access arrangements during separation?

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

Hi-I asked my H to leave on finding some evidence of an affair. Luckily he agreed-he thought it was an overnight temporary thing but I'm determined to keep him out. He is controlling and emotionally abusive - the invalidating/gaslighting side of EA. anyway. I've changed the locks (house is my mum's). We are due to meet today to discuss going forwards for our kids (3DCs). What would be the access arrangements going forwards? He's pretty good at taking the kids out on trips, visiting his parents so I'm imagining every other Saturday? What do other people do?

[MrsBertBibby]

Every other Saturday? What is he, their uncle?

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

I have no idea what the norm is. Every weekend?

[RebekahGoggles]

I think it really depends on individual circumstances, when you meet to talk you need to discuss what arrangements each of you would like then meet in the middle.

Its so hard trying to be reasonable with your ex after a split but it really should be about what is best for the DC.

My ex has our DC one week day (he collects from me am, takes to school, collects from school then returns them at bedtime, then again on Saturday, every other saturday he has them through until Sunday. If he has work cancel/change (self employed) I am normally happy for him to see them an extra after school if we are free

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

He comes from a divorced background and he said it was every other Saturday for him when he was little. My sisters ex comes round every weekend and once during the week. And hunkers down at her house cos he's got nowhere to go. I really don't want that setup!

[HaudYerWheeshtBawbag]

Normally it's every other weekend and one day during the week, but more importantly what tonthe DC want and your exH

[Kerberos]

An you start with 50/50 and work from There?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he is controlling and emotionally abusive I would not meet him at all to discuss contact arrangements. He will probably use these children as weapons against you and could tie you in knots of his own making. Even though you have now separated from him his abuse of you will continue either directly like this or via them.

I would seek legal advice re divorcing him along with contact arrangements. Those should be formalised through the courts rather than any informal arrangement.

[Zebrasinpyjamas]

In my extended family, it's every other weekend and 2-3 days during the week. Eg Monday to Wednesday school drop off at their mum's, Wed after school to dad's til Friday. Friday pick up varies depending on whose weekend it is. Its an amicable split and children, have a good relationship with both parents.

[babybels]

It depends on what's best for the children and how you can fit in around work etc. Mine see their Dad on a Wednesday from 4.30pm and stay over and every other weekend for 2 nights.
I know a family who do 4 days each on a rolling schedule.
As a single parent you do need a break sometimes so you don't get burnt out. I know not all parents have the option of some time to themselves but the emotional and physical demands of dealing with all of it by yourself and working as well can be exhausting and lonely. Good luck with your conversations.

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

What would 50/50 look like? 1/2 the week each? What I would like is every Saturday he can have them, flexible for them to stay over (probably as his parents) and once during the week maybe twice. But not overnight. That's in the 50/50 arena isn't it?

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

Attila this is what I'm afraid of. Him slowly leaching back in. It was a miracle this affair thing happened. I saw the opportunity and just ran with it. My family are astounded it happened so quickly. He's not a severe EA but it was constant criticism, invalidating and lordship tendencies. I've agreed to meet but wanted to draw a clear line of boundaries.

[Kerberos]

Only the two of you can figure out what makes sense for your circumstances (living space, work patterns, financial and suitability reasons) but what you've outlined above doesn't sound like 50/50 to me.

[Sistersofmercy101]

I take it you're the main carer for the children OP? I think 50/50 is a well meant mistake for many people intending to be "fair" but is it really fair on the children - thinking long term, your children will have school, after school activities and family / friends events that they'd like to partake in? How's it going to work if you end up doing all the grunt work of before / after school, homework etc but you don't get any weekend with them? I would every other weekend it, as it's heading off potential problems before they set in. The children have the stability and security of having their main carer being able to arrange their day-to-day and see them at the weekend and still have time with the non resident parent. But that's just my opinion.

[Desmondo2016]

50 50 worked for us and we ran it alongside my shifts (he had them when I was lates or nights, I had them on days and days off). It does mean you both need to have a full house set up with all their stuff and it does mean you need to live relatively close.

[MrsMcGarry]

There are 7 days in a week so him seeing them 2days and one night is not 50:50
And his relationship with you has little to do with his relationship with the kids. You can choose to have nothing more to do with him- you can't make that decision for him

My ex has kids wed/Thurs nights from school one week, and Thurs after school to Sunday afternoon the next. They feel that they have two homes with twoloving parents.

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

Ah I dunno why I even typed 50/50, he would certainly not want that. He's not working at the moment so Looks after them 1/2 the week when I'm at work (p/t). He's always said once he finds work, he's not doing school run thing and will probably get home after they've bathed etc. When he was working I was the SAHM but we switched because he can't find work. This gives you an idea of his mindset, when we discussed separation (ages ago), I suggested he finds a flat in the area to be close to the kids. His response was of resounding disgust. He hates this area and was certainly not going to stick around here. DCs didn't even cross his mind. Nuff said, huh? Ok I'm clearer in my head about arrangements. Thanks.
P.S. DCs have hardly mentioned his absence. DS1 said I like it with just you mummy. I said that's nice DS1 and You'll see Daddy soon and he pulled a face! Obviously, I'm not encouraging this, I'm being very neutral and matter of fact. But they are v young

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

Attila I'm afraid you were right. What I convinced myself was borderline EA is actually the real deal. What a fucking scum bag. He pulled out all the stops tonight. He claims that me changing the locks and throwing him out is semi illegal. It's my house in my name and he paid the mortgage for 5yrs and his parting shot was that he can play dirty too!!!!!

[itislatekidsupin3hrs]

I spent the whole of today being really happy and carefree with the kids. Now I'm reduced to being a shaking wreck. So I will go the formal route. I guess I had to get my fingers burnt first, huh?