I've contacted a solicitor (toughest bitch I could find) meeting next week. I've applied for FLAC and fis. He's refusing to leave the house, can't make him unfortunately. He's sworn he'll get help, get better, stop drinking, stop taking shit, you had 8 fucking years jackass.

I'm moving as fast as I can while he's trying to talk me around. To be fair it usually works, I used to just be so happy that he was going to try. I'm hoping that by the time he realises that I'm serious I'll be well set up. I've a few aces up my sleeve but he will make my life an absolute misery. And when mil finally finds out the fun will really start.

I've managed to get all the paper work away from the house, I took my sentimental pieces. He doesn't care about them bit will use them to hurt me if he can. I've been hiding money so I'm hoping to be able to afford a few essentials. I'm ok to cover everything (mortgage childcare loans etc) he fucking barely paid anything anyway so he's actually been doing me a favour who knew! I need strength and smarts and to be 10 steps ahead. He's a liar and deceiver and his family is the same. I'm ready for them to rewrite history (I think) but I need to protect us from what's coming.

I need the nest of vipers

OrangeCrush19 Thu 09-Nov-17 07:57:37

Giving you a bump.

Well done. You ROCK. I’m so pleased to see your update - you sound so much stronger. Good luck flowers

girlinamber Thu 09-Nov-17 08:28:28

One viper here to support you. I'm in awe of your courage and recent update. Keep going !

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now