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The first big problem in 5 years(14 Posts)
NC for all this but I've been on these boards a millennia or so
DFiance and I have been together 5 years next month. We've been through a few tough times (he was close with his exes and I had low self esteem, turned out his ex was a bitch who was trying to screw me over, we went NC with her, I have anxiety which causes me to have panic attacks in social situations which means his friends think I'm a bit crazy...) But genuinely it's been the best 5 years of my life and until last weekend I couldn't wait to marry him. I really can't imagine anything more amazing than getting to spend the rest of my life with him.
Last week I had to have a pretty serious gynae op that went wrong and involved me having a bit of a breakdown due to the insane amount of anaesthesia they had to give me and the feeling of intrusion when it went wrong. He was really supportive and moved meetings to be there with me (he didn't cancel his tickets to the cricket on the Friday which meant I was on my own for 48 hours in pain and sobbing, but I told him to go so I can't be angry about that.)
On Saturday it was our good friend's birthday and I had been crying on and off for 3 days and having a lot of vaginal bleeding. It was a picnic and I was really worried about going (I had a bit of a hysterical crying session an hour before) not least because of toileting and the fact I hadn't been outside yet, but I went.
At this picnic a casual joke was made about the stripper that had been at one of the guy's stag dos a few weeks back.
I had asked him about that stag do. He knows my feelings on strippers/sex work (briefly, I think it's sexist and exploitative, I don't believe in 'banning' grown men from doing anything but I couldn't respect a man who bought women). We have clashed on this in the past but I've accepted its more a political issue or ethical difference for us.
But he lied. I asked him last month whether there would be a stripper there and after whether there had been and he lied to my face. As far as I'm aware it's the first time he's done that and the trust is really broken for me.
Add to this that, due to the op, I can't have sex, baths, swim or use a tampon for a month. I'm a fat, bleeding, emotional mess. I'd psyched myself up to socialise on Saturday and all that happened was I found out that my 'oh he'd never do that' man was just the same as the bloody rest of them.
Since then I've had a really bad few days. I want him to comfort me and look after me post op but every time he gets close to me I remember that he lied about one of the things that's a line for me. He tries to hug my fat bleeding body and all I can think of is how he was willing to pay a woman to take her clothes off and lie to me about it. I can't have sex with him and they took 2cm of cervix off me in the op last week. I will never be as sexy as that stripper, and now he's just tied himself to a broken, sick woman who can't give him what he plainly wants.
He says he doesn't know why he didn't walk out, that it wasn't erotic, that he does respect women and he'll never lie to me again.
I reply - because you're weak, if it's not erotic then that's even more squalid, you don't respect women if you only respect women who aren't strippers (othering etc) and how the fuck can I know?!
I'm really vulnerable right now. I've had a botched operation on my reproductive parts at the age of 28 and I've been thrown into a low because of that. Plus now I have to deal with this lie.
Does anyone know how I can get past it? I want to trust him and love him and marry him. He's trying to be here for me right now. But I'm spending half my time trying to cling to him and half my time blocking him out because I'm hurt.
I'm in the worst depression of my life and I can't see the wood for the trees.
Oh - and he keeps telling me to text or call him when I'm low so he can be here for me. But when I text him he doesn't reply. I know he's at work but why tell me to reach out if he won't be there?
I think the last line of your first post; "I'm in the worst depression on my life and I can't see the wood for the trees" is the biggest clue to this entire situation.
Your description and reaction to your gynae procedure and healing seem disproportinate. Your over dependance and simultaneous repulsion towards your partner. Your lack of self confidence and poor self image. Constant crying, reluctance to go outside... All indicatative of bigger issues than your boyfriend being at a stag party where there was a stripper.
Time for a trip to the GP to seek proper help, OP. Good luck.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low and ill. But this is a total over-reaction.
Of course he lied. There are always strippers on stag nights, it's a long-cherished tradition, along with the groom getting a "final" . He knows your feelings towards adult entertainment, so what would be the point of him telling you? So he could enjoy another argument?
Of course he lied. There are always strippers on stag nights, it's a long-cherished tradition, along with the groom getting a "final"
Bollocks. There are not always strippers on stage nights, nor grooms getting a 'final'. MN parallel universe time again.
Agree with reborn. This reaction is completely OTT and you are clearly suffering mentally in a way that is not normal. I think you should speak with your GP and/or whoever performed the surgery. It is not unusual to have a mental health issue as a result of physical health issues and I think you need to deal with this issue at the same time as you try to deal with the physical health issue. The issues you are having with your self confidence and body image are clearly severe and you should try to find a way to deal with those.
In terms of the lying and the stag do. I have no answer for that. Mostly I agree with you. But, in my experience, men see it differently. My DH isn't a fan of strippers etc and certainly refused any such thing at his stag do, but he accepts that other men feel differently. If I felt very very strongly, would be lie to me if he went on one and there was a stripper? I don't know.
However, if I'm understanding correctly, it wasn't his stag do? In which case, I do think you have to take a step back.
It's the lie isn't it and the fact that even though you told him to go to the cricket you probably hoped he'd decide not to, he's not very supportive of you just now and I think you are feeling very abandoned and understandably so.
Sorry but I would be livid if my partner went to a stripper and then lied about it too, I doubt it would be a deal breaker tho but it's not what you need on top of your op.
I don't think this is the right time for you to decide anything.
The lie wasn't great, but you do need to give your head a wobble a little bit. He was at a stag do, a stripper was there - presumably whether he wanted her there or not - and he lied about it, presumably because he was worried how you'd react. That's it. It's not a reflection on you, your body, your worth as a partner, your worth in his eyes, your sexuality, etc. etc., any of that.
The fact that you're prone to panic attacks around his friends / in social situations, his friends (presumably the ones who were at the stag do?) already think you're strange, and you're generally fragile emotionally, doesn't really bode well for an open honest relationship, sorry.
When you're in a relationship with someone delicate and anxious, it's really difficult to be brave about telling the truth, and on the other side, as an anxious person yourself, you are extremely unlikely to ever be able to have a relationship with someone who doesn't at least try to shield you from stuff that might upset you. Is it healthy that he'd do that? Probably not. Is it understandable? I would say yes.
Take a breath, unclench and just get through your healing before you go completely off the deep end about something that will seem much more manageable when you are feeling better.
I had a big gynae op a few years ago. There were unforeseen complications and I ended up having a LOT of anaesthetic and post-op morphine. No-one told me in advance that the anaesthetic and the morphine are depressants: I was an emotional wreck for about a month afterwards - crying, anxious, feeling panicky and vulnerable.
I agree with those suggesting you see your GP, but bear in mind it might be the after-effects of the drugs. Your GP should have received a copy of your operation notes anyway, so can discuss how you're feeling now in relation to the op. Hope you feel better soon
One bit of your post stood out to me
'I really can't imagine anything more amazing than getting to spend the rest of my life with him.'
I'm not sure that's a really healthy approach to marriage. No one - no one - is perfect, you by your own admission have faults. Can you really not think of anything more amazing? Not even the part where you work on your mental health and self esteem to the point where you're happy in yourself and calm in your life? You won't find it in children's fairy tales but it's a better chance of a happy ending that just marrying this guy and expecting him to be infallible and never lie and always do what you want emotionally and all the rest.
' I will never be as sexy as that stripper, and now he's just tied himself to a broken, sick woman who can't give him what he plainly wants.'
That's a damaging narrative to build around what sounds like a decent relationship.
You need to see your GP ASAP. It's true the anaesthetic and drugs can make you weepy and emotional but this is a bit out of hand. You are the person her chooses to be with, not a stripper in a seedy club.
Unfortunately strippers ARE a very, very common occurance for stag nights and whilst most women are fairly annoyed by this it's absolutely no indication that the men prefer these girls to their loved partners. They KNOW it's a sham and seedy and unsexy but are drunk, keeping up with the lads and go along with it. And that's why men lie, to avoid a post mortem of a pretty sordid episode in which nobody comes out covered in glory.
Get yourself well. He loves you and has your back. And stop describing yourself in such negative terms, I'm sure they are untrue and not how anyone else would describe you.
I had a botched endometrial resection a few months ago. Complications put me back in hospital on huge doses of antibiotics and painkillers. I still haven't got over it, especially as now need another operation to correct problem. Anyway mentally these kinds of operations drain the life right out of you, and make you emotional and stressed with the pain and hormones.
Your response to your boyfriend is a personal matter - what one person regards as unethical, another wouldn't mind. However, I would advise you to concentrate on getting better and less about recent events. You can decide what to do about your relationship when you are in a better place mentally and physically.
OP, you have had such a rough time. It's no surprise at all that you are feeling so awful. It sounds as though your self esteem is at an all time low and the stag do is bothering you because of this. Depression makes you think and feel all sorts of things and I agree with other posters, this isn't the time to make big decisions.
At the moment you need support to get back on your feet, don't push your DF away, it's only you that will suffer for it. The lie can be addressed at a later date.
A month is not the end of the world with not being able to have sex. Just now is a time for plenty of affection, rest and recovery. Get to the GP and see what they can do to help you. All of this is temporary, it will pass.
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