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Still not over him

(24 Posts)
Rosey83 Fri 18-Aug-17 20:34:45

It's been a year since Iv split up with my ex. It was the most passionate intense exciting fun relationship Iv ever been in. It lasted 5 years off and on. Due to different things we could never live together as all we did was argue, I felt he was irresponsible with important matters and I have a young daughter who has to come first. It finally gotten to the stage I accepted I could never settle down with this man although he is fun and passionate he lacks the stability and security I need - I felt I couldn't be vulnerable with him as I was always the stronger one.

As I say it's been over a year and we still meet up every other week to see each other, we both love each other and have an incredible passion but he's just one of these Peter Pan guys who's dosnt want to grow up.

My question is why can't I let go when I know I don't want to settle down with him ?

Any perspective is greatly appreciated as I have bored my friends to tears talking about him
Thanks

highinthesky Fri 18-Aug-17 20:42:09

Why can't you let go? Because you've built a fantasy around him, even though you know he's no good for you.

Stop prolonging the agony. The only answer is to go cold turkey and get on with your life without him.

Rosey83 Fri 18-Aug-17 20:54:39

Yes your right ! But why is it so hard ? I consider myself a very strong person but I can't seem to let him go- Iv tried to move on etc
Surely if something feels that good how can it be a bad thing?
So confused

anxiousnow Fri 18-Aug-17 22:10:07

Is your daughter his?

Cloudyapples Fri 18-Aug-17 22:18:08

You can't let go because you still see him all the time - you need to cut contact for a while and give yourself time to move on

SandyY2K Fri 18-Aug-17 22:18:10

You can't let him go, because you haven't met anyone else.

Rosey83 Sat 19-Aug-17 07:47:52

No the child isn't his so it's not like I need to see him I just want to
- going to be honest the sex is mind blowing

something2say Sat 19-Aug-17 07:59:48

Are you still sleeping together then? Hehe x

I agree with poster above. Stop all contact.

forumdonkey Sat 19-Aug-17 13:54:46

You'll never find Mr Right while you're still with Mr Wrong, and he isn't the only amazing passionate man out there.

SonicBoomBoom Sat 19-Aug-17 14:03:59

You still aren't "over him" because you're still in a relationship with him.

It's quite simple, you need to go no contact and move on.

Or, keep doing what you're doing, if that's what you want.

Rosey83 Sat 19-Aug-17 14:59:51

You are all very correct but easier said than done, I just have to be very strong now

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 19-Aug-17 15:03:03

Have you dated anyone else since you officially split up? You meet up every other week so I suppose you barely have time to.

Rosey83 Sat 19-Aug-17 15:09:10

Well yes and no Iv been on dates and been put off and go back to him

I know I need to give myself time

Has anyone else had this intense connection with someone? I'm curious as it seems too good to give up

lasttimeround Sat 19-Aug-17 15:17:54

So you just demoted from girlfriend to fuckbuddy no wonder you aren't over him. Stop sleeping with him stop seeing him.

lasttimeround Sat 19-Aug-17 15:18:39

It's intense because you put all this emotional anguish in the way.

Rossy10 Sat 19-Aug-17 15:24:11

It goes both ways though

I mean it's intense when we see each other in a good way - passionate etc

Do you mean I'm mis directing my emotions?

WWYD17 Sat 19-Aug-17 15:24:45

Rosey, I really sympathise. I had a incredibly passionate half relationship that was off and on for years. And I was gutted when he met someone else for good.

But I learned that he wasn't the only person I could connect to in that way. Of course no two connections are the same but once I let go of him and opened myself up to something and someone else, he quickly became history.

Now I just have fond memories of the good times but would never go back for all the tea in china.

Rossy10 Sat 19-Aug-17 15:29:09

Thank you

I know you are all right I just need to stop giving into my ego and have more will power

lasttimeround Sat 19-Aug-17 15:33:14

I think when your on and off or are just being 'friends' and occasionally fall into bed together there's a lot of will there/won't there uncertainty which = adrenaline and excitement and everything feels very passionate and intense. That's fine if you want that but if it's run its course and you want to turn that into something more stable (as you seem to) but he won't let that happen. Then you need to move on. The intensity isn't a sign of your soul mate or a special connection. Now it's a ramped up drama because that feels naughty and exciting - which again is fine - except you say you've outgrown that phase and want something more. You can't get that from him as you have discovered (and just continuing this intense phase doesn't change that outcome) and you aren't open to getting it from anyone else as long as this is still going on.

SonicBoomBoom Sat 19-Aug-17 15:34:38

Has anyone else had this intense connection with someone? I'm curious as it seems too good to give up

You think you are the only person who has had great sex and chemistry with someone who wasn't right long-term for them? hmm

Orangecake123 Sat 19-Aug-17 17:40:18

You need to cut him out of your life. It's so much harder if you're still meeting up with him every odd week. If he was so great you would be together, but you know it's not right.

Take small steps. Delete his number and remove him from all social contacts. Then do not contact him for 30 days and that includes the fact that it might be his birthday. Will it hurt? Yes- but you're stronger than you think you are.

One day you will honestly wake up and he will not be the first thing you think about and then you'll barely even remember him and that is when you will know you're truly over him. It took me over a year to get over someone- i'm not ashamed just proved that I could love deeply. That's all. You just need time, 30 days will turn into 45 and 60.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sat 19-Aug-17 17:43:10

Google "limerence" OP and see if any of it resonates.

Viviennemary Sat 19-Aug-17 17:45:58

You won't get over him if you keep meeting up. Nobody is going to match up to him while he is still in your life. If you are so passionate about him why not give it another go and accept his faults. Or let go completely.

Bluebelle38 Sat 19-Aug-17 21:41:47

I was in a similar situation, but 10 years on/off. He was charming, charasmatic but looking back Also very selfish and immature only I was too blind to see it.

If you were going to work out you'd be together. Don't waste your life on this man. He's clearly not the one for you but will use you as long as you let him.

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