My partner has depression

[Rambler17]

I've been with my partner approx 6 months. It's been rather intense and I've come to know a lot about her personally. We have a very open relationship and talk about things freely.

However, it has become apparent that my partner is suffering from depression. My partner seems to think that she isn't worthy of anyone's love and kindness, her work is never good enough (she is a workaholic as a result), she is very self conscious over her image (resulting in careful eating), she has trouble sleeping and functioning on a daily basis and lastly she is very open with the fact that she has suicidal thoughts but admits she won't act on them. She is undergoing therapy online.

I'm having a hard time listening to her complaining day in day out, it's hard for me to listen and I can't really do anything to help. Plus, I find her talking about suicide makes me uncomfortable. We openly talk about our future and I worry that if I get too involved I will be caught up in her issues and that it may be a difficult future.

Can anyone offer any advice or support? I am in very deep but I'm also very weary.

[curlylocks101]

I don't feel as though I have much to offer in the way of advice, as dealing with this is so personal to the people involved, but I just wanted to say you're not alone! I've been with my partner six years and this summer his depression and the effect it has on our relationship nearly caused me to leave. He's about to start treatment so we'll see if that changes anything - hope so, because we can't go on like this (don't blame you for feeling like that after six months!). Hope you're looking after yourself, it's so easy to get too focused on them and forget about yourself.

[Rambler17]

@curlylocks101

Exactly, it's hard as we are emotionally involved and I spend all my time trying to help and fix things.

I seem to put my self on hold and I am occupied with worrying about her all day. It's draining and in a way it puts me off as I fear things will only get worse as time goes on.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Only 6 months and you are feeling very weary. That means it is a bad relationship for you.

In very deep? You mean too intense too soon where she's relying on you for emotional support? Or do you mean you have you moved in together and are sharing finances?

My advice, firstly, end it now, this isn't the right relationship for you. Secondly, be extremely wary of relationships that are overly intense so soon and wary of people who are quick to share deeply personal information about themselves.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Have you considered simply not trying to help or fix, just be, and accept that how she is is how she is?

[Rambler17]

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

In too deep emotionally, I feel very strongly for her and I am aware of the reasons causing the depression.

It's very hard to see a future and a happy life when she talks so openly about suicide and her thoughts, minus her not acting on it. I feel that at times I am happy, she will never be true my happy.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Well, that's your answer then isn't it? This isn't a relationship with a future.

Don't confuse wanting to save her with wanting to be with her.

You already know what to do. Six months and here you are on MN! You know it's wrong.

What's stopping you from doing what you know is right for your future?

[junebirthdaygirl]

You only arely know her. You are not responsible for her. If ye were married years and this happened it would be different. You need to leave this relationship as ye dont have enough solid ground under you to work on those issues together.

[Rambler17]

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

I think the thing putting me off the most is that I'm looking forward to building a future and I see her in the future long term (it's still early days but that's how I feel, she says the same to me) and when she says about how she isn't scared of death and she thinks about how she would be better off dead makes me feel worthless and like she won't enjoy life even though she wants a future with me etc.

[junebirthdaygirl]

That talk will really destroy your life. She needs help , lots of it . But if you were my dc l would be very worried about you getting into that situation. My dh suffers from depression bur we were married 20 years before that happened so a lot of foundation u der us and yet it was extremely difficult at times.
Would you get some counselling for yourself?

[Rambler17]

@junebirthdaygirl

It really puts me off, she won't enjoy life as she could despite all my efforts. I try to plan and do nice things for her but if she talks like this I feel I'm wasting my time. She isn't planning these memories for the future, she is living for the here and now and I fear that in the long term it will become extremely problematic. She needs therapy, I explained that therapy will help but she is very critical. She has online therapy and I stated its not enough, she needs in depth professional attention.

[junebirthdaygirl]

You didnt cause this
You cant control it
You cant cure it
Usually relates to alcoholism but relevant here.
6 months is no length in a relationship. This is who she is. This is unlikely to change. You decide.

[LellyMcKelly]

This relationship isn't nurturing you. It's not making you feel wonderful, it's not making you happy. Regardless of whether she is depressed you need to do what's best for your own mental health. At 6 months in you should be eating out in fancy restaurants and shagging your brains out. Instead it sound like you're an extra therapist. Think about where you see yourself in 10 years, and whether you'd be happy with the life you're leading now.

[Rambler17]

I just don't think that it can work long term, it's very hard to plan nice things and build a life with someone who feels they would be better off dead.

[Offred]

This isn't love, this is her having MH issues and you being codependent. That's why it feels you are 'in too deep'.