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Contact with ex and family home

(12 Posts)
eve34 Thu 17-Aug-17 06:37:12

Just after other people experience although I know the answer really.

My parents had a very co operative relationship when I was a child my
Mum would make him a drink and they would chat etc

It is early days for me and my ex. Right now I don't want to lay eyes on him. He is shocked that I have declined his offer to sit with the children whilst I go out over the weekend.

I think it is confusing for them. We are going to tell them he isn't going to live here anymore. So him coming a long feet up and drink in hand for the evening would send mixed messages.

I know moving forward it is the right thing for the kids that we can be civil and show them a good adult working relationship but right now I just want him to stay away

AuntieStella Thu 17-Aug-17 07:32:51

I think it entirely understandable that you don't want a recent ex in the house and certainly not unattended (and depending on what he's like, you perhaps won!t ever want him in your home).

If he wants to have the DC when you are occupied at the weekends, that's a good thing, but he needs to pick them up (or be ready for you to drop off) and have them at his place.

Which means you really do need to tell the DC properly. There can be very good reasons to try to put it off a bit (eg until new admin arrangements are in place, so it minimises uncertainty as you can tell them what the new arrangements are, not just what you think might happen) but it's got to be done.

eve34 Thu 17-Aug-17 10:23:11

They need to be told. He moved out 3 weeks ago with 'work'. And they keep asking when he is coming home.

Will tell them daddy isn't happy living with mummy anymore and loves them lots and will see him lots. Know what we need to say.

Just don't want him in my house and he thinks I'm better being difficult.

Julia1973 Thu 17-Aug-17 11:39:59

My parents had exactly the opposite- My Mum refused to see or even speak to my dad once they split which meant that my dad would have to drop my brother off (aged 11) outside her place and any communication about his upbringing had to go through me as I was older (18).

It was clearly ridiculous and damaging to both me and my brother. However it was what my mum needed.

When I split last year my mum moved in for 2 months. Although we weren't as extreme as my parents had been, her presence alone put him off hanging around too long smile Again i needed it at the time. Since she has gone things relaxed- to point that was beyond what I was comfortable with (brining his washing round to wash etc)

Im now selling up and buying my own place to get the proper boundaries in place.

Think what I'm trying to say is, if you don't feel comfortable with him hanging round the house- you have every right to say this. Because of my own experiences I will often do things that I am not comfortable with because think its best for the kids. However, I have to remind myself that having happy (sane) Mum is ultimately the besting for the kids.

Bibidy Thu 17-Aug-17 14:33:25

I agree with you OP, it has the potential to confuse the children or stop them understanding fully what's happened.

If you and your ex have agreed that you will stay in the house with the kids, then it's not your home, not his, and he should respect that. Not to say he's not aloud to set foot over the threshold when picking up the children etc, but he's not somebody you want hanging around your house when you're not there.

Bibidy Thu 17-Aug-17 14:40:07

Sorry, that was meant to be 'it's your home now, not his anymore.'

ravenmum Thu 17-Aug-17 14:43:37

Have you arranged regular times for him to have the kids? Then you can arrange your days out around that schedule rather than needing to have him "sit with" them, like a babysitter.

Absolutely reasonable and normal for him to move out properly and have the kids at his place, whether you are OK with him being in the house or not.

heidiwine Thu 17-Aug-17 15:37:06

It's all very new right now and long term I think coming to your house for contact is crazy.
But in this situation as a one off what do you think is best for the kids:
- you get a babysitter
- they get to spend the weekend with their dad (who they're probably missing)

I think you should consider that before you make any decisions. They're probably already pretty confused and bewildered about where he is. It might be good for them to spend some time with him alone.

I think it might be helpful for you to read this it's in four parts and you have to google each one separately but it's really useful;

https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/ten-steps-over-the-transition-bridge-supporting-shared-care-arrangements/

Lunettesloupes Thu 17-Aug-17 15:40:57

I think a clean break is healthier tbh - then the kids know that it's really happened, that it is permanent and that there will be two houses to visit from now on...it's a shock at first, but ultimately less confusing for them.

ravenmum Thu 17-Aug-17 15:47:14

But heidiwine, he's not a babysitter and shouldn't get into the habit of acting like one. And of course he should be seeing the kids, but that is not just up to OP to arrange. He should be arranging to have them with him wherever he is now living / at his parents. OP doesn't have to give up the sanctuary of her own home to this man who doesn't sound from her reaction like he has been too great lately.

eve34 Thu 17-Aug-17 16:05:43

Raven mum thank u for your support. This is early days and I value all the replies. I know that if I was hostile towards him
That will of course be damaging to the kids. I don't want to engage with
Him at all right now. And know that will change as I feels are less raw.

He doesn't have a place to have the kids over night unless he goes to family 180 miles away. I have the support of family if I need someone to sit with the kids. I'm not using him as any sitting service. Just trying to facilitate the kids seeing
Him with the least impact on me.

His work takes him away for long periods of time. The children find it very normal him not being here.

Bibidy Fri 18-Aug-17 10:38:25

eve34 when my OH first split up with his ex, he initially only had the children every Saturday, though he did visit during the week. It was only after a few months that he started having his children overnight at his parents' place, where he was living.

I don't know how old your kids are, but perhaps he could take them out for dinner for an evening after school, and then have them for one day of the weekend, picking them up in the morning and dropping them back in the evening.

This gives him time alone with them, and also means you don't have him in your home x

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