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Giving marriage another chance after DH left for another woman

(63 Posts)
user1499489024 Sun 20-Aug-17 20:00:31

My husband left 8 months ago to be with someone else he had been talking to online for months. She lives like 300 miles away. We were together 10yrs & have 4 kids.
The relationship barely lasted 2 weeks after he moved there.
He now tells me he still loves me & has made the biggest mistake of his life & wants me to agree to try again.
I'm completely torn...I don't want him to think it's ok that he does that to me & his children then can just come back when he realises the grass isn't greener. I'm afraid to let him back in and feel vulnerable to it happening again.
On the other hand, I want to know I've explored every avenue before accepting my marriage is totally over and I want my kids to have him around & see him daily. I miss that family unit and as much as I hate to admit it to myself I miss him. I can't just fall out of love with him (even tho I could of killed him over all this time).
We have been getting on fine, actually better than fine. I've told him I can't make a decision like that yet and I need to figure out what I want. Right now I'm not sure what I want or what makes me happy.
Has anyone ever had a successful relationship after a break like this?

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Aug-17 20:04:11

Oh no, I couldn't do this.

For one thing, he's been gone for 8 months - that's a hell of a long time. There were approximately 240 days when he could have asked to come back and he didn't.

Then he moved a long way away from his kids. I wouldn't be interested in a man like that.

For 8 months he didn't care about any of you. He followed his cock and lived to regret it.

If you take him back, you'll regret it, believe me.

SuperBeagle Sun 20-Aug-17 20:04:19

You need to get some self respect and realise that he didn't and doesn't value you or your marriage. Someone else was more appealing to him, and it was only when that didn't work out that he came back to his old safe bet.

Temprmint Sun 20-Aug-17 20:05:48

I haven't been in your situation but I have used relate with my ex husband.
Would you/he consider relate to help?
I understand completely where you're coming from but you need to protect yourself too..

jelliebelly Sun 20-Aug-17 20:07:41

No chance - he did it once he'll do it again as soon as the novelty wears off.

Funnyonion17 Sun 20-Aug-17 20:11:51

I personally couldn't go back, but I do recognise that many do and they recover from it and even have a better relationship.

During the 8 month break was he fighting for your relationship after he made his 'mistake'? Or is him wanting to come back a sudden realisation for him? I think if it's the latter you should be very wary

Putyourhandsintheair Sun 20-Aug-17 20:11:56

It depends on whether you believe that he does genuinely love you and want to be with you or if he really just wants to move back home from 300 miles away and get easy access to children and a decent home.
I would take some convincing TBH.

Shoxfordian Sun 20-Aug-17 20:13:48

I don't think I would be able to take him back either

He's likely to do it again and he's untrustworthy

Costacoffeeplease Sun 20-Aug-17 20:15:54

Take him back and it shows him what you'll put up with, so what's to stop him doing it again?

mummytime Sun 20-Aug-17 20:16:00

If you do give him even a slight chance take it very very slowly. Make him work and prove it's what he wants. And regardless you can walk away anytime if you no love ne'er want to "give it a chance".

chitofftheshovel Sun 20-Aug-17 20:16:30

I have friends who split up for a year because she had an affair.

They got back together because ultimately they are a unit. But he has been amazing at letting go of the betrayal, which I can imagine is a bloody difficult thing to do.

Follow your heart. And allow him to do some running but don't take the piss.

Loopytiles Sun 20-Aug-17 20:17:42

When did he come back?

What do you mean "getting on fine"? Have you been spending time with / shagging him? (The "pick me dance" comes to mind).

AnyFucker Sun 20-Aug-17 20:17:57

Wow

Some women would accept being the fall bsck second choice. Did you ever envisage being one of them ?

Christinayangstwistedsista Sun 20-Aug-17 20:18:46

How did your DC,s cope when Daddy decided to opt out?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 20-Aug-17 20:25:08

Where's he been living if he left her after 2 weeks? Have you started divorce proceedings? Has he been seeing the children over the last 8 months? What were they told when he moved out?

You sound so conflicted but your life must have changed so much, have there been positives?

Oblomov17 Sun 20-Aug-17 20:27:08

He left 8 months ago. But it only lasted 2 weeks. So where has he been for the 7.5 months?

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable Sun 20-Aug-17 20:28:56

I couldn't.
It would be different if he had a slip up, told you right away and grovelled and begged for forgiveness.
Then MAYBE!
But if he has lied and gone off with another woman to be with her instead of you and both your children then NO.
you can't trust him ever again. And your poor children shouldn't have to go through this either. They've just had to accept their dad is living somewhere else. Then he comes back only to most likely be gone again.
He made a choice! He chose her.

If he's begging forgiveness and has been for months and YOU want to give it another go... please first seek marriage counselling.
Wish you all the best and lots of strength.x

No, I wouldn't personally but I have a background of parents having affairs and breaking up and getting back together and I couldn't go there (plus I would hold a grudge for far longer than 8 months!)

If you want to try it, for yourself not because it's what you think you should do, then take it slow. Really really slow. As in he doesn't move back in. As in he he has to show you that you can trust him again. Don't sleep with him - if that's a deal breaker for him, tell him to fuck right off.

CosmicPineapple Sun 20-Aug-17 20:37:52

Anyfucker

Thats a bit harsh.

The OP has not said yes to taking him back.
This is very recent and the OP has a lot to think about. Its not an easy thing to have to deal with the end of your marriage, its harder still to be given the choice to end it again or not.

OP its someting only you can decide. Many people could not forgive or forget.
I couldnt.
I know a couple that were married 25 years. She had an affair and left. 6 months later she came bk and they gave it another go. They are in their 10th year after the affair and appear to be very much in love. Its diffetent for everyone.

SeaCabbage Sun 20-Aug-17 20:40:53

What has he been doing for the last seven and a half months then?

Has he explained why he started up a relationship online with another woman, when he was actually married to you?

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 20-Aug-17 20:41:34

8 months would firmly make me feel like plan B. You and he don't know each other any more.

As a minimum, can he articulate (honestly) why he strayed, why the relationship failed and what he's learned from the experience?

Having you take care of financial, practical and sexual needs is a lot easier than being single and trying to find a compatible partner.

hatsoncats Sun 20-Aug-17 21:39:34

The fact that he destroyed the entire family without a backwards glance for a thrill that lasted two weeks...the damage he has done to your children - how do you forgive that?

Could you be happy, knowing that you were his second choice?

Find some pride. No man on Earth is worth this.

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 20-Aug-17 22:33:35

A second chance to do it again op is all you'd be giving him.

Joinourclub Sun 20-Aug-17 22:47:49

If you aren't ready to decide yet, then don't. Take your time. Take things slowly. Don't have him move back in yet. Don't step back into being mr and mrs. Don't sleep with him.

See how it goes with him living close by again near you and the children. How he behaves. Does he want you back, is he truely sorry, or does he just want an easy life? Is he prepared to work hard for forgiveness or does he just want you to forget?

Personally I could never get over this. My relationship is built on honesty, respect and being each others number one. I could not forgive such a betrayal, it would render my relationship meaningless. What is the point of hitching yourself to somebody who is just going to cast you adrift when something better comes along?

Sistersofmercy101 Sun 20-Aug-17 22:49:37

No, I wouldn't, I couldn't, because as far as I would be concerned HE would have burnt that bridge. His doing - not my responsibility to be his fallback, not my responsibility to pick up his peices when he broke them.
In all seriousness, he's an adult, you're worthy of more respect than him thinking it's OK to come crawling back and you'll put up with that kind of behaviour.
But that's my tuppence fwiw smile

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