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Normal or not?

(83 Posts)
Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:26:55

Just wanting some honest views on aspects of Dp's behaviour towards me. A few examples

1.Reading my messages on phone. Wouldn't bother me particularly but would rather he told me as when he reads the unread ones I don't see them highlighted and miss them iyswim
2.Telling me I don't need my handbag when out for the day (actually do need it had to remind him I keep DD inhaler when we go out)
3.Telling me I use too much toothpaste
4.Similarly that I shouldn't put the shower on while I get undressed, should wait untill I have got in
5.Where to put water bottle in compartment on side of passengers door, as in 'dont put it there, move it to there'
6.Taking receipt out of my bag then quizzing me on what I had for lunch (disapproves of diet coke)
7.Asking me what I am eating on a regular basis when he sees me having something
Coming into kitchen as soon as I go in there
8.Turned him down for sex one night after he woke me up. He said he would do it anyway. I said no again. Nothing further happened
9When frustrated saying things like 'im going to break X in a minute' referring to whatever he is holding or trying to deal with. He has never been physically violent with me but have seen him kick or stand on things
10.Regularly saying "are you in a mood" when he picks up on me not being as I would normally be.
11. Saying I have my showers too hot

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being over sensitive so wanting to know which of these would bother others or not. I know some of them seem more of an issue than others

Cricrichan Thu 17-Aug-17 11:28:30

Not normal. Controlling.

hesterton Thu 17-Aug-17 11:29:22

The threat to rape you is most certainly not normal.

ImperialBlether Thu 17-Aug-17 11:29:31

Oh god, he's awful! I couldn't live with someone like that. That is not normal behaviour.

ImperialBlether Thu 17-Aug-17 11:29:55

None of it is normal! Who the hell is he to tell her how hot her shower should be?!

Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:31:03

Ok I am being daft here but specifically on the bag/toothpaste/shower stuff is that just irritating?

troodiedoo Thu 17-Aug-17 11:33:33

You are not by a long shot being over sensitive. You've listed a lot of red flags, please listen to them.

ImperialBlether Thu 17-Aug-17 11:39:18

Look, OP, that level of involvement in someone else's life isn't right at all. What does it matter to him if you carry a bag? You're not asking him to carry it, are you? You're not complaining when you're carrying it, are you?

And the toothpaste - how does he even know how much you use? Why would he care? If you used three times what someone else would use, surely they would just say, "Gosh, you use a lot of toothpaste" or say nothing at all, knowing everyone has different ways of doing things.

If you are on a water meter and a really tight budget, I can see a conversation where you both agree to have very short showers. If you're not in that position, why does he care?

I've just read The Missing Wife by Sheila O'Flanagan, which describes exactly the sort of man you're dealing with.

KinkyAfro Thu 17-Aug-17 11:40:17

Fuck no, he sounds awful, how long have you been together? I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for his behaviour to escalate..because it will

LemonDrizzle69 Thu 17-Aug-17 11:41:22

The bag/toothpaste/shower stuff isn't 'just' irritating, it's also weird! Everything you have said is very controlling behaviour.
It has nothing to do with him how hot your shower is (mine are very hot, always turn it down when I'm done so I don't melt DP if he's showering after!) Also how are you meant to get in the shower and then turn it on? Who does this? You'd freeze!
Don't know what to suggest, but definitely not normal.

Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:42:16

No not asking him to carry anything. I like my bag, even though it's mostly full of rubbish feel a bit lost without it.

Getting ready he sees how much toothpaste I use

No water meter. On a bit of a budget but we aren't desperate.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Aug-17 11:42:21

You call him DP and not DH so I'm assuming you aren't married.
I'm hoping you don't have kids with him
So....
RUN, THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

HeadingHome Thu 17-Aug-17 11:42:32

Sounds so much like my ex. Leave now.

Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:43:03

Been together nearly ten years

seven201 Thu 17-Aug-17 11:44:45

It's not normal. Couples may have the occasional 'why do you use so much toothpaste/water?' type squabble, but a lot of what you list is not squabble material. He sounds incredibly controlling.

Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:45:21

Pregnant with Dd2 but not married.

PinkMoony Thu 17-Aug-17 11:45:58

It's all very controlling. If he said, please could put the bottle there because eg, it's not secure there, or it might leak there's because (reason) then as a one off that's not too bad but I could feel my stomach tighten reading your list of stuff he does. You must be on eggshells

Onlyonce Thu 17-Aug-17 11:46:04

That's what I meant Seven, what would be a normal squabble and what isn't

Popchyk Thu 17-Aug-17 11:48:40

Specifically on the bag/toothpaste/shower thing, it is absolutely fuck all to do with him.

Why should you do these things HIS way rather than the way YOU want to do them? They don't even affect him.

Have you ever instructed him to leave his phone at home when he comes out the house with it? Ever told him that his showers are too cold? Told him that he needs to use more toothpaste?

Of course you haven't. Because they are nothing to do with you. And most people would neither notice nor care about these things, far less insist that another person should adapt their behaviour.

RatherBeRiding Thu 17-Aug-17 11:48:44

You do know it's so far from normal that its totally abnormal, right? And seriously controlling?

I see you have a DD - what is he like with her?

I also see you have been together for 10 years so I assume he's always been very controlling. I'd not put up with it. I'd certainly put a lock on my phone, anyone helping themselves to it to read my messages would give me the rage.

You seem fairly conditioned to this behaviour though, and it is obviously ingrained so short of spelling it out to him, with the ultimatum of leaving if he doesn't change his ways (and then leaving when he doesn't, which he won't), I have no advice.

user1488575338 Thu 17-Aug-17 11:50:11

Wow, I'm speechless and that doesn't happen very often. The fact you have to ask shows you are conditioned to his fucked-up controlling ways. Everything on that list is unacceptable, some more so than others.

How the hell do you live like this?? It sounds so grim. I feel suffocated just reading it.

Mustang27 Thu 17-Aug-17 11:52:06

Could he potentially be on the spectrum so things like needing a bottle to be put in a certain place, toothpaste, shower things as they are all a bit odd.

However telling you he was just going to sleep with you anyway, reading your texts, questioning what you eat and policing you in the kitchen they are more than controlling it's abusive.

Do you think your relationship is worth saving? I'd recommend therapy if so although there is a lot of alarm bells in your op that would make me worry for you.

Ellapaella Thu 17-Aug-17 11:52:34

None of what you have described is normal. He is controlling everything you do right down to where you put your water bottle ffs! What happens if you tell him to back off and keep his opinions to himself? Does he get angry? Or have you not done that because you are frightened of how he would react?

Rainybo Thu 17-Aug-17 12:00:35

Reading your list actually physically gave me the anxiety feeling in my stomach that I used to have with ex-H, who was also controlling in the way you describe, although I think your DP is worse.

I found my ex got worse with my pregnancies. Things like, the hoovering must be done every day all the carpeted areas and so cue me dragging a huge hoover up the stairs every day at 8 months pregnant.

Would make my packed lunches, without ever asking what I would like. Had to have same as him. I never take packed sandwiches now.

It's so insidious, you feel it's normal. You even start to feel that you are abnormal that they are just 'being caring'. The fact you are asking on here shows that has happened for you.

What would happen if you refused any of his requests?

Please trust yourself and take care.

chatty1234 Thu 17-Aug-17 12:04:09

Controlling with a capital C.... I'd be gone out that door in a flash

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