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Miscarried, then found out about husband's secret cocaine habit.

(27 Posts)
Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 12:55:26

Just that really.

I've googled for ages to find someone going through the same, but it seems my husband is a real unique kind of arsehole. (Am I allowed to use words like that here? First-timer, sorry for any offence!)

Anyway, we found out we were expecting as a huge shock at the end of June. The poor thing only survived for two more weeks from this point. My stupid body didn't bother to tell me this, but a scan at 10 weeks confirmed it. Utterly heartbreaking.

A week after this, I had my D&C, and two days after that, discovered my husband's 18 month (min) cocaine habit. Turns out, this isn't great for fetal development. Shocker.

I know I can't be certain, but on top of the grief and betrayal, I now blame my husband for the miscarriage. We were not trying, so he couldn't have known, but still, I believe his cocaine use was the reason the fetus couldn't develop.

And the purpose of this thread? I'm not really sure. I hoped to find some other poor sod who had been through similar, but that seems unlikely. I guess this is just a space to anonymously vent. I'm so utterly ashamed of him, I don't really want to speak to 'real' humans.

XJerseyGirlX Wed 23-Aug-17 12:59:58

There are so many reasons people miscarry OP. The percentage of early miscarriages are so high. The issue of your husbands cocaine addiction needs to be separated from your grief over the baby.

Allow yourself time to recover mentally aswell as physically before you make any decisions about your marriage.

Im sorry about your loss x

MeltorPeltor Wed 23-Aug-17 13:00:51

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've not been in your situation but when life hands you shit I like to come up with a plan.

So firstly, your husband. How do you feel about him? Can you come back from this? If he was clean would you try again? Does he need help? Do you want to be with him?

Have you got somewhere away from him for some space and time out?

Big hugs, it's sounds so shit for you right now.

ShatnersWig Wed 23-Aug-17 13:00:55

Was about to post more or less what Jersey did word for word.

Offred Wed 23-Aug-17 13:02:31

I'm sorry, that's awful.

It's ok to be really angry with him you know.

No-one will be able to give you a firm answer either way about whether his cocaine use contributed to your miscarriage so you are free to decide to feel however you do feel about it.

What's the situation with your marriage now? Have you had any space from him to deal with all of this?

AdalindSchade Wed 23-Aug-17 13:03:13

Oh you poor love
There are two separate issues here. Firstly, you had a terribly sad and horrible loss. I lost a pregnancy and my ex was a smoker, I also got ill just before miscarrying with a virus I could have been immunised against as a child. I went through blaming both my ex and my parents at different points but then decided that as 1/4 pregnancies end for no particular reason, this was not a helpful train of thought. You need to accept this was a random tragic event as blame won't make you feel better.

Secondly your husband has a drug problem that he has hidden from you. This is a serious breach of trust.

OurMiracle1106 Wed 23-Aug-17 13:05:35

I suffered 2 missed miscarriages. My ex husband was also a cocaine user. we did go on to have a healthy son however whilst being pregnant I grew to realise he was addicted to the substance. I tried to get him help but you can't make someone want to stop unless they want to.

What I'm trying to say is it may or may not have been that. I remember the shock and the numb feeling when I was told my baby had stopped growing 6 weeks before my scan, but the reality is that we will never know how or why. If you wish to make your relationship work you are going to need to find a way to make peace with it- as you said you weren't trying it was deliberate that he did this, much the same as if you'd been rock climbing or drinking without knowing you were expecting. However you do need to discuss the cocaine. The major issue I feel with cocaine is that it's seen as a "party drug" and less dangerous than heroin but it's not. They are deemed in the same class for a reason.

My thoughts are with you. If you need to talk feel free to PM me flowerscake

ChevalierTialys Wed 23-Aug-17 13:37:15

So sorry for your loss OP flowers

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Aug-17 13:44:08

It might be good to share this burden with someone in real life.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Many women miscarry - especially the 1st pregnancy.
I did with no real reasoning at all.
It happens. To many many women.
It's crap and it's something you may need help to overcome.

As for the drugs. Well this is now your decision.
What is he saying about it all?
Does he want to stop?
Do you still want to be with him?

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 13:53:39

Wow! You lot are fantastic. Thank you. Where has mumsnet been all my life?

Well, it transpires that this hasn't just been an occupational hazard (he likes to blame things on his job, which is basically being paid to socialise) but all his friends, mostly mutual friends, knew about it too.

I'm very anti-drugs; always have been, but I know many of our friends have dabbled before, and always kept it well away from me. My attitude has always been they can do what they want, but not for me and not for my husband (particularly as we already have two children.)

So to move forward, it seems he'd have to change his job, his friends, and his personality (because he also blames this on there being something seriously wrong with him.) It all just seems a bit out-of-reach.

I've told him to accept this is who he is, and who he enjoys being, so just go with it. But I can't be married to him.

He has been given chance after chance fatter various other problems, we were even in marriage counselling up until this week, but honestly, what sort of marriage would we have left when all trust has gone, and the respect I thought he had for me never existed.

It would be useful to know whether others have attempted to overcome such catastrophe, and whether this has led to a stronger marriage or not.

Thank you again for your kind replies x

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 13:55:51

...oh, and he says he wants to go to a residential rehab. For me, this sounds like him trying to hand responsibility to other so he doesn't have to accept it himself.

Maybe I'm overreacting, after all 'everyone does cocaine' allegedly. It's just he knows how strongly I have always felt.

ShatnersWig Wed 23-Aug-17 14:02:36

Sorry - what you've just told us in your update. Has this just happened in the last half hour since you first posted??

Cambionome Wed 23-Aug-17 14:02:50

You are not overreacting and he sounds like a total waste of space.

flowers

Adora10 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:03:05

Everyone does cocaine, eh don't think so, esp when it's the most expensive drug out there.

I agree with you OP, I couldn't be with someone who continued to do this, he's blaming everyone but it's his choice to snort that crap up his nose, he's also been spending family money, it's a very expensive and dangerous habit, why you should u collude with him any longer, he obviously cares more about his own satisfaction that that of his own wife and family, get rid of him is my advice and I am really sorry for your loss.

Offred Wed 23-Aug-17 14:05:47

I think it is over TBH.

Your logic is good, giving it another try would be an emotional decision and I suspect one that you would not really be able to follow through on as the respect and love has gone and too much has happened.

TheWorldIsMyCakePop Wed 23-Aug-17 14:26:54

That sounds like an awful few months for you. A betrayal by the person you needed most, but lots of people do miscarry. I had one between my 1st and 2nd and it was awful, but the grief does fade (of course I had a loving supportive DH)

With regards to the drug abuse, I'd say to take your time about leaving, but leave. It won't end well.

Thinking of you in this difficult time.

Chocolatepudding85 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:38:23

Op that's so sad, I'm so sorry for you. As other pps have said, you may never know why you lost your baby. Blaming your husband won't actually make you feel any better. Just worse, if anything.

I have also miscarried and I know how heartbreaking it is. And I know how desperately I wanted to know why - to stop it happening the next time. Sadly we don't always get those answers flowers

Your husband's addiction is separate to this. And, as someone who has dealt with an addicted family member, I think this video might help you see addiction in another way? You say you feel ashamed of him, this may help you see that he really just needs help: m.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:41:44

Thank you.

I suppose, a couple of points, so the timeline: I had first scan on wed 9th Aug, second last weds, D&C on thurs. Went to a festival on Saturday (attempting to distract myself, minus children) and he took it there. And I caught him.

He admitted to taking it regularly as part of his job on Monday evening, then I asked him an hour ago whether his friends knew. That's how I just found out. Assuming he's being fully honest. Who knows.

I've thought about the money thing; family money, as you say. For me though, the worst thing was taking it on Saturday, two days after my op. Luckily I wasn't stupid and didn't drink a lot, but how would he have coped if I did, or collapsed or just had a bit of a meltdown.

He doesn't do these things to deliberately hurt me, but equally, I don't think he's gives any thought to my feelings in the first place. Perhaps because he's wired selfishly, perhaps he is addicted, or maybe a bit of both.

SpunBodgeSquarepants Wed 23-Aug-17 14:44:51

Hmm, I don't know. My ex has been using cocaine since 2005. His ex miscarried twice between 2011-2012. We conceived DS in 2013. I miscarried earlier this year also. Could be bad luck, could be his cocaine use.

Chocolatepudding85 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:54:15

When you say minus kids - do you have other DC, Dotty?

Chocolatepudding85 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:55:37

Oh gosh sorry I realised I lost a chunk of the thread. I think i had it open before a lot of responses happened! I can see that you do!

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 14:59:43

2 really cool ones! You'd think they'd be enough to stop you shovelling rat poison or whatever else cocaine is cut with up you nose, wouldn't you.

That video is very interesting. I think it would really resonate with him. Underneath all the showman crap, he really is disconnected with few friends, and not really a very happy person. We have been together a very, very long time and I thought I was helping to make him happy, but that has made me see things differently; there's really nothing I can do, it has to come from him.

pudding21 Wed 23-Aug-17 15:00:34

Sorry for your loss, I have been through a miscarriage and honestly on top of your emotions of the loss, your hormones go haywire for a while.

Regarding the cocaine use, please don't focus on that as a cause of the loss, it will drive you insane and cause you to hate your husband and you will be resentful. The drug use and how you deal with it is a separate issue.

How is the relationship usually?
How often is he using? Are we talking once a month on a weekend or every day?

I will tell you one thing having been around cocaine users in the past. If the wife/ girlfriend/ boyfriend etc has an issue with it, on the whole the person just hides it and canes it with his friends. He might need some help to address why he is using it. People like cocaine because it can make you very sociable and last a night out. If it is his job to socialise, perhaps he needs to look at his career. Does he have anxiety? Does he find his job hard?

Apart from the rehab comment, do you think he wants to stop, or does he see no issue and is telling you what you want to hear?

OurMiracle1106 Wed 23-Aug-17 15:32:46

It would appear he is blaming everything but himself. We moved over 2 hours away and my ex still continued using. It's not the job or people it's a decision that he is making. And no not everyone takes drugs.

If there's no trust and no chance of rebuilding it then there really isn't enough left. You will never be truly happy.

Dotty85 Wed 23-Aug-17 16:47:47

He has admitted to using it every couple of weeks. I suspect this is probably more like every week when he is away with work, but I don't know.

We have been through some serious crap over the last year, so the relationship has been pretty poor (all hidden from the children, I believe.)

So I think the plan is that he will need to go and rent somewhere for maybe six months. I can't see a way forward right now, but perhaps if he gets professional help, and actually wants to change in that time, he will. Maybe.

The scary part is, I will have to learn to be a single mum. With a drastically reduced household income and two small people to keep alive. I think I'll scrape by. Just.

Your replies and support have encouraged me to actually get out of bed and shower, which this morning, seemed an impossibility. So thank you again x

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