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Heading - at speed - towards the end of a 30 year relationship.

(23 Posts)
Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 22:15:52

I've been with my dh for almost thirty years. The marriage has been rocky for sometime, but it seems to have suddenly got a lot worse.

He now barely speaks to me, and has moved into the spare room (without a word to me). I am also fed up with the relationship (he is controlling, inflexible, moody and anti-social), but - and I know this sounds ridiculous - now the end is approaching I'm finding it very difficult to actually say the words "it's over!"

He hasn't said anything to me about ending the relationship, and somehow I don't think he will. I think he'll carry on being a bad tempered git but not actually have the courage to speak to me about it.

Can anyone help me to think of the right words to say to him, in order to end the relationship in a dignified and - if possible - pleasant way? I feel stupidly frozen with fear of the unknown, and the phrase "out of the frying pan and out of the fire" is going round and round in my head! (I work but with on low salary and will not have a good pension - part of my worry is financial. We also have 2 dds, early twenties but still living at home at the moment).

Help!

Aquamarine1029 Sun 20-Aug-17 22:21:18

Money isn't everything, and being in a miserable marriage is no way to live for the rest of your life. Get all of the financial information you can, set up a separate bank account, and then simply tell him you want a divorce. Just make sure you have a solicitor already under retainer. In one year, your life will be so much better.

Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 22:26:50

Thank you for your reply Aqua. You are right about money not being everything, of course, but I've got to admit that the idea of being really hard up does worry me.

I saw a solicitor a few days ago and unfortunately her idea of what I would probably end up with in a divorce wasn't great (although not a million miles away from what I was expecting).

Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 22:39:25

I feel furious with myself that I've let everything get to this stage. It would have been so much easier to have moved on, got a better paid job etc ten years ago, but I was too worried about the effect on my dds, and - I guess - too much of a coward... sad

LellyMcKelly Sun 20-Aug-17 22:43:07

Can you sit down with him and just say, "Look, we both know this is over. It's time to move on"? Before you do that, think about what you want, and get your ducks in a row.

elephantoverthehill Sun 20-Aug-17 22:46:35

OP go for it, or have another 10 years of regret? Your Dcs have flown the nest, you are a freebird. And he is not happy so just explain to him that you have made the sacrifices and so expect a 50/50 split.

elephantoverthehill Sun 20-Aug-17 22:47:48

Sorry, Dcs haven't flown the nest yet.

elephantoverthehill Sun 20-Aug-17 22:50:32

Um, you can actually claim half of his pension if you have been with him that long, I think.

awishes Sun 20-Aug-17 22:52:38

Just to say I have been in a similar position. Finally split 3 years ago. Ex would not speak about it at all and we ended up having a very nasty divorce. I wish I had prepped a little more for it. My DC are younger than yours, I had 10 years as a SAHM and returned to the workplace on a much reduced salaryand of course loss of pension and NI contributions. Financially it has been a disaster, the judge told me that at 18 yet to take A Levels my eldest would not be considered as needing to be housed and therefore I would only actually need a 2 bed house!
Fast forward a year from that and life is much happier. Although I live on the breadline I feel proud to have kept a roof over my children's heads and have peace in the house, no atmospheres etc BUT it is hard emotionally, I cannot move on and haven't dated despite being split for nearly 4 years now, it's quite difficult to shoulder everything as well!
I wish you well, you will hopefully have years of happiness ahead, please fight for your share and try to make it as amicable as possible, particularly for your dc's sake, no matter how old they are. 💐

Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 22:52:54

Unfortunately, he cashed in his pension (without a word to me) a few years ago when his business was going through a bad time. He will now get very little.

SandyY2K Sun 20-Aug-17 22:57:12

Just say something like... "we both know things aren't what they should be and you believe it's best to split /divorce and look to the future and be there for your girls when they need you"

No need to look at placing blame. Just sort out the practical aspects.

Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 23:10:18

Thanks for your post awishes, and I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been very easy for you so far. Really shocked by the judge's comments too!

Cambionome Sun 20-Aug-17 23:18:22

Thanks Sandy. That's a good way to start. I don't seem to be able to think straight at the moment but these replies are really helping.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 20-Aug-17 23:36:54

You can always make more money, but you will never get time back. Don't waste it being miserable.

Cambionome Tue 22-Aug-17 22:34:32

Spoke to him tonight, following Sandy's suggested approach.
He was a bit taken aback, but asked me to write down everything that the solicitor said so that we can discuss it. So far so good.

I then made the mistake of trying to discuss the whole situation from an emotional/ relationship point of view, rather than a practical/financial one. He went on to do what he always does... immediately starts saying sarcastically "Oh yes, it's all my fault, I'm a terrible person, I'm a fucking idiot" getting louder and louder and effectively shutting the whole conversation down. I could kill him, honestly. angry

Also, having looked carefully at all the finances, I'm not sure if I could afford to live on my own. Feel like I'm no further forward. sad

Aquamarine1029 Tue 22-Aug-17 22:47:44

Believe me, stay the course and move forward every day. If he won't talk about the emotional aspect of things, then fine. Let him live in his own world of denial and misery. Don't let his baggage determine your happiness. Work very, very hard at saving up funds, and you'll get there.

Cambionome Tue 22-Aug-17 22:52:21

Thank you for your reply, Aqua. That's what I'm going to try to do

yetmorecrap Tue 22-Aug-17 23:23:24

That's exactly how my H talks too OP if I ever bring up anything relationship wise about his past crappiness to me , no wonder we all end up walking on eggshells and closing down those kind of chats.

Cambionome Tue 22-Aug-17 23:29:32

Exactly yet.

Thirty bloody years with someone who can't (or more likely ^won't ^) communicate in a reasonable way. sad

StaplesCorner Tue 22-Aug-17 23:54:18

30 years next year for me too, I am not sure how to extricate myself. my DDs are mid-teens so need security and place to live for some time to come yet. tough call but I think you did the best thing. Do your DDs work? Can you rent between the 3 of you? Or do you own the house you live in now?

Cambionome Wed 23-Aug-17 00:15:16

I own the house we live in now and in fact it's in my name only. I've always thought that gave me the right to keep it, but of course I'm wrong and the solicitor told me that it's still a marital asset and will be split 50:50 along with everything else. sad

Cambionome Wed 23-Aug-17 00:16:33

Dds have just finished uni - one has got a job already, other one nothing so far.

AdaColeman Wed 23-Aug-17 00:48:05

I'd be cautious about telling him everything the solicitor said to you, that's showing him your hand before you've played it.

Were you a SAHP? Were you the main carer for your children? That may mean you would get a larger share of the assets. Did he contribute to the mortgage, did you already own the house? Again it could mean you would get the larger proportion.

Do you already have a job, could you increase your hours?

Don't rush into agreeing with financial arrangements, take your time to consider and plan for your future.

All the best, thirty years is a very long time to be together, stay strong.

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