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Emotionally drained.

(364 Posts)
LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 20:13:51

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

Mrscropley Mon 28-Aug-17 20:17:42

Sorry but he isn't on the same page as you. .
You are not doing your ds any favours by having such a flakey df.
No wonder he has anxiety.

GlitterSparkles17 Mon 28-Aug-17 20:21:21

If you don't want to leave him then you need to openly and honestly tell him exactly how you feel, his reaction will tell you all you need to know. He probably won't be interested, I think I remember your other thread.

Suggest couples counselling, do you think this is something he would do?

If he loves and respects you then he will work towards making changes, if he feels he doesn't need to change then sorry but you need to LTB or you will never be happy.

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:24:13

Can you have a heart to heart with him and tell him you'd like him to be involved in family life?

When you say third holiday since end of term, do you mean third holiday on his own? Was there a family holiday? Sorry not much help I know but that seems a really odd thing, for him to go holiday without you.

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 20:25:47

@GlitterSparkles17 - I was thinking anout couple counselling myself but I know it is something he won't agree to.

It is him that has to make chances, all I want is to be "a family" is that too much to ask?

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 20:28:46

@iammargesimpson - He is very hard to talk to (he hasn't always been like this) and it's the third holiday on his own with cousins and friends, he said that we all go "somewhere soon"

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:29:16

Can you have a heart to heart and tell him you need him to be more involved? When you say third holiday, did he go away on his own? Was one of those hols a family holiday? If not, why not, seems an odd thing for a partner to do - go off on holiday without their family. agree with pp counselling could be a good idea for you both as a couple

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:29:54

Sorry thought I lost the first post and then reposted!

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:32:19

Third holiday on his own with cousins and friends? While you're at home with ds and pregnant? Can you honestly see his attitude changing before the new baby arrives? I think you need to have a serious chat with him, forget the heart to heart! He needs to step up.

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 20:38:59

@iammargesimpson - Yes me and DS have stayed at home, and no I can't see him changing before the new baby is here I say this because he hasn't been involved in preparing for the arrival, meaning he hasn't been to one scan or been involved in shopping for the baby, it almost feels as if he is not interested.

GlitterSparkles17 Mon 28-Aug-17 20:45:01

I'm sorry but you sound as though you know he's never going to change no matter what you do to try and make things work so why stay? He's absolutely taking advantage of you while he goes off on holiday enjoying himself.

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:45:39

I'm sorry but he isn't interested, and if he can't or won't change then you know what you need to do. I haven't seen your previous thread but I hope you've got some rl support to help you over the next few months as it is coming across in your posts that you are effectively a single parent. I hope things get better for you OP I really do but read back over your posts as if someone else wrote them, what would you advise the poster to do?

Shoxfordian Mon 28-Aug-17 20:45:56

Probably because he's acting like he's not interested

I saw you don't want ltb comments so I think stop doing everything for him; go out and leave him with the children so he has to step it up a bit. Don't do everything around the house. And really think about whether actually you might consider l the b

thestamp Mon 28-Aug-17 20:47:50

OK so it's him who needs to change,

and he won't go to counseling

and he won't really talk to you. And he wasn't always that way.

But you say that the relationship is not broken? I'm very sorry, I know you feel awful already but I think you don't have much of a choice here but to accept that he doesn't care very much. I'd say things sound pretty broken.

My best advice here would be to tell him what is going on, from your perspective, and ask him how he is going to address the problem, and then wait for him to address it.

I'd set a deadline of six or so months and if he's not taken action by then, I'm sorry but I'd say it's time to get ducks lined up and go tbh. He is so not arsed and he's making it crystal clear.

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 20:52:15

@iammargesimpson - I have my mum but she doesn't live local, I also have a friend who I'm sure will be happy to help but they shouldn't have to. If someone else posted this I wouldn't have any advice except for flowers
@Shoxfordian - I have reason(s) to leave him, like I've said he isn't abusive and he hasn't been unfaithful.

zippydoodaar Mon 28-Aug-17 20:53:26

Did you go on any of those three holidays? hmm

Pollydonia Mon 28-Aug-17 20:55:39

I'm going to be gentle op, but it sounds like he has already checked out of the family and the relationship.

Shoxfordian Mon 28-Aug-17 20:57:33

Abusive or unfaithful aren't the only reasons to leave though; it can be as simple as this selfish behaviour which means your relationship is damaged slowly

MatildaTheCat Mon 28-Aug-17 20:59:07

Unfortunately you are enabling his awful behaviour. Why are you available in the bedroom when he is so obviously not interested in family life at any other time?

You don't want to LTB but you absolutely need to set some massive boundaries unless you want to be a virtual single mother of two who has sex on demand with the father of her DC. Sorry but you have to take some action.

iammargesimpson Mon 28-Aug-17 20:59:40

Op, shoxfordian has it spot on

JaneEyre70 Mon 28-Aug-17 20:59:58

Stop doing anything for him, full stop. If he can't show you any consideration, don't show it back. He's taking your good nature completely for granted, and isn't worthy of your efforts. Then when he asks why he's got no clean clothes or tea, explain calmly that he does nothing for you. And repeat, until he gets the message loud and clear.

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 21:10:19

@thestamp - I will try and speak to him tomorrow, before I go to bed I will write down what I want to say to him.
@zippydoodaar - No we didn't.
@Pollydonia - It does seem like that, it's like he is just "there" iyswim
@JaneEyre10 - It would be very petty of me to just stop.

zippydoodaar Mon 28-Aug-17 21:17:25

It sounds like a miserable existence.

Are you getting anything positive from this relationship?

I assume he is a teacher? Some male teachers seem to be incredibly selfish. I knew two like this. Very odd men.

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 28-Aug-17 21:19:48

@zippydoodaar - Yes my son and my unborn, and no he isn't a teacher or odd.

Wallywobbles Tue 29-Aug-17 06:26:49

But you'll still have them without him. It's sounds like leaving him would be the making of him as he'd have to step up to the plate and be a father. Would you be prepared to say you'd like a trial separation. It's the only way I can think of improving your situation where he might also "see the light".

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