sick of this, it's affecting my mental health

[Lovemyfurfurbabs]

This is going to be long because of backstory but I will try to be succinct as possible. Please be kind as I just feel a bit delicate about the whole thing. I hope it's ok to go under relationships as it's about family relationships and not my OH. If not say and I will get it moved.

I am the oldest of 3. I'm 24, DSIS 1 is 21 and DSIS 2 is 18. Our parents split up years ago - our father is EA but extremely subtly so. I won't go into all the things he has done but suffice to say he isn't a nice person and I don't trust him. I am not NC with him but both me and DSIS 1 are low contact. Our DM while not perfect (mainly due to her own crap upbringing) has always given us lots of affection, support etc and worked hard to keep a roof over our heads. DSIS 2 seems to actively despise our DM and adore our DF. I think part of this is she was very young when DF left so she doesn't remember all the things he did which DSIS 1 and I do. It's partly also because he has told her a whole heap of bullshit about our DM (which I know is untrue, this is not me being biased). I worry about her spending too much time with our DF because I know what he is like and I know he will not have her best interests at heart, however I have never, ever said this to her and never would, because I feel it's important for her to feel she can come and talk to me if she needs to without be badmouthing DF.

DM is very very honest and literally cannot hide her feelings about anything. So DSIS 2 recently got her A level results and didn't do very well, though she did just about pass. She's clever but she did sod all revision and preferred to go out and get drunk with friends instead. She has also been in trouble with the police. When she got in trouble with the police DF was totally unsupportive of DM and basically told DSIS2 it was all fine and not to worry about it as it was just something all teenagers did at some point or other (I won't say what it was for as it would out her but suffice it to say it was pretty bad and certainly not something that "all teenagers" do). So then that made DM look like the bad guy as she gave DSIS a proper dressing down for it. Now WRT A level results DM is disappointed in DSIS because she feels like she didn't achieve her potential. She hasn't quite said this to her but equally hasn't been going OTT saying how amazingly well she's done etc, which of course my DF has.

Result is that now DSIS is going on about how ace our DF is and how much he supports her and how great it is and how crap our DM is. It is SO HARD for me to hear this shit as you have no idea how emotionally abusive DF was growing up, he never paid a penny towards us and he was absolutely horrible to our mum (this is not her telling me, this is what I witnessed). I am under no illusions - our DM certainly has her flaws - but essentially she has always tried to do the right thing by us and she has always loved and supported us and looked our for our best interest.

I am just so frightened this is going to break our family up and DSIS2 will stop speaking to my DM and us. I know it probably sounds ridiculous for all you reading who don't have much to do with your own families but we've had so many shitty things happen to us we're a really tight unit and we've always had each others backs.

I guess what I'm asking is how can I detach myself from all this? How can I deal with my DM's upset over the situation? I know there's nothing I can do to change DSIS 2's mind so how do I accept it for what it is?

TIA for any advice. So sorry it's so long.

[splendidisolation]

What do you think she would say if you suggested she look at moving in to DF's house?

[Lovemyfurfurbabs]

I don't know splendid. I was kind of expecting at some point she would say that she was going to, but half the time I don't even know if she does really know what he's like and she's just massively in denial about it.

[RainyApril]

I don't understand why you can't - sensitively and factually - correct your sister's misconceptions when they arise.

It doesn't have to be an argument but, for example when she was in trouble with the police, couldn't you say something like 'dm is furious because she loved you and has high expectations, it wouldn't be good parenting to tell you it didn't matter'.

You can subtly support your mum without criticising your dad, if you think that would be too incendiary.

Ultimately she is likely to discover her dad's shortcomings for herself, and feel embarrassed about how she's treated her Mum. Many teenagers do see the light about parental relationships as they mature, but that could take a long time so your mum needs to make sure that any and all interactions are seen to be coming from a place of love.

[Lovemyfurfurbabs]

rainy whenever I have tried she just says that I have been brainwashed by my mother.

categorically not the case as these are my views based on what I witnessed both towards myself, and with my own eyes.

sadly my DF is a master manipulator and very good at making you feel sorry for him, which DSIS2 being young and impressionable is vulnerable to.

[Offred]

I think this is your DM's problem rather than yours TBH.

It's not nice and it's not fair but you are sister and daughter in this not mother and ex partner.

DSIS2 is very young. Hopefully she will come to see for herself that your DF is not helping but hurting her before too much damage happens to her life and if things with you, your DM and DSIS1 are as you've said you will help her when she wants it.

For now though what you need to do is avoid getting into a battle between DM and DF in DSIS2's affections and DM needs to allow DSIS2 to make these mistakes and be in the background waiting to step up.

It's DF's fault this is happening, he is still not the father he should be but you don't have any way to make DSIS2 see this, she needs to learn it for herself (as you did).

[Lovemyfurfurbabs]

it totally is offred, I just find it really difficult to detach myself from it

and it hurts me too because it is like everything DF has done has been glossed over and ignored

he wants to cause division between us and is succeeding. I know I need to let it wash over me, it's just finding the inner strength really.