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More of a wwyd than an aibu, friendship run its course(35 Posts)
My friend has always been quite bossy and demanding. She's also very insensitive at times, she will say mean things then follow it up straight away with 'you know I dont mean it that way' or I'm joking but u know what I mean' etc
She has regularly slated my little girl, comparing her to her own stepdaughter who she dislikes immensely, telling me my little girl is going to be trouble and used the word bitch when talking about her dsd in the context of comparing the two girls.
She's told me my hair looks shit when I've walked into a lunch date with her and several others, many of whom I did not know and so many little things over the years, she's quite controlling, I gave her lots of time when her dh left her recently, she was devastated, I supported her then she just became more and more in need of my time and carried on being insensitive so I started distancing myself, things like slating people with mental health issues whilst knowing I have mh issues, using Daily Fail and Express sound bites to disparage my political leanings which may seem petty but she was basically doing it to upset me. She also rubbished my new business calling my stuff crap (all in jest of course), saying she can get better elsewhere (then coming to me later to buy from me and try to piggy back my event whilst expecting me to take all responsibility and make all the financial outlay.
Tried to railroad me into a holiday I could never afford (we're both single parents but she is a high earner with one child whereas I'm disabled with two kids on a low wage) I said no to the holiday but she kept on asking me saying she needed something to look forward to. I'd never want to go on holiday with her as find her too suffocating.
she really upset me the day after I'd dealt with some sensitive bereavement stuff, knowing what I'd been thru she sent me a text letting me know something I didn't need to know at that time (she knew it would upset me more) I replied telling her it was thoughtless and unnecessary. She said she hadn't meant it that way and would never intentionally hurt me.
Anyway, for me that was the last straw and a perfect time for me to end our friendship.
I stopped responding to her altogether, she carried on messaging and phoning. I either took days to respond or ignored her altogether.
She started sending me messages telling me how brilliant I am , offering me gifts etc , I'd either ignore or politely refuse but she hasn't stopped.
She's not getting the message so I feel I have to spell it out 'I don't want to be your friend anymore' she has just messaged me today saying she's got some bits for my little girl.
I don't know how to respond. I don't want to drag it out any more and just want it cut and dried but at the same time don't want a big confrontation: she's never wrong and is quite tenacious.
I just don't want that kind of person in my life anymore, she makes me feel crap whether intentionally or not.
The icing on the cake is that we are both meant to be going out tomorrow night in a larger group of friends. I really want to go but I don't want her to think we're pally and go back into her usual mode of belittling me or thinking we're still bezzies.
So , what would you do in my position?
I'd carry on ignoring her. You might have to block her.
Can you arrange another night with a couple of your other friends?
YANBU. Text her something along the lines of below and then don't engage with her again.
'Friend, our friendship is no longer working for me. We have grown apart and are very different people. I think a friendship should bring people happiness, but we clearly can't be the friend each of us expects the other to be. I wish you all the best but I need to draw a line under this now. Goodbye.'
Thanks for your suggestions, I might go with the text response.
another mutual friend arranged this night out, mutual friend (mf) and some others had also distanced themselves from ex friend (XF) but never told me why as I was still close friends with her. MF messaged me and asked if I fancied a night out on sat, I joyfully agreed then she set up a group and invited loads of people including XF. All the other people are people I like and would have fun with but...you know...XF
Another gripe (there's loads) I was working at a public event, I had lots of customers queuing up and she tried to foist stepdaughter on o me as my 'helper', SD didn't want to help and they argued publicly and she tried to drag me into their argument.
She will also walk into my house steaming about exH in front of the kids regardless of what's happening in the house at the time, sorry, so many things, it's claustrophobic and I've enjoyed not having her around.
Did mutual friend invite ex friend for your sake?
I would let MF know that you are no longer friends.
It would probably be a bit mean to disinvite ex friend now, but at least she may not be invited in future.
If you want to go tonight then go anyway.
Any time she tries to put you down just tell her to stop it as it's upsetting you.
If she says 'well you know what I mean'
Just say 'yes I do and it's still upsetting me'
Repeat ever time she tries to put you down.
If you need to let her know more permanently then just say 'I assume you put me down so much to try to make yourself feel better because I don't understand it otherwise!'
If you can't tell her any of this, any time she tries to put you down, turn around and move away and ignore.
Hi missmolly I have no idea, I know XF was gutted about another night out where nobody invited her so she probably incited her because of this. We're a mixed group, some closer friends with others and while I've taken a backseat with XF she seems to have been building on these relationships with the others.
I originally was desperate for her to make more friends but now I'm hoist by my own petard!
I would go out because I wouldn't like her putting across her story to your other friends. But I would distance yourself from her there.
If she starts putting you down shut it down immediately. If she responds with "it was a joke" etc. just say something like "and yet you still haven't realised that you're not funny or than I'm not laughing. Amuse someone else with your jokes". You'll look back on this and wish you was firmer so start to be that firmer and stronger person now.
She sounds dreadful OP. What do your other friends think of her?
I think you will have to send a text for this one. I don't think she's going to take the hint. But I'd wait until after the night out if I were you (if you go). Otherwise the atmosphere will be awful for everyone.
My other friends weren't keen but she's grown on them, she's v good at asking for support and getting it.
Yes maybe I should wait until after night out, I have just got fed up with her keep popping up, wish she'd get the hint and just back off! Looks like I'm going to have to be more upfront.
I can end romantic and sexual relationships but I've never had to end a friendship before!
littlemoos I wish I'd been more assertive in the past about this. TBH I spent much of my time with her asserting myself or ignoring then her marriage ended and I became more available and pliable. I was v supportive and disparaging of her exH then she showed him all my angry responses to her revelations about him, this made it awkward for me especially when I still see him in the street or when he's collected their son from my house.
I've also been tricked into looking after her dsd when id only agreed to her boy.
Dsd is completely messed up due to the dynamics in all the parental relationships and is bloody hard work, she doesn't know if she's coming or going and all the adults in her life are taking much less responsibility than she needs
. XF did give me money too have both kids for the day (I had to do day trips as keeping them home would have been too much for all of us!)
Another friend is not keen on another woman in the group (ffs you would not think we're all middle aged would you? )
So we're going to meet up separately and go in mob handed
Good plan! Enjoy your evening and try to dilute her with other people. Then send her a text in a little while and say that it´s time to call it a day.
I was thinking about this earlier, because I remember an incident in my early teens when my mother was going to tell a friend of hers that she was going to terminate the friendship. I thought she was really mean at the time, but I remember her saying that she didn´t want to be her friend and she´d been trying to give the hint for some time and she just wasn´t getting it, so she had to say it straight. As an adult, I can see why she did it, and I also quite admire her strength in doing so.
sonjadog thank you for helping me to feel validated. I'm not comfortable with cutting people off, especially as have estranged family members etc, I don't want my kids to think I'm randomly ejecting people from our lives.
I'm only learning boundaries and assertiveness in my middle years, I've let people walk all over me and am only just learning my value and worth.
I want my kids to see that you can end things that aren't comfortable or that make you feel bad (partly ended my marriage so that kids would know you don't have to stay somewhere you're unhappy).
She sounds toxic! Very controlling. So she puts you down, treats you like crap but then when you distance yourself she's showering you with gifts?! If this was a relationship, everyone would be saying LTB! I would contact a friend you are close to about the night out and explain what's going on. I doubt you'll be able to do much before tomorrow but I think you need to spell it out to her then block her.
faithagain yes exactly, so toxic, tried to over rule me so many times on several things, it was just easier to acquiesce, and making me feel crap, slating my child etc yes I should have stood up to her earlier, I'm not known for my quick reactions to shitty behaviour...
The latest things, trying to make me compromise my professionalism and risk my reputation as well as being a gleeful bearer of bad news just made me decide enough is enough.
all of a sudden compliments and gifts is bizarre, knowing I was angry with her and ignoring her it's strange and desperate behaviour.
Think I will share the info gradually with mutual friends. My own friends who aren't linked to her are absolutely in agreement : Ditch her sorry arse!
Based on what you say in other posts, it sounds like you've had a really tough time? Problems with family, unhappy marriage? Some people are like vampires, latching on to vulnerable people, putting them down in order to feel better about themselves. Now that you're resisting, she's putting on the charm offensive to try and win you back. You deserve so much more than this! Stick with your friends who support you and cut this woman off. Block her number! You can still be civil if you meet with mutual friends but you don't have to engage with her otherwise.
Thank you yes I have had a really shitty time for a few years, a lot of scary things have happened which resulted in my having a breakdown which lasted a long time.
I'm trying to rebuild myself and my life and be a role model for my kids. I want to eliminate everything that is negative altho I understand it might not always be possible there are some things I can control and toxic relationships is one of the things I can stop.
She has a job where you'd expect a lot more compassion and kindness as well as insight.
Oh gosh, you've been through so much. Good on you for making the best choices for you and your children, running your own business. You don't need someone like this in your life, you need encouraging and building up.
Thank you FaithAgain I agree! All the best to you
Update: so just about everyone cancelled including my wing woman so I bailed too,MF messsged with saying she doesn't want to just be her and XF, I said she'd been winding me up so I don't want o spend eve with her.
As soon as XF found out I had bailed she called MF crying saying I'd only bailed cos of her and she's been trying to extend the hand of friendship etc then messaged me to say she knew I wasn't going cos of her & that she'd made one misjudged comment but apologised...
MF messaged me to tell me that then said she doesn't want to get involved.
I replied to XF: a message basic and clear: it wasn't one comment it was several and the last straw, probably stupidly gave two big examples (re my child and mental health) . I was factual and said I don't want to be friends anymore.
she's been bombarding me with messages ever since, I only see the headlines then delete them, basically saying how her life is crumbling, how loyal she is and she didn't know I held on to stuff then minimising what she'd said etc etc I'm just ignoring now, think it has upset MF too.
I'm normally the easygoing one and don't often defend myself, I just tend to withdraw so this wil possibly upse our circle
You're entitled to be friends with or not be friends with whomever you choose so your XF will just have to deal with that. You've told her you don't want to be friends and if I were you I'd just block her now. Your MF doesn't really have any reason from your end to be upset so far as I can see.
Well they just have to get used to the new you! Well done!
Well done, OP! Now don´t go feeling sorry for her and caving to her demands...
Aw thanks folks, I don't feel sorry for her, she should know better especially given her role etc, I just feel bad about making the group awkward but at the same time I'm looking forward to moving forward with my life and letting go of things that make me feel worth less
I think I will block now as don't want to be on the end of one of her emotional diatribes, I've heard her writing them to others and guess I can expect one of her letters at some point...
I am very slow to react to stuff sometimes, I'm not the most discerning when people are simultaneously nice and nasty, She said I didn't give any clue, I've been ignoring her for over a month, we were in touch nearly daily before and I told her I was pissed off before the ignoring...
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