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Moving away? The guilt

(16 Posts)
BeautifulLiar Tue 22-Aug-17 07:11:12

The place I live now was almost meant to be a stop gap while I was at the local university, then I was going to move away and start afresh with my son. However I met someone from round here and got pregnant straightaway. We ended up having three children together and even getting married, despite him being violent and abusive.

He left last year, just after baby no 4 was born. I've been crazily saving and would still love to move away. ExH has seen the children twice in five months (hasn't seen them since June), he is supposed to have supervised contact, he refuses to pay maintenance.

Meanwhile I won't go to the local shops in case I bump into him or his family. Sometimes I drive 15 miles just to buy milk!

I've been looking at houses, some 30 minutes away and some two hours away, and I want to do it. If it was just me I'd go in a heartbeat.

But the guilt stops me... What if the DC miss it here? They'd have to change schools (they're 9, 6, 4 and 1). What if when they're older they think I moved away from exH to be spiteful? He will almost certainly tell them that!

What would other Mumsnetters do??

Thebluedog Tue 22-Aug-17 07:15:42

Do it! Your children are at an age to move schools easier as they are primary age. They will make new friends easily and will most likely find the move easier than yourself.

As for your exh, if he's not seeing them on a regular basis or paying maintenance (as well as being an abuser), then his thoughts or feelings should t come into it.

It's your responsibility to ensure you build a happy and healthy environment for your dc, and if that includes moving to improve your happiness then I'd say just go for it. No need to feel guilty

BeautifulLiar Tue 22-Aug-17 07:25:27

Ahh, thanks theblue. I don't really think about making me happy! We would be buying too (renting at the minute) so in theory that would benefit them as a future inheritance. It's so scary!

Mama234 Tue 22-Aug-17 07:33:21

The kids are young enough to adapt fairly easily, I would go for it if I were you.
With four kids you don't need someone weighing you down, If he isn't a supportive role model who is there for them financially and emotionally then I can't see how you would be doing any harm.

2 hours isn't a million miles away, If he cares he will be there if he doesn't well that's his choice not yours.
Good luck.

Thebluedog Tue 22-Aug-17 07:33:36

Half an hour is no biggie to someone who genuinely wants to see their kids. My exdh travels an hour to collect his dcs each week, and never complains about it. I moved away as it was a better school for the children (they were primary school age, as I always said I'd never move them once they started secondary school), I was closer to work and my support structure. It's worked out brilliantly. The kids took it all in their stride and made new friends.

As for your ex telling them that you were being spiteful, he's got to see them first, and they will know the score themselves soon. All you can do is give them a stable, happy and safe environment and realise that his opinion of you, is nothing to do with you. Your responsibility is to your dc and not him.

AJPTaylor Tue 22-Aug-17 07:33:55

Do it.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 22-Aug-17 09:09:34

Could you move near your own family so you have some support? If you are buying a house and have 4 dc to support you are managing very well and need to do what makes you happy. But l would choose a place you know a few people in as not easy to be completely alone.

BeautifulLiar Tue 22-Aug-17 09:26:09

I would be buying with DP. Also my family are round here and they're just as poisonous as my ex husband so it would be good to get away from them too! Although then yes as you say I'd be completely alone

Whataboutmeee Tue 22-Aug-17 09:29:11

How stable is your relationship with your new partner? It's a big commitment to buy somewhere with a man you cannot have been with long (1 year old with ex.)

BeautifulLiar Tue 22-Aug-17 10:49:47

It's relatively stable. We wouldn't be buying anything just yet. Just want to get out of here but if I rented somewhere it's a big risk and I'd need a guarantor from somewhere

SandyY2K Tue 22-Aug-17 10:53:06

Don't feel guilty. Your Ex isn't interested in the kids and a fresh start at this young age for them would be good.

You being happy enables you to be a better parent. Not driving miles for milk.

RebornSlippy Tue 22-Aug-17 13:49:55

Yes to the move. He has shown no interest to date so I wouldn't put my life on hold for him.

Woah there, stall the breaks on buying a place with another man so quickly! What's the rush?

I honestly can never understand how people jump from one relationship to the other like this. Sorry, OP, it just doesn't sit right with me. Would you not like some time just you and your kids in your new place and life? DON'T buy a property with this new fella.

BeautifulLiar Tue 22-Aug-17 15:07:01

I didn't jump, I was on my own for a few months and enjoyed it. I would like that but unfortunately I don't have the means to buy on my own sad

TheRealBiscuitAddict Tue 22-Aug-17 15:19:55

Absolutely I would move but I would move somewhere where you have a support network as being on your own with four kids is no walk in the park.

But I absolutely wouldn't buy a house with a man it seems you haven't actually lived with yet. You may feel now that this is your only way on to the property ladder, but as you've been together less than a year you cannot possibly know whether or not this relationship has a future, and if it doesn't then untangling yourself from property ownership is just going to add to the complications if/when you split.

RebornSlippy Tue 22-Aug-17 15:20:39

So rent then. Or look for a council house. Or anything. But, don't buy a house with a man just because you need him financially. Seriously, OP, you have to know this! I'm not saying don't have a relationship. Fine if you're happy and want to do so. Personally, I'd rather be on my own for a while, but different strokes for different folks etc. However, committing to something this huge and the potential fallout for your kids who, frankly have had enough upheaval, is crazy.

ravenmum Tue 22-Aug-17 15:25:50

I thought you were going to say to another country or something ...

If you'd be happy there I'd suggest choosing the home which will make it easier for the kids to visit him independently in a few years' time, if they want. The home with a better public transport connection, for instance.

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