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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Follow up thread

(112 Posts)
CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 10:08:04

I recently had a thread in 'sex' that I asked to be removed as I feel I gave a lot of information on it.

I wanted to start this thread so it could be a little less outing and so people who had supported me weren't 'ghosted' grin

For people who didn't read the previous thread:
I was raped 5 weeks ago whilst on holiday and I've just got into uni (bit of a strange combo blush )

I'd like to thank everyone for the support they've given me! Sometimes, at 18, I feel like an adult and other times I just feel so out of my depth.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Aug-17 10:12:39

Are you getting proper real life support to deal with the rape?
I'm so sorry it happened to you.
But well done on uni.
It must all a bit overwhelming.
I've no good advice I'm afraid but well done for facing up to it and posting.

CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 10:20:08

This was all discussed on my previous thread (which still exists but will be deleted soon) and in summary:

- My friends aren't real friends
- I'm afraid of the reactions of my parents as they can be very strange about this sort of thing
- I think I'm going to ask for support from uni

Generally, I'm doing okay though smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Aug-17 10:30:02

Have you spoken to rape crisis?
They can offer you some wonderful support.

It's sad you can't go to your parents.
I'd hate if my DD couldn't come to me for support at such a time.

CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 10:33:18

Yes, I have spoken to rape crisis.

CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 15:08:09

Sorry, I was a little busy earlier so my reply was short.
I actually found the advice of mumsnet about as good as rape crisis, if not better.

mindutopia Tue 22-Aug-17 15:45:25

I can't recommend enough going and having a few sessions with a rape crisis counselor. You said you've spoken with them, but I wasn't sure what all that might have involved. I was raped many years ago and I went and had a session with a counselor and was about to just tell the story of what happened and talk about it. It helped tremendously. I'm not really a 'therapy' kind of person and it's the sort of thing I would generally dread and avoid, but it really did help.

Viewofhedges Tue 22-Aug-17 18:19:44

I work at a university. Student support is excellent (where I am) but you have to ask for it, so don't be afraid to. Please do go and see someone when you're there so that if you need them, you know where they are. Even if you are feeling strong now you might need them later on. You might also choose to tell your personal tutor to a certain extent if there is any course content that could be difficult for you because of your experience, but you absolutely don't have to - just another choice you have. Best of luck to you starting your course. I hope you enjoy it!

CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 18:42:36

Thanks, both of you.
I think I might contact the student support as I have a duty to ensure I am fit to 'practice' so it may be for the best.

I feel okay currently. It tended to come in waves previously but that may have been me projecting about results day too smile

CantRememberHoliday Tue 22-Aug-17 18:46:41

* Sorry, practise

CantRememberHoliday Wed 23-Aug-17 21:00:42

To anyone who read the previous thread, my friends are still being unhelpful and unsympathetic.

inlectorecumbit Wed 23-Aug-17 21:05:13

Oh sweetheart you are doing well
Get yourself off to Uni and let this be a new start. Time to make new friends as your current ones are pretty crap flowers

CantRememberHoliday Thu 24-Aug-17 00:35:13

They didn't invite me to an event this weekend and they've just sent me a text so say they'll miss me so much, gushing etc sad Well invite me next time?
My sister said they're just reminding me I'm not going and they're not being nice at all! Funny how they'll miss me when the tickets are sold out.

CantRememberHoliday Thu 24-Aug-17 03:59:48

My friends have text to say they love me confused I'm sorry but they don't love me. They've told me "Not to think about it" that "It's too late I can't get my virginity back" they've told me I wanted it, that I just called rape because I regretted it.

When I made my first post I didn't even call it rape. But they weren't there when I woke from being unconscious to having sex with me, they weren't there when I was anally and vaginally penetrated after saying no. They weren't there. They don't know what Happen but they're not the beliefs of someone who 'loves me'

CantRememberHoliday Thu 24-Aug-17 04:00:47

Sorry none of that makes much sense I'm just so tired. I'm usually more articulate.

PurpleToeNails Thu 24-Aug-17 08:44:33

I hope you managed to get some sleep. You didn't deserve what happened to you, and you don't deserve friends who minimise it.

CantRememberHoliday Fri 25-Aug-17 00:03:51

Thank you purple, I did manage to get a couple of hours sleep. My friends are all off enjoying themselves today and I've just been on the receiving end of happy pictures (That I know takes hundreds of attempts to get the right one as in usually the one acting as their slave photographer).

Bought some lovely things for my uni room though! grin

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Aug-17 09:06:20

OMG - I can't begin to imagine what you went through.
And it's hardly surprising so many rapists get away with it when people minimise it.
These people are certainly your friends.
But you'll make new, better friends at uni.

rizlett Fri 25-Aug-17 09:15:16

I thought from your previous thread op that your 'friends' might have been jealous of your decision to not sleep around and that perhaps they helped orchestrate the whole thing.

It's good that you can see they don't seem to have your interests at heart. I'm impressed too with your focus on not feeling like a victim and wanting to move on with your life.

CantRememberHoliday Fri 25-Aug-17 11:17:14

hellsbells I know what you mean. I always expected them to be like this. They're very anti-feminists and a lot of their views on things completely baffle me.

rizlett That may actually be true as they've now told me I have nothing to lose and should be sleeping with other people otherwise I'll never be in a relationship because the man will be so disgusted that I'm inexperienced confused
They also told me before all this happened that I was pathetic for studying instead of drinking... the night before A level exams!

I really don't want to feel like a victim but do feel strange about where it leaves me with future partners. I think it's something that I should discuss with them but I'm not sure when you would broach it. It's not exactly date conversation material.

Physically I'm okay and I know some STDs don't show up for a while so I'll get tested when I'm at uni too. I'm guessing there might be the opportunity during freshers as they have sexual health and contraception information but if not I'll find an alternative.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Aug-17 14:08:02

Don't worry about future partners for now.
This will affect you for a long time to come but you don't have to tell anybody you don't want to.
When you eventually find that special someone, you'll know when the time is right.
Until then, this is what happened to YOU.
It's yours to tell to who ever you want, when ever you are ready.
I'm sending you (((((HUGS))))) you sound so very brave.

CantRememberHoliday Fri 25-Aug-17 18:14:32

I just thought if I wanted a ONS in the future, for example, what would I say if I then freaked out? I'd have to tell them really.. I feel like I'm only thinking about this because of freshers looming though. I don't think I'm the type of person to just want to have sex so if a lad actually 'liked' me during freshers he'd be up for swapping numbers, surely? Urgh. I don't know. I never wanted to be tied down to a proper serious relationship (lots of my friends have very controlling 'boyfriends'. They tell their lads that they're single yet try to control everything the girls do and I love dancing with anyone on nights out and just having fun etc. I'm also quite bad for drunken kissing but always stopped there until this happened) but I do want to be with someone. I don't actually feel that traumatised at all right now but I feel like it's shaken me up about what I want and who I am. This could also be due to my friends' attitudes too though. For example, I use tinder. I've had it since I was 15! (With a break in the middle when they kicked under 18s off) I've met loads of gig buddies and friends on there and been on one date. But my friends are desperate for me to have sex, it's really weird. They keep messaging me "X is single. Shag him!!!!"
Also for those who didn't read my previous thread, they told the lad who raped me "good luck getting her back to your hotel, she's a virgin" so that probably encouraged him.

CantRememberHoliday Fri 25-Aug-17 18:14:59

No idea what happened to my paragraphs there... apologies blush

CantRememberHoliday Fri 25-Aug-17 18:17:57

sorry, some of that didn't make any sense.

My friends are in relationships with lads/men that deny their relationship to their male friends but try to control my friends. They don't like them drinking etc. But they're always cheating on the lads even when they're in 'real relationships'.

CantRememberHoliday Sat 26-Aug-17 01:53:59

Up again sad

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