Partner's side of family never see my son

[DollFace13]

Hi everyone

I am looking for a bit of input from people on the outside.
Basically I moved from Scotland away from all family and friends to be with my DS father while I was pregnant.
We had been friends 6 years before being a couple and the pregnancy was pretty quick now we have been together 2years and DS is now 15months.
So I moved so my partner and his family could be apart of my son's life.
Me and my partner moved to Manchester (he lived in Warrington near his family) as this was where we decided we were moving too.
Ever since we did his family have had an issue with it, saying it's too far away.
Anyway DS was born and my partners father and wife showed face every so often but as time went on it became less and less. Within months...
Partners sister's have rarely visited well one has only been once or twice and 1 sister has never even been to our house not even when DS was born (although at the time she was pregnant) so I gave that a pass. But now she's had the baby and he is now 1years old and still she hasn't been.


So am I missing something as all I seem to get is excuses of you live to far away ( and I think are you kidding I moved from. Scotland 4hours away to be here)
We live 34/40mins one way. So just over an hour max for an all round journey. So why can't they do this once every so often to see their grandchild/nephew .
I feel like my son is missing out here. As I see them post pictures of the 2 other grandchildren (sister in law's 2 children)
This makes me sad as at the start we would visit them every other weekend and do rounds of the family.

It's like they want everything on their doorstep and just don't make effort.
I really don't get it.
I have my dad in London coming up to visit to see DS and my mum coming down from Scotland to see my DS . So why can't my partner's family travel 1hour to see him.
I find it really unfair.
I have also told them on a number of occasions. Let me know if you would like DS to stay over or if you want to take him out. Just contact me and we can make arrangements and they never do.

I find it really odd and I really don't know what to do.

[FastWindow]

It sounds... Complicated. How often do you travel to theirs?

[Howdydoodee]

I didn't read your post I just read the title. That said it all to me. Whatever is happening it probably isn't right.

[Isetan]

Them not making the effort is their prerogative, it isn't a reflection of you or your son. The dynamic that exists between your partner's family and him probably predates your son but because you've only been around them since being pregnant and after giving birth, your seeing it.

Let go of the ideal that your partner's family want to be more involved than they are, it's their choice and ignore any of their bullshit that it isn't.

[mayhew]

Some people are lazy and apathetic about maintaining relationships. They only see their relatives when it involves minimal effort or there's something in it for them. You can't change them.

As a child I had relatives in the same small town I never saw, because they couldn't be arsed. They've probably always been like this. Maybe your partner idealised their potential interest in your new family because he hoped they'd be better to they actually are.

[Northernparent68]

It's hurtful but it's there loss, any I doubt your son will be effected. You do not miss what you never had, and to be honest I do not know many people who had good relationships with their grandparents.

[Josuk]

Post like this often pop up and mostly they strike me as strange.
As if people try to prove something to someone.
You moved for your child and your partner - and it sounds like you now expect others (his parents) to be greatful to you. And in a way you find appropriate.

If your child's relationship with grand parents were important to you (actual relationship, not some sort of "paying you back" for moving) - you'd be visiting those grand parents and making an effort yourself.
Your Sister in law was pregnant - and even then - you commented on her not visiting.... And said sil now has 2 children - and again - your comments were only taking your side into account.

I don't know what your in-laws situation is and why it is hard for them to visit. Old people can be like that - things take effort. They have a right for that....

You can make it all about you and your pride/hurt feelings. And compare different family members. My guess - that won't lead to anything positive.....

Think about what's best for your child and do that.

[SandyY2K]

Some families just aren't so close. When my DD was one, I was having a party and invited the family.

My BIL said "how old is she again?"

I can understand loosing count after a few years (although I know the ages of my 10 nieces and nephews), but after a year! !

My DHs family sometimes don't recognise each others kids. It's shameful.

[MelsMam]

People are selfish. It's their loss, ultimately.

[Dina1234]

My BIL travels and hour and a half to see us, my SIL travels 2 1/2, my father travels 24 hours to see us. You in laws are just shitty as far as families go.

[Nadinexo1]

I was in a similar situation. moved to the same town as in laws and took kids to see them every single weekend and still do and they only ever come if I have the kids bday parties at home. SIL has probably been to my house once this year and she lives 8 mins away. I still take the kids to parents in laws weekly but they are old enough now to notice that they don't ever come to our house and to be honest I've left it at that. it's their loss and at least my kids know I make the effort. I'm making sure my kids have some sort or relationship with them and once they're older it's up to them to go themselves if they want to.

[DollFace13]

Excuse me!
I have not made this all about me or want some sort of payback for me moving. I was merely stating my point of view and what i have done to make effort with them.
Like stated in my post. We make effort every weekend until recently as we were not getting anything back.
Also FYI these are not old grandparents

[DollFace13]

@josuk that post was for

[beingsunny]

Do these in laws still work?
I know that if I were coming home from work the last thing I'd want to do would be sit in traffic to visit at witching hour. That leaves weekends,people are busy, with friends, hobbies, other family members and even just a rest.

[Josuk]

OP - exactly....
What are you expecting to 'get back' from the grandparents????

If is it about your child relationship with them - then that relationship is what you 'get back'....

If it's about some idea of how it should be - based on YOUR expectation of what is due - then yes, it's about YOU.

Sorry. This is how your post (and many other similar posts) sound.
GP don't owe you anything. It'd be nice if they made more of an effort.
Sure.

But given that that's not how it turned it - it's under your control how you child's relationship turns out. You can be offended and stay away; or be the one who thinks of her child first....

(Same philosophy I employ for play dates for my kids - I do them for MY kids. Invite people over. And don't care, don't pay attention to the return invites.... Etc)

[Mrscropley]

We lived ten mins form my Inlaws and they never bothered with their one and only gc. .
Unfortunately you can't force people to be decent family members. .
Enjoy the fact you don't have the mil /fil of many mners and enjoy your dc. .
Their loss.

[DollFace13]

@beingsunny
Yes they work as do I.
I understand everyone has stuff going on but I am talking about every once in a while. Once a month or two. But to never come over is pretty shocking especially as we go over to see them. I have now stopped this as it's always us making the effort.
If they don't want to come over then that's fine it's them who miss out. I've tried and I'm pretty Sick and tired now.

[DollFace13]

@josuk
At the end of the day its them who lose out. I have tried and I'm pretty Sick and tired of doing all the effort.
Yes I do it for my son but I'm not gonna force them to see him.
So I'll leave them too it now. They make time for everything else in Thier lives bar our son. So it's pretty obvious they can't be arsed

[Josuk]

That's the thing, OP - in the YOU-centered universe, yes, GPs lose out. You win, you've shown them...

In real life - it's your son that loses out to your pride and sense of what's fair, and how GPs should spend their time.

As parents, we all must understand that our children are the most important things in this world - BUT only to US, parents.

So, as I said before. It's simple.
Your choice, really:

Choice A...
Your wounded pride (and effort) = your son gets to have his grandparents in his life, and make some memories while they are around.

Choice B....
Your sense of 'it's NOT FAIR', 'it's their loss' = your son doesn't get to have these GPs in his life in a meaningful way.

Life isn't fair. Unfortunately. You can only play with the cards you've been dealt.
Good luck.

[foxwhojumpedoverthebar]

Are you a grandparent Josuk?

MN is a strange place, op is saying she tries and tries with her Dad's grandparents and they don't reciprocate, but you think she's the one being selfish?

[foxwhojumpedoverthebar]

*Ds's grandparents not dads

[WhereYouLeftIt]

What does your partner say about his parents' attitude Doll?

[Josuk]

FoxWho - I said that the OP sounds self centred as is expecting others to reciprocate in the way OP thinks is appropriate and fair to HER.
The way she keeps going on about all the things SHE does and how she is not getting anything back, as if she is owed something.

I am not a grandparent. I am a parent. And I put my kids first and care little about fairness to me.
So - in OP's situation, if I thought that I want kids to have a relationship with GPs - that's exactly what I'd do. I'd orhestrate meeting those GPs, and not counted how often said GPs reciprocated. Because that would have been less important to me - since the goal is MY DC spending time with them, somehow, somewhere.

I do exactly that with my kids and play dates. Don't care, don't pay attention to invites back. I invite kids for MY DC to play with, to have a good time. Simple.
Life is too short to waste it on attempting to make it all fair.

[Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown]

While I agree Josuk, that it's not about wanting back what you do for others, I think life is too short to spend it with people who don't want to spend it with you. I suspect Op feels lonely, having moved across the country and now doesn't have any of her friends and family around her.

Maybe your partner could take the dc to his parents Op?

[DollFace13]

Josuk.

Please get off your high horse and stop trying to act so perfect. I do EVERYTHING for my child. Including moving across from where my life was so my child could be apart of his father's life and his families
I am far from self centered. I was merely stating that I have tried and tried with them. I even said make arrangements where I go to them (even though I do not drive and they all do)

I don't expect anything anymore from that side of the family as they are all selfish. If they don't make effort to see my son. Then fine . I'm not gonna force them. My son will make his own mind up when he is old enough. He will also know that I tried everything to get the family together and failed. I'm not gonna put him around people who clearly don't make effort for him.

End of

[DollFace13]

@dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown Thank you for your post.
At times yes I do feel lonely but my DS keeps me on my toes .
And you are right. Why should people spend time with people who make no effort or doesn't want too.