Am I being unreasonable

[Kaykj84]

I've been with my partner 3 years. We normally plan a weekend away but on our anniversary weekend he decides he wants wants to climb a mountain. And I'm coming too. So I get in on that, next thing is his best mate is coming who us single and now he calls up asking if his old uni mate can come.

So I'm encouraged to a beautiful scenic mountain trek on our weekend now with two other guys one of which I don't know. Am I being unreasonable here ? Because I'm not happy and the pressure is being thrown at me whatever I say

[Mrscropley]

Tell him to have a lads week end away - after he has booked somewhere of your choice that's even more expensive for another week end.
He will think twice when he sees the bill for messing with you!!

[ImperialBlether]

Do you actually want to climb that mountain? If not, tell them to organise their trip for a different weekend - yours is booked.

[Kaykj84]

Not really bothered either way imperialblether , I'm happy to climb as I've been fed the romantic picture of us hand in hand taking pictures in scenic views. But with the other guys in tow , I don't want too. Let alone the six hour drive, 8 hour trek and then sharing accommodation for the weekend with them. It just burst any romantic bubble :(

[Shoxfordian]

Let him go on his own and go to a nice spa or something with your girls. Arrange another night to go somewhere suitably lovely for your anniversary

[SeaCabbage]

Leave them to it and go away with him another weekend.

[TheNaze73]

Go somewhere with your friends. Be good for you both

[maras2]

Sound shit.
Wave him and his mates off(after he's arranged something nice for the following weekend)then do what ever you want to either alone or with whoever you want to.
Tell fuckwit to make sure there's no repeat of this crap anniversary ever again,then let it go.

[missmollyhadadolly]

Tell him you don't want to spend your anniversary with two other men. See what his reaction is.

[caffeinestream]

Has he remembered it's your anniversary?

I would tell him he has two choices. Either he rearranges your anniversary weekend and plans something extra special to make up for the delay, or he tells his friends that their weekend will have to wait as it's your anniversary.

I wouldn't be impressed either. I like DP's mates but I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with them!

[HeddaGarbled]

What's it the anniversary of? I'm assuming that you aren't married? Perhaps he doesn't see the weekend as a special weekend. I do think that sometimes women are more invested in these "romantic" milestone dates than men are. Different if it's a wedding anniversary, I think.

I'm with missmolly Tell him that's not your idea of celebrating your anniversary and see what reaction you get. I think that will tell you everything you need to know about whether he considers it to be a significant date.

[DianaT1969]

How are things otherwise in your relationship? Any reason he hasn't planned for a romantic weekend this time? Is it possible he just get carried away with the mountain climbing idea and won't appreciate you dropping out of what he thinks is a fun weekend? Go, enjoy and plan a romantic weekend another time maybe?

[Primrose06]

Depends what anniversary it is and how you always celebrate.
If you normally do a romantic something tell him in case he has forgotten.
If he can't change perhaps you can do something special on another date .
If you don't go you could Skype and let him see what he is missing if u get my drift 😏

[Kaykj84]

Yeah he normally goes all out for it, last year he flew over to disney to get a art work I saw in Disney village back in May. He brought it back all framed, it cost just over a grand. He gets so excited for our 'anniversary' ( not married, our first official date ) . But this year he had changed :( , relationship wise.... It's a tricky one. Really I would say soul mates, best friends but not intimate anymore but enjoy eachother company, support one another and always out having fun

[HeddaGarbled]

Uh oh! Setting it up to avoid a romantic occasion, do you think?

[Ellisandra]

Why didn't he just have it posted? I wouldn't have been impressed by such a stupid waste of money flying over to get it

He sounds all show.

Soul mate + best friends + no intimacy after 3 years means the relationship is over. I'm sorry to be so blunt

I wouldn't make a big deal of an anniversary like that... but OK, he did the last 2 years. But an occasional that's traditionally seen as romantic with an expectation of sex? And he invites his mates and you're no longer intimate? I'd say he's making sure to avoid too much opportunity for the expected intimacy.

Time for some serious thinking OP

[SonicBoomBoom]

Ah, so the relationship is dying a death, you're trying to cling on to it and he's trying to avoid spending time alone with you.

Maybe it's time to take control of your life, rather than passively watch it happen around you?

[Ellisandra]

Ah, I thought I recognised the username. The man who doesn't have sex or kiss you.
Is a £1000 art work really worth that compromise?

He's most definitely setting up this anniversary to avoid intimacy

[Kaykj84]

I wouldn't say he avoids intimacy , we sleep in the same bed. We are very affectionate in cuddles but yes he can't kiss or have sex. He is autistic I know he has struggles. And he has been honest and said he knows he isn't 'normal'. I don't think it's a question of avoiding intimacy. I think it's just him being him and not thinking in the same way we do.
With the gift costing a grand, it's not a gift to bribe me or compromise. We have very good jobs, he earns thousands a day so we do treat one another

[Ellisandra]

You said you are "not intimate anymore" in your post above.
So - one of both of you is avoiding it, no?

He can kiss and he can have sex. He did early in your relationship - he chooses not to now, albeit the "choice" may be driven by his autism.

He really gets to call the shots, doesn't he? Do you want to expand on your comment that pressure is being thrown at you?

In my opinion, an anniversary isn't a big deal and especially if you're not married. But - you have both clearly made it a big deal before - OK, that's your thing.

If he wants a weekend with friends, I don't see any reason why it CAN'T be your anniversary weekend. I think it'd be childish to stamp your feet over that.

But it's perfectly acceptable to say - great, I'm looking forward to that - but I'd like us to do something romantic as a couple too. How about we do x on y date?

It's also perfectly reasonable to tell him that this made you feel - whatever you felt. It's childish to insist on a set date, it's not childish to talk about your feelings.

He can't/won't give you what most would consider to be a normal relationship. Just make sure that doesn't mean he doesn't get to call the shots on everything! Don't make autism an excuse for him not being romantic on your anniversary. Even if he doesn't feel that social norm, he knows full well that it exists, as evidenced by your previous years.

Remember that just because someone has autism, doesn't mean they're not also in the wrong!

[Ellisandra]

Sorry, I know I sound really negative about him, and that's influenced by previous thread.

I think it's a worry that you were driven to post here wondering if you were being unreasonable.

In a healthy relationship (autism a factor or not) you'd just be able to say "hey! That's our anniversary... I want romance not a hike with your mates - shall we do the weekend after instead?"

So it seems like either something is wrong that you haven't said that, or something is wrong that you've had a back reaction from him if you did.