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Im too weak, I keep falling for him

(25 Posts)
booame321 Wed 23-Aug-17 00:18:57

After lurking on this site for a few weeks now I've decided to display my topic. I have 2 DC, one DD (7) and the other DS (4), both of those children are my ex's. He comes around the house like once or twice a week to see them and I always end up letting him stay, we watch the telly and drink some alcohol and then I end up sleeping with him (this always ends up happening now) and then I regret it straight after.

If you're wondering why were not together, last year while he was with me we had an argument and werent talking for a month and in that month he slept with another girl, got her pregnant and didnt tell me until last month angry and my DC have a little baby half sister, which I havent told them about and dont plan to. But he said hes not seeing her anymore (which I dont believe) and doesnt even want to see his child ever again (hes living by himself in a flat) and wants me again.

What would you do in this situation, should I just get back with him as I keep falling for him and the kids still love him or should I try and be more strict with myself and make him leave as I dont really trust him anymore. sad

Ellisandra Wed 23-Aug-17 00:21:56

Yeah, I'd pull out all the stops to get back together with a man who would happily abandon one of his children.

You need to find a counsellor to work out why your bar is set so very very low sad

HerOtherHalf Wed 23-Aug-17 00:25:47

Start by not letting him in the house. If he wants to see the kids he can take them somewhere. Why on earth would you want to get back with him? He's either two-timing you with the OW or he is capable of just writing his child out of history because it suits him. Either way, he's a selfish POS and you should set much higher expectations for yourself.

SweetLuck Wed 23-Aug-17 00:28:36

Why is he having contact with your DC in your home? It's up to him to sort out contact in his own space. It kind of come across that you go for the easy route even if that's not what you really want?

HadronCollider Wed 23-Aug-17 00:49:33

I would have said give it another go, but he sounds like he would cheat in the future. Also him saying he doesn't want to see his child again is really low.

booame321 Wed 23-Aug-17 00:50:23

He does appear to be really sorry though but I do agree with you guys, I should just leave him. I have told him to take the DC out but hes really funny about that and says he has no money and makes more excuses so I just end up letting him come to my home as the DC would get really sad and start asking loads of questions.

booame321 Wed 23-Aug-17 00:52:06

HadronCollider , Thats what im thinking , I just dont believe that he would just not see his child againand is just using it to try and get with me and make me feel more important.

SweetLuck Wed 23-Aug-17 01:01:53

So... you're going to let him come into your home to see them until when? They're 18? They leave home? It's just not practical.

Shemozzle Wed 23-Aug-17 01:13:02

Have you only been separated for the last month? (And still sleeping with him in that time).

When I eventually kicked out my lazy, work shy, alcoholic, compulsive lying, mentally and physically abusing ex and father of my child, it took me a long while to realise just how bad he was. You aren't giving yourself the space to process what an arsehole he is. We can all read it and plainly see it, but you need to separate property to realise and gain your self respect.

If you manage this, you will only be sorry it took you so long.

My advice is be firm. Separate properly. Only text/call regarding the children, try not to be drawn into arguments, he can take the kids to the park on visits or you go out while he visits them (puts them to bed/bathes them etc to actually help and not just be fun dad) and if after 6 months to a year you still miss him then you can reassess. But do not be friends in the mean time.

PatriciaHolm Wed 23-Aug-17 01:20:18

So he's getting all the benefits - you doing childcare, feeding him, sex - and can't even be arsed to take the kids for a walk? And he's abandoned his baby?

And you find any of this attractive?

HadronCollider Wed 23-Aug-17 01:28:49

Having said all that booame DH and I were like this. We broke up at one point for a few years when DCs were younger, then we did the whole coming round, sharing dinner together, watching tele, going on family trips and shagging. Like you I was on this merry-go-round of hating myself for being weak and yet just not really wanting to be free. So when, like your ex, he asked to come back, I agreed. And we've had some ups and downs but it has worked, and we are still together 14 years later.

BUT there was never another child involved, or a rival so to speak.

Plus DH really matured. And he answered every question I had about things he had done during that time apart, honestly and brutally. I'm not sure your ex is showing any signs of growth or maturity here, the comment about his daughter sounds immature if not cruel. And if you wanted to get back together she would have to factor in his life. And he'd have to have contact with this OW for life, and that could become a sore point. Plus a portion of all his future earnings would go towards child support. Do you want that baggage? Because I think for you to be a solid family, you'd have to be prepared to accept his daughter too. And that would include introducing her to your dcs, which you have not and don't plan to?

If that prospect is too difficult then you'd be best off starting afresh with someone else.

If you do however decide to give him another chance and get back together, take it very slowly. Very. Do not let him move back in until he's proved himself, and keep a small section of your heart away. Just in case, First sign of serious screwing up boot him.

Wish you all the best.

Happytobefree17 Wed 23-Aug-17 01:37:27

I really feel for you OP. It's horrible when you're in love with someone who doesn't like you back. Because you know he doesn't love you right? And you can keep putting yourself in the position of being his fuck buddy/easy shag or you can tell yourself you deserve more and never settle for less. flowers

mummwest Wed 23-Aug-17 01:47:31

No you shouldn't give him a chance. He has another baby that he has no intention of seeing, disgusting man!
You also don't trust him so what kind of relationship is that?

If you don't trust yourself to stay away then tell people that know you the truth of the situation, tell them about his other child and maybe you will stay away then.

Isetan Wed 23-Aug-17 08:01:35

Is there a reason he can't see his children at his flat, his parents etc. Seeing his kids in your home has become shorthand for a sure thing, where's your self respect and respect for your children that you would allow contact with their father to be linked to him getting his leg over.

You are not powerless here, you have choices and enabling him by listening to his bullshit, is a choice. It's time to let go of who you want him to be and accept who he is.

ShatnersWig Wed 23-Aug-17 08:13:15

You're being used for sex which you regret afterwards. Is that what you want?

You're not in love with him and he isn't in love with you. You don't keep falling for him. Stop telling yourself that because it's nonsense. It's just a convenient habit you've got into.

Stop being a convenient way for him to get his laid, only have dealings with him concerning anything to do with the children, do not sit drinking with him and most of all stop fucking him. I think you'll find if you do that, in a few months, you'll feel much better about yourself.

Desmondo2016 Wed 23-Aug-17 08:35:25

I dont understamd these posts where people are allegedly asking for advice when they already know what they have to do.

Just do it. Have some self respect ffs.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Aug-17 09:00:48

Google 'hysterical bonding'
You are currently doing the 'pick me dance'
Stop it.
Put some rules and boundries in place.
And of course you shouldn't take him back.
He has no money? How is that?
Does he work?
Does he pay you maintenance?
Do you do his washing?

He's seriously taking the piss.
You are being a total doormat.
Please try to see if you can get some counselling for yourself to understand why you are putting up with this treatment.

Adora10 Wed 23-Aug-17 10:48:07

FGS OP wise up, he's using you and treating you like absolute crap; comes and goes, stays over, gets a shag, you are left to do all the child care and be wondering what he's up to whilst away; he's having a ball OP, and you are enabling it, as has been said, are you just going to service him until he decides he's had enough of you and moves on to his next victim, have some self worth and stop dragging this on; the relationship is over, what you are doing is just providing him with sex and a convenient way to see his kids, he does fuck all but turn up.

BitchQueen90 Wed 23-Aug-17 11:25:39

He's abandoned his child? What a prince.

He needs to man up and take responsibility. I understand you want him to have a relationship with your DC but he's not a bloody child. Stop having him in your house for a start. I'm divorced and I don't have my exh in my house to see our DS. He has no money? Taking them to the park is free. He's got a flat, he can have them at his. No excuse.

booame321 Thu 24-Aug-17 23:05:08

But my DC want him here and go all funny when I say u can go to his flat (he takes them to the park and stuff sometimes but I always end up letting him stay when they come back as by DC always want to show him their room etc.)

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Aug-17 23:09:51

The kids will get used to it, have them ready to handover on the doorstep, then do the same when they get back - you need to take back control from this pillock

He couldn't really make it any plainer that he's using you for sex - and confusing the kids into the bargain - well done him. Don't fall for it for a minute longer

Emboo19 Thu 24-Aug-17 23:33:22

Listen to the Dua Lipa song: new rules.
This line sums it up.....

*And if you're under him
You ain't getting over him*

Tell him he can have the children xx days, give him pick up and drop off times and he leaves them at the door. If the kids ask him to come in, just say no daddy's got to go.
Of course if you want to give the relationship a go, that's up to you. But could you really ever trust him? What about when he's popping round to see his new baby? Because he's either a monumental shit who doesn't care about his own child or he'll be going off to visit his dd or even wanting her to come round and you can be one big happy family. If you can't live with that, don't take him back!

SweetLuck Fri 25-Aug-17 01:18:58

t I always end up letting him stay when they come back as by DC always want to show him their room etc

You're allowed to say no.

piper2252 Fri 25-Aug-17 23:35:12

Just get back together with him. You r shagging him, you seem like you still haeve some feelings for him but you've lost trust which you can change. Let him move back in for a week and if you still dont like him just get rid of him for good. But I think u should give him another chance and get back together like a family but tell him to keep in touch with his kid.

SandyY2K Sat 26-Aug-17 08:11:25

You need to get firm and have contact at his house, because you're separated. You need to have him come and pick up the DC and take them back to his place.

Then when he brings them back, he leaves.

You're using the DC getting upset as an excuse to continue this unhealthy pattern. Stop doing that and they will adjust in the way that other children from separated families do.

What was the agreement when you split up? That you could see other people?

It's not a situation I could handle, but I'm not sure it was exactly an affair scenario either. It's a shame smother life was created so thoughtlessly.

Do you believe you have the truth about this? That he only met her during the separation?

Anyway, to stop yourself feeling crap after sex with him, you have to change things.... Or decide if you can make it work and get a plan together to reconcile.

A lot of trust has gone, because you found out about the baby so late. He doesn't sound trustworthy TBH and she will always be in his life because of the baby.

If she met him genuinely thinking he was single, then it's not good that he's not involved with the child in any way, however, I do wonder about women who have a child with a man they hardly know. Craziness.

A million people will say it takes two... Off course it does, but I personally feel that the woman should be more responsible, because having a baby has the most impact on her and as is evident, a man can just swan off.

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