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On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!(193 Posts)
Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!
That is not normal behaviour and puts you in a massively awkward position with your parents. Have they said anything? Is he always like this?
I'd tell him to fuck off home and let the rest of you enjoy your holiday. Ask him why he feels he has a right to ruin it for others.
He's always moody. He can be the perfect gentleman, but only if things are going his way. Otherwise he can be horrific. That's how he gets his way in business and home. It's easier to tow the line for others I think!
Take him off for a walk, just the two of you and talk to him. This can't go on.
Send him home.
Continue the holiday with your kids and your parents, have a great time, and when you get home have a serious think about what message letting him treating you like that is giving your children.
Would you want your DDs to marry men who behaved like that?!
Can you have a few days out without him. If it's stress related maybe he needs to be alone for a few days.
This isn't normal, far from it. Is he close to a nervous breakdown? Time for a long talk - please don't put up with this horrible behaviour and what a terrible role model for the girls too.
I would send him packing and continue the holiday without him dragging you all down with him.
Re your comment:-
"I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress"
No, this is due to him being moody and aggressive in nature and thus abusive towards you. He has likely been abusive towards you now for some considerable time, years perhaps. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people over time.
Being moody works for him. Its another abusive tactic of power and control that he can and has used against you effectively. It does work because all the attention is then focused on him.
Your DDs cannot afford to learn that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships. How would you feel if they were in a relationship with someone just like their dad is now towards you?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. This is no legacy to leave them.
My guess too is that he can control himself around other people at work and functions there perfectly well. He like many abusive men is plausible to those in the outside world. He is therefore choosing to be like this around you. Such men really do hate women, all of them.
When you do return to the UK I would seek legal advice for your own self re separating from this individual. Womens Aid are also worth contacting as well.
Crikey, with your parents there giving loads of help he should be a very happy man indeed. Instead he's ruining everyone's fun and causing a horrible atmosphere.
I guess mostly he's at work so you don't have to deal with his crap. Holidays can highlight problems, I'd pay attention to this one.
When I say aggression, I mean he regularly swears at me and shouts. If I try to reply or stand up for myself, he tells me to f-off and leave him alone or I'll make things worse. This rage from him can be caused by something so minor. He tells me the look on my face often makes him angry (wtf!)
His business is hugely successful. He doesn't own it but is a director. It's a multi million pound company.
My little girl told me yesterday "mummy, sometimes I think you're not being yourself when daddy is around..it's like you're pretending to be happy to make him happy..and you always tell us to be true to ourselves and honest"!!
Will someone please explain to me why women stay with men who are like this? We're not talking about an occasional grump but someone with a constant mood, who can be horrific, constantly belittles their partner... need I go on?
OP you actually use the word aggression when referring to this man. There are LOADS of guys out there who don't behave like this? Why did you shackle yourself to one in the first place? Then have children with him? And remain with him when he treats you like shit and clearly expects you to do as you're told? Do you really want your children to learn this is how a relationship should be?
Sorry, but anything short of therapy and him changing or you leaving him is a shit lesson for your children.
Adding my voice to the calls to send him home. You can't tolerate this. He knows he is being a shit and he doesn't care. If you let this continue then you are giving permission to carry on.
I speak from experience, having not put a stop to shit behaviour, when on hols with 2 tiny dcs and my mum. He humiliated me for a week, I shiver when I think about it now. I should have got angry with him and told him to fuck off home, which is what he deserved. Instead I 'didn't want to rock the boat' to have it out in front of my mum... as if she wasn't already having her holiday spoilt already.
Don't let him keep your arm up your back for the sake of keeping the peace. Don't let him carry on like this. You'll have a much nicer time without him, and you'll show your daughters you won't put up with (borderline?) abusive behaviour.
If your little girl really said such a thing, then get the fuck out of that situation now. They are already picking up on this.
Anything else is not putting your children first. Which is your prime function.
Just leave him. Really. Life is too short for this.
My DH would never behave like this. What are your DC learning from you tolerating this from him?
Your children are watching their dad abusing you on perhaps now a daily basis. They are indeed very perceptive and pick up on everything that goes on; all the unspoken vibes as well.
I presume you have stayed for many reasons: fear of him, your own low self worth arising from poor boundaries, the kids, fear of the unknown, your own shame (totally misplaced), hope that he will one day change. There are probably many others as well apart from these. None are reasons to stay and no obstacle to leaving is insurmountable.
Your children cannot afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons on relationships because those could too easily follow them into adulthood as well. Your own relationship with them going forward could be affected because they could ask you why you put this man before them. If you were to say to them, "well I stayed because of you" they will call you daft for doing so. They should not be used as glue to bind you and this individual together.
...just to say he is an EX-H now. The memory of that holiday is dreadful though, and when I look back I realise how 'not myself' I was. Your daughter is absolutely right. Listen to her. Don't let another human being terrorise you, least of all your husband.
I would get all your paperwork together when you get home and divorce his sorry backside. Get a Rottweiler of a solicitor coz you will need it. He will throw everything at you to obstruct, obfuscate, threaten and scare you into not doing it. He will show his true colours in full glory. But it will be worth it.
What a fucking baby.
Your DDs comments break my heart. Send the prick home.
Send him home. If he won't go / swears amdmshouts don't engage. Say you are spoiling everyone's holiday. People don't do that to their families. I want you to leave so we can enjoy our holiday without the black cloud of your presence. Repeat. Repeat. DOnt respond to whatever he comes up with. Try and stay very calm. It sounds just horrible. I wouldn't be grateful he earns a good income.
When I met him 18yrs ago, I had a 1yr old son. Dh took him on as his own and was great. However as times gone on, dh has just told moodier. I've tried talking to him but obviously it's always been my fault etc or I'm 'seeing it differently to him'.
I really do love him. I know that sounds wierd but we can be so close. He can be such a gent but like I say, if it's on his terms. We go out for dinner a lot at home as that's the time we get to talk. (He works 7am til 8pm and I have my poorly daughter to care for). A couple of weeks ago we were having a lovely dinner and I said something which he didn't like the tone of my voice so suddenly raged and said he would 'never take me out again if I behave like that'. I can't even remember what I'd said.
God as I write this it all sounds crap. I want the best for my kids. But without him I can support them.
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