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DD;s boyfriend's overbearing Mother

(23 Posts)
lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:01:47

My daughter has arranged for herself and bf to have a short trip to Amsterdam 2 weeks before Xmas.
BM (boyfriends mother) left a voicemail telling DD she was being irresponsible for taking a break that close to xmas
I am bewildered as to why this is irresponsible but thats by the by. What I am worried about is the gigantic red banner of a warning sign about this woman and her seeming lack of boundaries regarding what her son and his girlfriend can and cannot do in a calendar.
i have outlined my concerns to DD and don't expect her to ignore this. She has previously ignored his two occasions of cheating. The last occasion the girl involved contacted DD via internet to share the information.
Of course i gave the run away advice but not much else I can do. Is there?

Ladyformation Fri 18-Aug-17 12:04:30

How old is your daughter?

It's her life, and the best thing you can do is provide a sensitive ear when she does want to talk or ask for advice.

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:13:32

She is 24. My sensitive ear seems to have developed tinitus recently given his behaviour but you are right. I have to sit on my hands and not turn into a harridan but all I see is a tunnel that she is wandering into and I want to stop her. And she is an adult, leading her own life. I think I will hope she sees what is going on around her.

sophiepotato Fri 18-Aug-17 12:14:41

"I have outlined my concerns to DD and don't expect her to ignore this."

If by this you mean that you will be angry with her if she does let it go then the BF's mother is not the only one with a lack of boundaries...

missmollyhadadolly Fri 18-Aug-17 12:24:48

I think OP meant 'I expect her to ignore this.'

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:25:19

Sorry, meant to say" I expect she will ignore this."
sophiepotato is it unboundaried to be concerned?

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:26:24

mismollyhadadolly thanks for that. or even I expect she will ignore this something along those lines.
Just worried.

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:28:46

But, at 24 we make shitty decisions. Just like I made and I remember paying shag all attention to what anyone said. Something I have reminded myself of over the last few days, and suddenly feel very sorry for my poor old mum.
God, I made some unholy fuck ups. however, I can't help spooling forwards 10 years and feeling my guts drop

MorrisZapp Fri 18-Aug-17 12:31:05

Unless the mother is Dolores Umbridge she's unlikely to be much of a factor in your DDs decisions. The cheating is a much worse red flag but the agony of parenting young adults is that they have to make their own mistakes.

Does your dd live at home?

emilybrontescorset Fri 18-Aug-17 12:32:55

Op I feel for you.
Alas I don't think there's much else you can do,

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:34:04

'MorrisZapp question 1...who is Dolores Umbridge please?
Yes to the cheating as being not a good sign post of his level of commitment or view of women as a whole
She has just moved out and thankfully they don't live together. he still lives at home and doesn't seem to be in a rush to move out.
And I didn't realise that I am still parenting her in some ways and that it is a Krypton Factor assasult course.

KickthewallonSalthillprom Fri 18-Aug-17 12:37:48

My son has a weird MIL ( Hope my DIL doesnt feel the same)
He tries to ignore her weirdness as much as possible but has occasionally had words when she criticises my DGD.
At first I was a little concerned about the way she attempted to interfere in their lives and influence their decisions. Not so much now as both of them unite to tell her to back off. My strategy has always been to ask my DS how does he think the best way to handle her in this situation is. He's the type of person to consider a few angles and then make the decision on how to move forward.
Would your DD challenge this woman's behaviour. Even just to remark that how unacceptable it is to criticise her travel plans.

MorrisZapp Fri 18-Aug-17 12:40:00

Dolores Umbridge is an ocean going bitch hiding behind a simpering smile, in Harry Potter smile

My bf when I was 24 doesn't bear contemplation. What was I thinking? No wonder my mum has grey hair.

MrsJayy Fri 18-Aug-17 12:40:30

Dds Exs mother was like that she once said to Dd that she shoulddrive back from a thing because she didn't want him driving in the dark (I shit you not) and there was other stuff that im not going to share, the ex was a nice enough person they were together 7 years so it was upsetting when they split but he was very spoiled and i am glad they didn't live togetjer

MrsJayy Fri 18-Aug-17 12:44:01

Fwiw there is not a lot you can say to a 24yrold that will change their mind about somebody frustrating as we can see it but they can't or won't see it.

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:45:48

Ah right. Morris. That clears it up.
I shudder when I think of my carry on at 24 and gives me hope that she'll cop on in a bit and clear out.
KickthewallonSalthillprom I was in Galway only the other week but the road out to Spiddal no longer winds past Leisure land and the Prom which used to be the most exciting sight in the world!
In answer to your question, DD might give her a head tilt and a death stare which might put the whole issue to bed. My gut tells me BF will say not very much. Mores the pity.

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:47:35

MrsJayy its a sod isn't it?
i don't know if she loves him really. He doesn't seem to be the love of her life as such which makes me wonder if she is settling for It'll do for Now. I shant waste anymore energy on it. Hope it will pass and she puts it all down to experience.

MrsJayy Fri 18-Aug-17 12:51:00

Total sod Dd was engaged it got quite messy which was a real shame she seems ok now but she isn't a big talker so i have to guessher mood and happiness sad

lolaflores Fri 18-Aug-17 12:54:17

MrsJayy, snap! Mine is not a talker either. Then something happens and its a volcano erupting over me. Her dad and I haven't been together since she was two and he has been less than useless (refer to my poor decisions at 24. Not her but him, The lying, cheating swine, though I keep that opinion of him to myself)
As a rule I listen, profer a tentative opinion but this has made me do a bit of a mad dance which I hope won't shut her down but I do deserve to be heard at least, don't I?

Ginlovinglady Fri 18-Aug-17 17:36:07

I'd be more worried that's she's willing to stay with someone that cheated twice at that she. Kids/mortgage/10 years married. I might be able to understand a choice to stay.
Sounds like she's not got much self esteem atm. Not saying it's anything to do with you! More likely him.
It's a tough situation for you. My mum was very sad about how I felt in my abusive relationship, she never said anything and she didn't know the half of it.
But all I can say is always be on her side. I think the mil is not the issue here imo

Ginlovinglady Fri 18-Aug-17 17:36:39

Ugh sentences should read if she was...

Ginlovinglady Fri 18-Aug-17 17:37:19

Fucking hell. If it was kids/ etc

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Aug-17 18:14:12

My daughter had a relationship with a useless piece of work and left the area to get away from him. Now she can only talk about him with her head in her hands as she has no idea what the hell she was doing going out with someone who was so disrespectful and who clearly didn't love her.

I say this often on here (heard it first on here, too) - tell your daughter to play the film to the end. How will she feel the third time he cheats? She can't say he won't do it as he did it a second time. What about a fourth? What if one of the women has a baby? What if SHE had a baby and that MIL was in her face the whole time? What if she had a baby and her boyfriend was unfaithful?

She really needs to think it through. She's in for a lot of pain if she stays with him.

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