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It was all going so well until he said he voted Leave.

(332 Posts)
Locotion Wed 23-Aug-17 09:22:45

I am sure conflicting politics is a common problem. Shudder. For someone to vote for such a destructive step as flippantly as he said: "just to see what happens" concerns me somewhat.

Aside from that he is very nice. How does one decide whether to take things forward? I guess time will tell? But then.... isnt it more difficult to extract yourself when you are more physically and emotionally entangled.

Oh dear, I don't know what to do. Only had relationship with ex (long term marriage ) & flings. Not sure how things work.

I do like him. But... he voted Leave. And doesnt read. And has lived in thr same place with his family all 4 decades of his live. I read (or did before kids!) & have travelled a bit..... are we compatible?

Oh dear - I sound like I am looking down on his experiences but I guess they are just different ...


pog100 Wed 23-Aug-17 09:27:53

to be honest that all sounds too incompatible ... you aren't looking down, but you are different!

changingShorts Wed 23-Aug-17 09:30:45

Have to admit voting Leave would be a deal breaker for me (as would voting UKIP or other far-right party). I would be OK with any other political differences.

DH didn't speak to his mother for about a month after the referendum when she revealed she voted Leave.

livefornaps Wed 23-Aug-17 09:31:40

How did you meet? Did you know each other before dating?

Only you can tell. Usually I don't care about life experiences being different so much ("I travelled" "so did I!" Great. "I read this book" "me too!" Great...and?!!) but it depends on the knock on effects on the person. These knock on effects can be pleasingly different eg. someone who didn't move will know a place & people inside out and may be very loyal and willing to work out problems instead of running away....or they may not be able to see past the end of their nose (cough and vote leave coughcough)

HOWEVER even if you are superficially similar, sometimes that can be a bit of a red herring. Like the card-carrying feminists who are just looking for a congratulatory slap on the back....before shagging All the Feminists, while lamenting their "privelige". Other times, someone can smilingly express a view so abhorrent that it feels as if your stomach has just fallen through your shoes (even if the date was going well 'til then)

Only you can know.

LellyMcKelly Wed 23-Aug-17 09:32:08

To be honest, it would put me right off too. It would be like having the smell of BO under your nose all the time.

AvoidingCallenetics Wed 23-Aug-17 09:39:08

I think that's really awful Shorts. Presumably his mum has loved and looked after him all his life and he treats her like that because she exercised her democratic right to a different political opinion.

OP, sorry but I think you are looking down on him a bit. Not everyone is a reader, my ds isn't, my best friend isn't - it doesn't mean they are lacking something. Both are wonderful, warm, intelligent people.
Also nothing wrong with wanting to live close to the people he loves. Or voting Brexit, although I do agree it was a daft reason - no one should vote for anything without believing it to be for the best.
I think you might give up something potentially lovely, for daft reasons, whoch would be a shame.

AntiHop Wed 23-Aug-17 09:39:45

For me, shared political views is a very important part of compatibility.

livefornaps Wed 23-Aug-17 09:42:11

Although "just to see what happens" is crap. So many people are having their lives turned upside down because of this slapdash, feeble, thinking.

Joysmum Wed 23-Aug-17 09:42:16

All I can say is that a Leave voter, I got fed up of being told I was racist and stupid that often I would engage with my reasons either and preferred not to engage.

There are done perfectly sensible reasons for wanting to leave and I could throttle the Leave campaigners and those who shout loudest as Leave supporters for persuading Remainers who don't want to hear anything else that we are all stupid and racist.

So ultimately I'd say if it's important to you, talk to him about his beliefs and see if he is stupid and racist (or whatever else it is where your boundaries lie).

Dh and I are on opposite sides of the fence in that I'm socialist and he's capitalist and had a more privileged upbringing. It works because my altruistic side more than compensates for his lack of engagement with society and he respects that in me and his capitalist bent allows me the financial freedom to do what I do. So being opposites doesn't have to mean the end if there is mutual respect.

PaintingByNumbers Wed 23-Aug-17 09:42:18

This depends on you really. It would be a 'straight out the door' moment for me, unless it was a 'no talking, just shag and leave' hook up

mogulfield Wed 23-Aug-17 09:43:01

If he had legitimate reasons that were carefully considered then I'd consider someone with different views.
If he just did it because 'immigrants' and to 'see what would happen' then no.
I had a friend who voted leave because of the tariffs the EU places on Africa is holding Africa back. He works in a government intelligence job and feels the free movement of people is unsafe. He also had a Indian girlfriend who was a doctor and it was almost impossible for her to come here but unqualified EU citizens could just wander in.
So he had specific considerations.
Didn't mean I had to agree with him but he had researched his stuff.

Tw1nsetAndPearls Wed 23-Aug-17 09:43:44

Living with somebody who voted leave might cause the odd row but it wouldn't make me leave somebody that I loved. However having a different moral compass or outlook on life would cause me problems. My husband has some different views about some big issues than me and it causes the odd heated debate but because our general values are the same it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Some people don't travel because they don't get the opportunity, might this be the cause of his lack of travel? This could be overcome.

My husband doesn't read and I am a big reader and so I talk about books with friends. You don't need one person to fulfil all of your needs.

I do pick up from your post a disdain and a lack of respect for your partner, that is more of an issue.

GetOutOfMYGarden Wed 23-Aug-17 09:44:17

Is him voting Leave something you can get past, or not? I disagree with my DP on multiple political points, but the ones that really form the basis of our values we agree on.

Tw1nsetAndPearls Wed 23-Aug-17 09:45:42

I have to admit that I had a mischievous moment in my head when I thought - vote leave to see what happens- I didn't but it was a bit like that moment when you think about touching wet paint or you go into a china shop you and you think about knocking everything on the floor.

AvoidingCallenetics Wed 23-Aug-17 09:45:52

But people's views can change though. Very few people agree entirely with all the policies of one party or another. I think most people just vote for their best fit. Maybe it's more important to find someone whose views are not entrenched, who is willing to be flexible, to change their views if a situation changes.
I don't know if this man is like that, only you can judge that OP.

PaganGoddessBrigid Wed 23-Aug-17 09:46:25

Well I dated a man who was my CLONE and it was so boring. After we split up I hid him on fb for a while but when I unhid him (because, well, he used to post articles that interested me and jokes that made me laugh) I realised we'd actually posted some of the same stuff. Sounds brilliant but being with him was dull. There was no ying to the yang. No wondering what he thought of x,y or z. He did have other annoying habits but having that ''oh me tooooo!'' check list well and truly ticked off is not a recipe for success.

SuperBeagle Wed 23-Aug-17 09:46:32

It's quite clear from your post that you consider yourself above him in more senses than just political.

FromaMansPerspective Wed 23-Aug-17 09:46:51

You 'like him' and he's 'very nice' but you'd dump him over his views on a once in a lifetime event with ramifications that no one can possibly know yet? Wow. Whilst I agree that similar political views are important in a relationship let's be honest, few if any of us as individuals can ever make much of a difference anyway and so it seems a very trivial reason to give someone the elbow.

PaintingByNumbers Wed 23-Aug-17 09:48:32

Its not trivial, its just shorthand

Tw1nsetAndPearls Wed 23-Aug-17 09:48:58

But people's views can change though

This is true, my husband has no real interest in politics when I met him and we disagreed and rowed about a few big issues. I live and breathe politics and because he loved me and wanted to know why it interested me so much he started coming along to events. He has over time changed his mind on some of the things we use to have huge disagreements about.

shivermytimbers Wed 23-Aug-17 09:49:57

I think it depends on their outlook on life and whether it's compatible with yours.
DH and I have voted differently on a few occasions but fundamentally we both think the same things are important but have different views on the best way to get those things done politically.
It has caused some heated discussions at times though!

AudacityJones Wed 23-Aug-17 09:53:08

Until the most recent election DH and I always voted for different parties - but our "values" were fairly similar. It's just that our approach to how best to solve these issues were marginally different.

I'm sure there are good people who voted leave for sensible reasons. But it is also a useful proxy to see whether you have enough in common to make a go of it.

I feel like having never left his hometown and not reading would be bigger sources of incompatibility for me. If you're already feeling like you don't have that much in common what's the point in wasting your (and his) time?

GetOutOfMYGarden Wed 23-Aug-17 09:53:24

You 'like him' and he's 'very nice' but you'd dump him over his views on a once in a lifetime event with ramifications that no one can possibly know yet? Wow.

To be fair, I can see where she's coming from. There's different tribes of leave voters, just as there's different tribes of remain voters.

"I think immigration is something that really needs considering, I don't feel like our current system is sustainable as the EU freedom of movement is mainly unidirection" Okay, I agree, but I think we'd have been better reforming this either inside and using the handbrake and regulations we chose not to, unlike other western European countries. Can deal with this.

"Get all the darkies out, they're taking our jobs, white power" Nah you're out on the pavement mate

CancellyMcChequeface Wed 23-Aug-17 09:54:53

Yes, I'd suggest you break up because he deserves a partner who doesn't look down on his lifestyle and views. It's fine to have differences of opinion (even strong political differences) as long as you can be respectful of each other's position. It doesn't seem as if you are.

DividedKingdom Wed 23-Aug-17 09:56:13

But... he voted Leave. And doesnt read. And has lived in thr same place with his family all 4 decades of his live

You know that's all interlinked, right?

For someone to vote for such a destructive step as flippantly as he said: "just to see what happens"

People who have such disrespect for their country and residents (and citizens currently living abroad), and the Irish border issue....make my stomach churn.

I'd leave him immediately just to see what happens grin

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