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Great guy, sex awful

(74 Posts)
Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 11:52:46

Please help me!
I had an awful divorce 9 years ago, been mostly happily single since. Had a couple of shortish relationships but nothing serious. My 2 DD's are now 16 and 20 and it seems now or never to try to meet someone.

So I've been in touch with a lovely guy who lives about an hour away. We have spent quite a lot of time together over the summer and definitely have a connection.

However the sex has been awful. I dont think he has much experience with women despite having a 20 year relationship which broke down a couple of years ago.

Can I carry on hoping it will improve or am I wasting our time...? He seems to be happy to carry on and likes me very much. I'm a youthful 54 and still would like a decent sex life but he is so lovely in other areas that I just don't know what to do.

ColossalKalamari Sun 03-Sep-17 11:54:39

It depends if you can guide him as to what you like...if he's eager to please you and attentive then you might just be able to show him what you like and he will get better with practice.

If you've tried to do that and he keeps doing the things you hate, or doesn't listen to You, then ditch him

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 03-Sep-17 11:59:25

It depends what sort of awful..

If he's keen but inept, maybe you could show him what works.
If he's disinterested, you may have more trouble imporving things.

The worse type of awful are the ones who have a "technique" which they think is brilliant and earth shattering for you's not.
I gave up with one of those

WinchestersInATardis Sun 03-Sep-17 12:00:43

What Colossal said. How is it awful? Have you told him what you like?
If he's a decent guy, he should be happy to work with you to make it better if you tell him how you like it.
If he's not that motivated to make it good for you and the pleasure was all one-sided, he'd be getting the boot, if it were me.

Hulder Sun 03-Sep-17 12:01:18

If he's great, can you show him and will he learn?

If he's set in his anorgasmic ways, then he's not so great, is he?

Sparkletastic Sun 03-Sep-17 12:02:56

Small penis awful or doesn't know what to do awful?

Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:03:37

We spent a few days together last week and I pretended to be asleep at bed time.... he is absolutely clueless about the whole thing. He doesn't take his t shirt off, i think can probably only get an erection in the morning, oh it's probably me as well, as I don't think I fancy him enough to teach him..!

Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:06:41

Sparkle, he isn't well endowed but it isn't a micro penis either and hasn't had sex since his last relationship ended so it's all a bit of a struggle. He seems to find it easier in the morning.

ComtesseDeSpair Sun 03-Sep-17 12:07:29

Communicate. Before, during and after sex. Show and tell him what you like. "I really like it when you do X, how about we try X+1."; It feels great when you do Y and if you did Z at the same time it would be even more amazing." Ask him what he likes, what feels good to him, what he likes best about what you do to him - finding out what turns your partner on is a great way of building on that with stuff that also turns you on.

As long as he isn't selfish or uninterested in your pleasure, communicating and learning the maps of each other's bodies will lead to improvement.

ComtesseDeSpair Sun 03-Sep-17 12:10:01

The tshirt thing is likely to be self consciousness about his body. The go-to advice on here for women who say they're anxious about their bodies is to wear a pretty nightie for sex until they feel more confident.

If you don't think you fancy him enough though then I'd just let him down gently and move on.

BeachFar Sun 03-Sep-17 12:11:43

hmm.. Comtesse ... each to their own but the instruction sounds a bit 'forced' to my mind. There is a learning aspect, though I prefer the word discovery. But I am unconvinced that sensuality and attraction can be "mapped" in that X,Y,Z way.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Sun 03-Sep-17 12:13:04

There's low sex drive awful - no hope if he's one of those
There's size awful - no hope if he's too big or too small for your needs
There's prudish awful so no oral sex or anything experimental - no hope if he's one of those
There's "I'm amazing in the sack" when he's not awful - no hope with one of those
There's five minute wonder awful - some hope. Maybe medication for premature ejaculation or finding a position that slows him down
There's inept but keen awful - some hope as you can start suggesting things. When he sees your enthusiasm he'll learn!
He may have a huge kink that he hasn't shared with you which might unlock his passion. Do you chat openly about sex, favourite positions, opening up about wanting to try something new? That might encourage him.

Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:13:44

Yes you're probably right. I'm not sure he is self conscious about his body although he is very skinny, more that he only seems bothered with let's just try and get it up, stick it in etc. I think I was hoping that he'd be a tiger in bed and I'd fancy him more because of that.

RockyBird Sun 03-Sep-17 12:14:03

If you don't fancy him enough, don't bother.

ComtesseDeSpair Sun 03-Sep-17 12:16:10

It works for me! But then I find talking about sex one of the sexiest and most intimate parts of having sex. Discovery works too, but it's no good waiting for your partner to learn what you like and meanwhile putting up with shit sex and feeling resentful because you wish they could guess more correctly.

scaryclown Sun 03-Sep-17 12:16:28

Are you waiting for him to be aroused and impress you, or is it a mutual joining in kissing and stimulating thing?

When I talk to friends about this, though I wouldn't say it to their face, the ones who think getting naked, maybe with a 'tadaa' is enough to make a man a rabid sex machine, are the ones who most often complain about 'couldn't get it up'.

What are the dynamics of your interactions?

Ikabod Sun 03-Sep-17 12:17:50

You need to train him up to your standard. its would be a shame to let a good 'un go because of that. Take charge and show him how to please you!

Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:18:36

Meeting a good guy at my age is hard and maybe I've just fooled myself into fancying him because he is nice, hoping the sex would be great.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Sun 03-Sep-17 12:19:10

Just saw your update. I've had some crap sex in my time but never had one that keeps his t-shirt on. If he's not horny other than possibly in the morning then maybe he doesn't fancy you enough either or you're flogging a dead horse.

thisfamily Sun 03-Sep-17 12:19:32

What makes the sex awful?
If you really want to get something out of this thread you have to be a bit more specific.

In general I would focus on affection touch and closeness. This will make him feel safer and more relaxed: Things like a back massage, cuddling up and kissing.
Tell him when you like what he does.
Tell him to look in your eyes so he can see whether you like it or not.

userxx Sun 03-Sep-17 12:20:53

If you don't fancy him you don't fancy him. When I'm really into someone the sex is always good, maybe it's more in my head than the actual sex, if you see what I mean.

Smeaton Sun 03-Sep-17 12:21:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1490607838 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:21:45

Yeah I am wondering what makes him crap too. I mean, I can honestly say I have never known a man actually 'crap' at sex. confused

Is there stuff he doesn't want to do?

flowergirl5 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:22:05

I was with a guy for nine months - sex was great but he never once took his t shirt off lol xxx

Cahu58 Sun 03-Sep-17 12:23:17

He has told me that he had trouble getting an erection with his last serious relationship 20 years ago as anxiety made him nervous. Then once he did he was fine.

I've not experienced anything like this before so am disappointed. I think he does fancy me but the problem is that now it's been slow to get going I'm losing interest maybe.

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