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DH 'networking' ('booze and birds') help

(53 Posts)
Fearsfortears Wed 23-Aug-17 17:15:35

First time posting so bear with me! Need an outlet and some support.

DH and I have one 4-month old and only got married last summer

His job in property involves lots of boozy nights out and I'm finding this really hard- Having difficulties trusting him.

I snooped on his phone after one too many times he returned home drunk.

His boss has been sleeping with various prostitutes (he also has son of 4 months) and he and DH have 'banter' along lines of

-DH saying he has a secret bank account to save for 'inevitable' divorce from me and 'whenever and however' our marriage ends his boss will be a witness

There is no evidence of DH doing anything with other women but there are sleazy texts e.g. 'She has a nice chassis' (bleurgh)

He has also made invited several blokes to a work BBQ selling it as 'booze and birds'

At home DH appears completely loving and soppy.

I'm heartbroken about the lies and the sleaze and this is not who I thought he was.

Do I
- discuss with him and risk inevitable wrath about snooping and possibility of him just going more underground?

- hold fire and see what happens?

Am I being oversensitive?

Thanks smile

Singyourheartout Wed 23-Aug-17 17:17:37

I'd defiantly screenshot of those messages so he can't deny them.

thestamp Wed 23-Aug-17 17:19:27

Do you work?
Do you have your own money and/or assets? (e.g. house)
Do you have any joint assets or money?
Is DH an employee, or does he run his own company/work as a contractor?

The answers to these questions would influence my advice re discuss vs. hold fire.

Sorry this has happened op. Doesn't sound very nice sad especially when you have such a young baby in the home.

MorrisZapp Wed 23-Aug-17 17:19:31

The booze and birds is pretty cheesy, but the divorce stuff is just awful. Was he joking?

MeMeMeMe123 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:20:56

Not at all over-sensitive. Agree with PP, get screenshots. Let things be for a couple of weeks and just observe. As coolly as you can.

It's tempting to react but that could make things worse tbh. He could use any upset you feel, against you.

2014newme Wed 23-Aug-17 17:21:26

So basically he's fairly sure you'll get divorced. Screen shot or take pics of the messages. Get legal advice. Do you wait for him to divorce you or do you start proceedings yourself?

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus Wed 23-Aug-17 17:24:34

So at home he's a nice guy, a lovely genuine bloke and at work he is a sexist, misogynistic prick? Yuck.

Screen shot and confront, his behaviour is appalling.

Putyourhandsintheair Wed 23-Aug-17 17:24:53

Hmmm. Difficult to tell. If you've got nothing else to go on then it could well just be 'banter', however horrible.
Is that the way he normally talks- "booze and birds"? If not then he's probably just showing off.
Has the boss definitely been using prostitutes? It could be showing off too?

RedBlackberries Wed 23-Aug-17 17:31:01

Yuck, you're not overreacting. Confront him about it. Maybe he's just one of those stupid men who go along with banter to be in with the lads or maybe he's not the man you thought he was. Either way you need to know.

If he apologised and says he was just doing the whole bloke thing and doesn't mean it would you feel better?

Adora10 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:31:22

That's horrible, not just him slagging you off but his general attitude towards women, sorry but I'd not trust him as far as I could throw him; booze and birds, is he 18 in Magaluf???

Eugh.

golfin Wed 23-Aug-17 17:34:44

Jekyll and Hyde, one side for you, the other side for the lads.

I'd lose all respect for him.

chestylarue52 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:35:45

I wouldn't respect him. Ergo wouldn't be able to fuck him.

chestylarue52 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:36:03

Cross post with golfin, high five 😊

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:37:41

I never know why women have to ask this question. I'd go batshit on his arse. Who gives a fuck if you were snooping, saving for a divorce? The cheesiness I could forgive, but not that.

AnyFucker Wed 23-Aug-17 17:38:34

I couldn't stay married to a man like that

And if he whined about "snooping" he would be told I was fucking glad to find out exactly what sort of person he is

bengalcat Wed 23-Aug-17 17:39:09

The problem as you've found with looking at someone's phone is its now like opening a ' can of worms ' Presume you looked as you had reason to believe there might be something to hide - your post says you have some difficulty ' trusting him' . Certainly now married with a baby you have more to lose emotionally , financially etc . What was he like before you married - any clues then to his current behaviour now ? Follow your heart - good luck

Offred Wed 23-Aug-17 17:40:00

He has a shocking attitude towards women generally and your relationship specifically.

The problem is not that you don't trust him but that you have discovered that you don't really know him and therefore he isn't worthy of your trust.

Tell him you know, explain how you feel. If he is anything other than sorry then you'll know the real him is the disrespectful misogynist you have seen in his texts and the soppy one he is at home is an act.

The fact you were snooping in the first place says to me this relationship is all wrong anyway.

Ttbb Wed 23-Aug-17 17:40:49

Screenshot as evidence for 'inevitable divorce' but otherwise hold fire. No good in accusing him of banter.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:42:54

Screenshot the messages.
Make copies of any important financial documents and statements.
Keep your powder dry until such a time as you are ready to confront him.
I'm sorry, he sounds like a complete git and a sneaky one at that.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Aug-17 17:46:11

Don't hold fire. Ffs. They are married. Kick his arse tonight and demand a bloody explanation. That's no way to live encouraging her to keep secrets as well. He probably thought he was being jack the lad. Total twat.

thestamp Wed 23-Aug-17 17:53:57

Bluntness it's all fun and games until it turns out OP's husband owns a company, or has access to accounts where he can stash family money etc. Especially if OP is a SAHM.

Dry powder until documents are collected /solicitor is seen can mean many thousands of pounds difference in the final outcome of a divorce.

Go carefully OP, he's already throwing around the D word as if it's no big deal, and if he's in property as well as tight with the boss, that may give him access to many sly ways to conceal assets and income.

meltingmarshmallows Wed 23-Aug-17 17:56:25

I've worked with men who spoke like that and wondered how on Earth they had wives and families at home. It makes sense he puts on a different mode for you. But you're not overreacting, that's horrible!

AddToBasket Wed 23-Aug-17 17:57:15

Do not confront!! Information gather. Do not blow your cover!

Fearsfortears Wed 23-Aug-17 17:57:53

Thanks for support. I'm furious but don't want it all to come out in an explosion and can't see what could make me feel better after he comes across as such a wanker!!

I have a decent career but am financially dependent on DH until next spring when due to return to work.

Mortgage on our house is in his name but I have my own savings from sale of my house (if I needed to leave, I could)

I've taken screenshots of his phone

I don't want to continue down road of secrets and snooping at all as that is not how I want to live my life- but think I need a couple of weeks as least to think it all through.

I think the stuff about divorce was 'banter' (i.e. There was a wink and exclamations) but that makes it no better in my book. I've been completely open with him about all money etc because why wouldn't I?

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Aug-17 18:00:32

I think it's banter too. Hence why I'd deal with it fast.

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