Need to know the truth even after a year

[KeyChange]

Hi - Ex and I split last year after I discovered he cheated. We'd been together ten years.

The split was very painful, involving me having to move house, settling DC into new nursery and dealing with shitty behaviour from ex and OW.

I spent most of the year stressed out and obsessing about it all, I'd talk constantly about them and could think of little else. I felt like things got better recently, my new life seemed to fall into place and I realised I was happy and ultimately better off. BUT...

I really want to know the extent of their cheating. At first I thought it had only been going on for a few weeks prior to me finding out (I saw their emails referring to "the last few weeks" being so happy), but things aren't really adding up - he said it was a work event (she doesn't seem to work), I've found out her kid was at same school as his eldest a couple of years ago which makes me wonder if they met there. They got engaged a few weeks after we split - seems too quick.

It's making me wonder about stuff like did he go see her after I gave birth and he couldn't stay on the ward. I feel sick about it. I feel like knowing the truth would at least stop me from second guessing every happy moment we had over the years.

I'll never get a straight answer out of him but wonder if the OW would talk to me. She certainly doesn't pull punches.

Would the truth help me move on? If not how can I let go and stop speculating?

So sick of having good days then finding myself up late stewing on it all again.

[Heebejeebees]

I feel for you. I've lived what you have... The obsessing, the anxiety. It's horrendous.

I don't know what you should do, but I did contact the OW and got lots of answers.

Mostly got answers because actually she didn't realise he was a cheat, she wasn't 'in on it' and she's a nice person. Though that said we've had horrendous exchanges and then calm again. We've been in contact a few times.

If she was fully aware she was with a man who was in a relationship, if not contact.

You'll have loads of people telling you just to move on etc, but I do know how hard it is without piecing together the truth. Best of luck

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Don't contact her!

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Will you believe him op? Probably not and the obsessing continues. In time, you will think about it less.

The truth he he won't tell you the truth because he won't want to make himself look bad.

I'm sorry this has happened to you

[mineofuselessinformation]

The truth is, he will never tell you. Many of us have been there before. They don't explain, because that would be admitting guilt.
I'm sorry.

[Heebejeebees]

MyheartbelongstoG - I think OP was asking whether to contact OW for truth, not ex

[KeyChange]

She claims she only became aware of him being in a relationship 3 days before I found out. But I know that he spent the night with her 1 night before I found out - so it obviously wasn't a dealbreaker for her.

Me and her have had some very heated exchanges by text. She fights his battles for him and gets involved in things like child support discussions - which really pisses me off. But I do think she would be honest about how they started their relationship.

[KeyChange]

Oh yes I have asked ex and got some bullshit response firmly based on what he knows I already know. I wouldn't believe a word he says about it. Little sneak.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Heebee, yes I know. I understand the reasons for wanting to but I would advise against this as she can't be trusted and op will steel feel like this and in a couple of years will look back and kick herself. Easier said than done I know.

Often, the truth comes when you don't give a shit op.

[SandyY2K]

Why would she be honest? Do you know that he lied about you and having a child?

I think you should try and leave it in the past. Accept that you'll never know the truth, because that's just how it is sometimes.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

I can't stand cheaters.

Do you have real life support? If you keep talking you will get brilliant advice on here from women that have been through the same thing.

I wish I could give you a big hug

[Heebejeebees]

KeyChange - from your other update, sounds like she wouldn't actually be honest with you. Therefore contacting her will just damage you more.

So hard to resist contacting, looking up on FB etc. it does fade. I've met someone new now and very happy. It doesn't kill the thoughts, sometimes find myself back there as I have kids with ex, but it does dull.

[thegirlupnorth]

But you know what, even if they did speak to,you, hoe would you ever know the truth. They might still lie and you'll never get the closure you're looking for.

Some things (boxes) you can't put a lid on, but you can chuck the box in the skip and leave it behind X

[Heebejeebees]

Thegirl - really true actually, every question I had answered led to more... I remember feeling so so sick in the pit of my stomach. I remember thinking I could never go on...it all fades.

Hearing her name from my children's mouths is still very hard. Stabs my heart.

[KeyChange]

Sandy Based on previous conversations with OW, she doesn't seem bothered about protecting my feelings and doesn't care what I think of her - so I think she's more likely to tell me if it was weeks, months or years. God knows what he told her during his "courting". I wish I could just leave it, but these questions keep nagging at me.

Myheart I do have great friends and family but it's gone on so long I cant keep bothering them about it. They're lovely but I can completely see how it must get tedious! I'm bored of thinking it, god knows what it's like listening to me.

[Heebejeebees]

Key - I bored the shit out of my friends for a good year. But you know what, I've been there for my friends in similar situations. I wasn't bored, I was worried, wanting better for my friends.

Talk to people, get it out. I was you and feeling like you last year. It's horrible and I'm sorry it's happened to you X

[KeyChange]

Heebee yep I must be a few years behind you in the "process". Been facebook trawling tonight, feeling sickened that his family are all now joyful that he's marrying her. I spent this morning trying to cheerfully persuade a screaming toddler that he'll have a great time at his daddy's, then dropping him off and have the OW answer the door. Gah.

[SofiaAmes]

My ex left me for another woman and married her and then had an affair with a 3rd woman whom he got pregnant. Relationships based on lies don't tend to last.

[Heebejeebees]

Key - no I'm quite fresh, we officially split for good beginning of last summer. But I did meet someone soon after (by absolute accident) that has probably helped.

The cheating was the previous year and we tried to work it out, but he was still cheating pretending to work it out.

The lies and not knowing the truth do eat you up I know. You will be happy again.

You will stop feeling like you do. Choose to move on in your head. Mentally it will happen if you allow it to, but you'll sometimes get struck by stuff, your heart will hurt, you'll not expect it. It's fucking horrible.

Do not contact her, she doesn't sound like a nice person and will hurt you more.

Channel those horrendous feelings into making your life as great as possible. Then in time your life will be amazing and you'll realise that you don't feel that anger and upset every day.

Block them both on FB... Promise it will help

Best to you X

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Lovely post heebee

[Bloomed]

If she likes fighting his battles for him I'd think she'd go along with his story to protect him. She has no loyalty to you OP.

[Aquamarine1029]

You have got to let this go because IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Whether he cheated for one day or one year, what difference does it REALLY make? The only one you are torturing in all this is yourself. Your marriage is over, you've moved on, so KEEP MOVING.

[janaus]

2 years for me. Obsessing, over active imagination, anxiety, mind movies,
If you can, don't let it get a hold of you. He is not worth it.
Hypnotherapy helped for a while, but soon, triggers set me off again.

[KeyChange]

It's a crap way to feel and wish I didn't. Not sure why it's even important, I suppose if he was cheating when we were trying for a baby that would be a greater betrayal than the current "truth" of cheating during a rough patch as I had pnd. But yes either way it's over.

Time has been a healer in that I don't think about it constantly. But I do dwell on it if I'm not busy or when alone at night.

[KeyChange]

Thanks for replying everyone. Sorry so many of you have experienced the same thing.