OH thinking female I hate is fit...

[Sofi567b]

Long story short OH and I work together and have been together for 5 years and now live together.

There is a girl in my work who for some reason really hates me. She is a very strange character, young and ditsy but very, very attractive. I know it's not me, as I spend a lot of time with the girls I work with socially and we are all really good friends (I am even bridesmaid for one of them). This one girl doesn't get involved with the social group, keeps herself to herself when it comes to females, however is the biggest office flirt. She's actually very smart but puts on a stupid act in front of the men and gets a lot of attention because of her looks. For one reason or another, she really doesn't like me (I think the main reason is we were both up for the same promotion and I got it) but makes it very well known and on a few occasions has greatly upset me with unfair and downright rude comments and actions and has repeatedly been very aggressive with me in her responses when I so dare as to ask her a work related question or ask her to do something (I am now her supervisor). I've been nice from the offset and continue to do so which I have stuck by as I try to maintain professionalism in my work and find it all a bit childish.

Tonight my OH asked me whilst driving if I could text his mum for him. I clicked on his iMessage and the first message that came up as he was clicked in the conversation is someone we also work with. Conversation goes like this... Friend: "X is looking amazing today." To which my OH replied "Cor. Outrageous!!"
I'm hurt about the fact that he would message someone else we work with about this girl when he knows how much she has upset me previously and has always been on my side, especially with forming his own comments about her actions and saying she is being grossly unfair, etc.

Should I bring it up and say I saw it when he asked me to go on his phone and it's upset me or am I being ridiculous petty?

[RoderickRules]

It's a bit ambiguous I think?
Could be sarcasm.

It is however, not good conduct.
It could be construed as sexual harassment.

[Sofi567b]

@RoderickRules definitely not sarcasm, she is a beautiful girl

[NeverlandWendy]

Similar happened to me once, saw something I shouldn't have, a comment DP made about another woman. Have it out with him, lef him know it hurt you. Worked for me.

[WanderingTrolley1]

Why do you hate her, OP, as stated in thread title?

[Unipig]

You said yourself she is very very beautiful so he's entitled to agree? It doesn't mean he likes her behaviour or treatment of you. I'd mention it though because it would annoy me too, irrational or not.

[RoderickRules]

'Cor. Outrageous' sounds sarcastic to his friend.
Cor alone maybe something/harassment.
It's not nice to discuss people behind their back, if you think they are attractive or unattractive.
In a work place scenario it is harassment.

Something similar happened at my old workplace where two male members of staff said 'i wouldn't, shes too dumpy'

It really distressed my colleague who they said it about, and was pored over by senior staff. Both men had warnings.

[Gemini69]

there is a history of this woman being nasty to you...

your husband is being a Dick.... his comments are not appropriate atall ... imagine her delight knowing she has come between you ..

tell him to get a grip..

[splendidisolation]

I dont get the problem. You say yourself she's beautiful. He didnt initiate the banter he was just responding. Either its sarcastic, or he's joining in but in a fairly non commital way.
Give the guy a break and stop being insecure.

[RainyApril]

But friends do talk about the people they find attractive don't they? They hide it from their partners so as not to hurt them or be disrespectful, but do it none-the-less. I was out for drinks last night and several female friends were talking about their fit boss or colleague. Your dp didn't initiate the conversation, just agreed. You said yourself she's beautiful, so not a surprise that he thinks she's fit surely? He can also think she's silly, immature and a dick to you.

[Bluntness100]

It's just a flippant response. I wouldn't read too much into it to be honest.

[Brandybunny]

Bin him, you will never recover from this ! It will torture you for inperpetuity ! He's hedging his bets ....doesn't value you. Leave him you will meet somebody who appreciates your magnificent value.

[TrojanWhore]

Are you concerned because of the comment about this one girl you dislike?

Or because a preference for girls is a bit dodgy in itself? Though if she is at work, she is presumably of age. Are you worried he's going ever younger?

[Ladyformation]

Yeah, I would find it really hard to care about this. He didn't initiate it, he didn't say it to you, he didn't say it to her...

At most I'd say "oi, you know I think she's a cow, put your tongue back in your mouth". At the very most. 99% I wouldn't be bothered enough.

Honestly, what would "having it out" with him achieve? You know she's attractive, he knows she's attractive - do you want him to lie to you or never discuss anyone you work with in private again?

[SparklingRaspberry]

What on earth. I think most people would be done for sexual harassment if discussing who's good looking = sexual harassment!

Some people will moan and cry harrasment over anything!

OP I'm in two minds here. As an outsider he's done nothing wrong, he's simply agreed she's good looking. I also don't think it was sarcasm, sorry. I have also said pretty much a similar response to a friend saying somebody looked good.

However as your partner, knowing what she's like, I can see why you're upset and I would probably feel exactly the same.

I think it's one of them things where although you're right to be upset technically he hasn't done anything wrong.

He's only told his mate he thinks she's good looking. If he told her then you'd have a problem.

[Brahms3rdracket]

It's not a biggy, but i wouldn't like it. I would tell him you saw the message and take the piss mercilessly until he's fed up (and doesn't do it again).

[Proudmummytodc2]

Sorry op but I think your over reacting here.

Yes you hate her and you already said you DP stick by your side through it all but just because you hate her and her attitude stink doesn't actually make her looks less attractive.

Your DP hasn't done anything wrong here at all I think your really insecure over this lady and really just need to let it go already.

Plus he didn't even start the conversation he was replying he was hardly going to reply "sorry mate sofi567B hates her so i can't say she is attractive because of this"

Don't create a problem where there is none.

[christmaswreaths]

Is it really serial harassment discussing whether a colleague is attractive? Wow I never knew... Genuine question

[thecatfromjapan]

In all honesty, your response sounds a bit over-sensitive. That makes me wonder if, in fact, you are not being completely honest with yourself in your reading of the work situation regarding this woman.

In general, it all sounds a bit over-heated in your office. Way too much intermingling of psycho-drama, emotion, friendship groups and domestic groups. Worth remembering that work can just be somewhere you go, do stuff, get paid to do stuff, then leave.

[RoderickRules]

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is unwanted behaviour of a sexual nature which:

violates your dignity
makes you feel intimidated, degraded or humiliated
creates a hostile or offensive environment
You don’t need to have previously objected to someone's behaviour for it to be considered unwanted.

What’s the effect or intention behind the behaviour?

Sexual harassment is a form of unlawful discrimination under the Equality Act 2010. The law says it’s sexual harassment if the behaviour is either meant to, or has the effect of:

violating your dignity, or
creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment.

Yes, discussing if someone is sexually attractive to you or not can be construed as sexual harassment.
If that was on a work email they could both be on a disciplinary.
I would be furious if my colleagues were discussing what I looked like today.
Too right it's sexual harassment.
If you are just going there to do your job, you don't want text messages flying about between colleagues commenting on your physical attractiveness or not!

[Christmastree43]

I'd hate this too OP and would feel slightly betrayed!! Imagine the other way round - DP has an acrimonious relationship with a coworker, someone who really bothers him, and you and your friend are giggling behind his back about how fit he is! A bit disrespectful I think and yes I'd 100% bring it up - even if i tried not to it would upset me and I wouldn't be able not to

[Pigface1]

Sorry - I'd have a hard time getting upset over this. You admit yourself she's very good looking. I'd be much more sympathetic if your OH had started the conversation about how amazing she looked but as it is it seems to me he replied in the most non-committal way he could without being rude.

In fact reading your OP back again - are you sure he's not telling his mate that his mate is being outrageous?

[RainyApril]

I don't think a private text between two friends saying that a colleague looks attractive can constitute sexual harassment.

If it's a company phone, or the text was sent during working hours, it could be seen as unprofessional.

[RainyApril]

Citizens Advice suggests the following behaviours as harassment:

sexual comments or jokes
physical behaviour, including unwelcome sexual advances, touching and various forms of sexual assault
displaying pictures, photos or drawings of a sexual nature
sending emails with a sexual content

[OnionKnight]

It's not sexual harassment and you are over-reacting.

[TokenGinger]

The cor, outrageous sounds to me as if he's calling his friend outrageous for commenting on her. Maybe he's like s dog with a bone and your DP is responding sarcastically to say he's outrageous as in, give it a rest.

Either way, I think you're overreacting. You've said yourself she is beautiful. Not liking her doesn't remove that.