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On holiday with cheating DH.

(76 Posts)
Heartbreakdieter Mon 21-Aug-17 23:14:13

So I have changed my username because DH was stalking me on mumsnet but I'm sure some of you will recognise me.

It has now been just over a month since I caught out DH in an affair with a colleague thanks to the spidery senses of the women on AIBU. I kicked him out of the house and had a few weeks to scream/cry but ultimately decided to let him come on holiday with us for the sake of the kids and for me as they have clearly been affected by the turmoil and have been waking me up every night
We are on holiday with friends. Everyone knows everything and we all agreed to come anyway. It's a four bed house plus guesthouse so plenty of space for everyone and we originally said he could come and sleep in the doghouse guesthouse but I am actually sleeping there myself to get some much needed rest. So that is good. And actually everyone is getting on well. Even me and him, except that it kills me because it all seems normal and then it all comes flooding back and punches me in the stomach with the memory of what he has done and how it is all just a mirage. I almost wish it weren't going well and that he was being shunned even though I know that would be crap for our poor friends. But at the moment it feels like the death of a thousand paper cuts having fun with him there just like he has been for the last fifteen years. And then I remember.

I have no idea what to do. I think it's good he came because the children barely see him normally but it is just surreal for me.

Part of me wants to book a flight home tomorrow and just run away but I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face, I think.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 21-Aug-17 23:17:33

Was this the hotel one? If so I remember- but even if it's not these arses are all one and the same anyway.

This is so horrible for you. I take it your friends want to support you as much as possible. Is there any way they could keep an eye on kids for a few hours and you go do something nice for yourself?

A spa, a tour, even just a dip in the pool on your own?

You're trying to be all things to all people at the moment and that is so hard.

gingergenius Mon 21-Aug-17 23:25:06

That must be really hard op. Think I remember your original post and the subsequent follow -up.

Don't know what to suggest. How are the kids coping? Would they be extra stressed if you left? Sorry I'm not more help but you're not alone!

Dowser Mon 21-Aug-17 23:25:42

Well done for still going.
It sounds horrendous op. I did it as we had a house in Florida.
It did not go well
With hindsight I wouldn't do it again.

Heartbreakdieter Mon 21-Aug-17 23:26:35

This is the one where he was being such a snarly arse about our holiday friend that everyone on AIBU said it must be a lovers tiff and when I checked his phone he wasn't having an affair with her but was having one with someone else they both work with.

Ironically the holiday is actually going better than I thought it would when he was snarling about it and I had no idea why. He begged to come in the end and said he would basically be the whipping boy but that isn't how it has worked out- the dynamic is exactly how it always used to be and if I asked for him to be excluded I would feel bad.confused

Heartbreakdieter Mon 21-Aug-17 23:32:26

I have been off by myself a few times and am volunteering for supermarket runs etc. I've tried to go for a run but I have broken toes that arent quite healed yet and it's very hilly so that hasn't been successful.

The kids would really miss me if I went I think. I've been their primary caregiver since birth and he's only usually around once or twice a week. Hopefully they are benefiting from extra daddy time but they do run over as soon as I appear so I wouldn't want to abandon them

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Aug-17 23:37:04

How much longer is the holiday going on?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 21-Aug-17 23:41:56

Take the kids somewhere and tell him to amuse himself. Get some quality time in with them so that you have a nice memory of the holiday as well.

DadOctave Mon 21-Aug-17 23:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K Tue 22-Aug-17 00:51:08

I remember you and how your toes broke.
After involving the DC in the A, so to speak just enjoy your DC having fun and return to business as usual when you get home.

Take a stroll as you can't run.

gingertigercat Tue 22-Aug-17 06:42:44

I remember how your toes broke too.

I'm surprised your mutual friends can stand to be in the same room as him after what he did to you.

Take as much you time as you need for yourself and hope the weather is lovely for you. flowers

Therealslimshady1 Tue 22-Aug-17 06:49:41

If a friend would come on holiday in this set up (with her cheating DH), I would be polite to him and act normal, for the sake of the kids and general atmosphere.

However, deep down my support would be 100 percent with the friend who was cheated on. If things got nasty, my "acting normal to the Dh would go out of the door completely!

I hope/imagine it is the same with your friends?

MollyHopps Tue 22-Aug-17 08:05:00

OP I agree with others, Take some time to be with your DC and make some lovely memories.

In all honesty he probably should have had the decency to not bother coming....

Out of interest, how did you break your toes?

SandyY2K Tue 22-Aug-17 08:07:32

Out of interest, how did you break your toes?

Telling could out her (H stalking). I'll PM you.

timeisnotaline Tue 22-Aug-17 08:40:10

I too ama bit surprised your mutual friends can be nice to him. I'm sure they are supportive of you given your dhs longstanding cheating and lies. It's verybrave of you to do this so soon, I couldn't. Every time He was on a phone I'd make some comment about he was on holiday with his children , could he make it a first and spend some time with them and hold off on lining up a shag. I think what a pp suggested is good- take the kids for an afternoon and make yourself a good holiday memory. Get a friend on board before suggesting. If he objects tell him to go home. Also tell your friends how hard you are finding the whole holiday!

sourgrapes28 Tue 22-Aug-17 08:46:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline Tue 22-Aug-17 08:53:19

sour did you not read that the op doesn't want to go into it and has already name changed as he's been looking her up?
Op I hope he's been doing other things that are far more conducive to splitting up without burning all bridges than stalking you online hmm

sourgrapes28 Tue 22-Aug-17 09:22:45

Sorry having a head fuzz day, I've reported it to get it taken down.

Heartbreakdieter Tue 22-Aug-17 10:22:36

Don't worry about the anonymity I name changed because I knew he was reading what I put on here- he kept "suggesting" things that people had written on here trying to seen empathetic, but I would know he had just been stalking me on mumsnet again! I've had the same username for years though and I'm pretty sure he was just searching for it as I had posted in legal, etc. I doubt he will actually be trawling the relationship boards.

PerfectlyPooPoo Tue 22-Aug-17 10:31:55

I remember the start of your thread but didn't follow to the end. Do your friends know he broke your toes in DV?

If so I imagine, and hope, they're just being polite to the arsehole for your sake. Please tell your friends when you are struggling and get their support.

This holiday is for your dc, you're doing amazing as I would not have been able to do this and certainly would be feeling very angry at the shit 'happiness' of it all.

SandyY2K Tue 22-Aug-17 10:37:49

What happened to his plans for the future with the OW?

I might have you mixed up, but have you been a SAHM or do you work?

Heartbreakdieter Tue 22-Aug-17 10:38:07

Anyway, most of me is glad it is going well. A month ago when he was being strangely nasty about friend I expected to be able to cut the tension with a knife, but actually it has been fine. The first night he took himself off on his own and played pool while eavesdropping and got himself a bit worked up about being the outcast but it was self imposed and since then we have been playing pool too and it has been fine. Although playing pool in and of itself is triggering memories as we used to play a lot when we first met a million moons ago.
It got a bit weird last night as he was talking about a film he was adamant we had watched together and I said "are you sure it was me that you watched it with?!" And rather than accepting that and shutting up he kept following me around playing clips on his phone to help me remember id seen it and i hadn't . The annoying repercussion of this was that I'd been supposed to play a game with friend but she took herself off with her husband to give us space and I ended up just going to bed and mumsnetting.

Most of the time it is fine. But it is the normalcy that is hard. Having been together for fifteen years it just works regardless of whatever bullshit he spun to OW about feeling neglected but the problem is half the time I forget what he's done and then have to kick myself and wonder whether it is all just an act

Heartbreakdieter Tue 22-Aug-17 10:42:19

I am currently a sahm although I do have a job lined up and have been applying for others this week just in case that doesn't pan out.

He says he has no plans to ever speak to Ow again. He broke it off the day I found out and as far as I know he hasn't contacted her since. He is very repentant and begging for another chance

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Aug-17 11:03:16

I'm sure he is. But once you've broken trust it's gone.

I think the following you was self-justifying and yes he likely had seen it with OW.

Can you ask him to go out sightseeing/waterskiing/wine tasting for a day to give you break from him? Or take the children out of the day without him?

ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire Tue 22-Aug-17 11:15:58

My friend had a cheating husband and it all suddenly came out. They divorced and he also left her with lots of debt from his failed businesses and 3 small children. To her credit she made a real effort to stay civil and has always been pleasant and accepting of the (many) partners he has had over the years. She has a great life now with her long term partner whereas her ex still has debts, a drink problem and a new partner every couple of years. He looks a tit who threw away all that was good, whereas she came out of it with her dignity intact and her children really appreciate the efforts both made to stay civil. I asked her how she did it, she says she tried to detach emotionally from him straight away and that in the long run she knew she'd look back and think she was well shot of him.

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