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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Hand hold please.

24 replies

tinkerbellone · 16/08/2017 09:42

Please be kind. I just need a hand hold really.
I left my abusive ex-husband in 2009. So I'm single mum if 4 children all under 12.
It's taken me a long time to go out dating again.

A year ago I met a nice guy at my church. He is funny, and kind but has a few issues but we share the same faith which was really important to me. I think he has adult ADHD.

I've realised he is very self obsessed. Topics of conversation are always about him. He doesn't like physical touch, but tries to hug me.

He has two children who he is very good with but often leaves them with me when they are up for the weekends.

I help with his washing and I cook his tea. We spend a lot of time together and see each other everyday. We don't live together but he stays over regularly.

I have had a small gyne operation last week and I was very nervous. So was emotional and a bit snappy. Never had general anaesthetic before & was worried about looking after the children and recovering.

He just couldn't cope. He tried to help but seemed irritated I was recovering and couldn't do things. He kept asking me every day 'are you better yet'. The night before my op he text saying he was 'frustrated with the relationship'
After the op -
I pulled on my big girl pants and told him I had seen a side of his behaviour which worried me. That I felt he had let me down massively when I needed his support the most- physical support & emotional.

He walked out upset and since then told me he will try harder to meet my needs and he loves me. To then saying he doesn't love me and wants a break. But then rings and asks if I can 'spare any tea' for him and wash his bedding.

I know he's using me. I think I needed to write it all down. I'm struggling with seeing how he treats me and that I've fallen into this trap of accepting being treated badly yet again.

I've done the Freedom Course. I've had lots of counselling after leaving my ex-husband.

Here I am in tears because I text him this morning asking where we stand in our relationship and he's off hand and abrupt texting back. Saying - on a break.

I know I'm recovering so I'm more emotional. I just feel so let down. After a year together I though he would step up and at least put me first.

Sorry for the long post. I don't really know what I'm asking.

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2017 10:08

I think you are asking us all to give you a swift kick and hope you can see things more clearly.
Honestly. Why on earth are you letting this Narc do this do you?

Do you have any spare tea for me?
NOPE!

Can you wash my bedding?
NOPE!

Please look at yourself in the mirror.
Say NO over and over and over again.
As MN say - NO is a complete sentence.
But you need to practice it.
I think you should also go and do the Freedom Programme again.
You have let this dickhead trample all over your boundaries.
You've let him lower your self-esteem.
You've let him treat you like a total doormat.
And NONE of it is OK.
YOU know you are worth far more than this loser!

If your faith allows it - tell him to FUCK OFF!

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SandyY2K · 16/08/2017 10:13

Hi
I think you should just let him know it's not working for you and wish him all the best for the future.

No need to get angry about it. Just be calm and let him know this is your final decision on the relationship.

You deserve better than this and when you stick to your guns, you'll get better.

Being a mum is tough, you have 4 children and are a single mum. You don't need another child in the form of a grown up man.

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2017 10:23

Just be calm and let him know this is your final decision on the relationship
He sounds like a complete Narc.
I hope he's not but if he is then this approach does not work!

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tinkerbellone · 16/08/2017 10:30

I am genuinely not a weak person. I love my job I'm good at it. I have a position of responsibility at church & I have lovely friends. I'm embarrassed that I'm so pathetic when it come to relationships.
Sorry to ask- what's a narc? He doesn't do drugs x

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StormTreader · 16/08/2017 10:34

Narc is Narcissist, its where someone is only interested with how they feel and what they can get and literally doesnt care about anyone else.

Im not sure he is that from what youve said, but I DO think that he thinks a relationship is all "what can he get from you". When someone vanishes as soon as you need something back from them and you cant cook for them or do their washing any more, thats not a relationship you need in your life, thats not a relationship at all.

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LoyaltyAndLobster · 16/08/2017 10:37
Flowers
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mummmy2017 · 16/08/2017 10:46

This time your life won't be as bad, I promise.
You had 4 children under 4 last time.
This time you have children who you can talk to about things, not the relationship but for conversation, this more than you realise is a good thing. Because it means you have proper company.
You can start to plan things to do, not having to care for his children as well as your own means your not house trapped by not having enough car space.
Plan some nice things to do with your children, it doesn't have to cost.
When he text just tell him you agree a break is best, so no your not having his kids, washing for him or feeding him.
Just looking at things without having to care for 3 more kids.

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IHateUncleJamie · 16/08/2017 10:47

I hope writing everything down here has made things clearer to you; it often helps.

If not, have you tried reading your post as if a friend, or someone in Church has written it and is asking your advice? What would you tell them?

My bet is that you'd say "This man sounds as though he's using you with no regard for your feelings and no empathy. He sounds like a child, and you've already got 4 - do you really need another one to look after?"

You're supposed to be his girlfriend, not his carer or his Mother. It doesn't sound as though you're getting anything but grief and frustration from this man. Personally I would reply saying "That's fine, I am taking the adult decision and making the "break" permanent as we seem to want different things from the relationship".

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LarderWoman · 16/08/2017 10:59

You’re a caring person and that’s a lovely thing to be, OP, society
couldn’t work without caring people so don’t blame yourself for
being what you are.
Now you need to be kind to yourself and drop this man back
where you found him and don’t worry about him, he’ll land on his feet.
Flowers

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yetmorecrap · 16/08/2017 11:23

Think how satisfying it will be to say, 'you know what I'm on a break too, a permanent one, make your own tea and do you own washing---bye!! ' I have just sat on a bus with a load of pensioners and heard a very similar conversation between two obviously married ones, bloke basically concerned about not having someone around to slave for him for a few days, woman going all out to try and appease him, very depressing, shoot me if I end up with this kind of relationship

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Mrscropley · 16/08/2017 11:27

"sorry but my mn friends have advised me to tell you to fuck off"
Should do the trick.

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tinkerbellone · 16/08/2017 12:11

I guess I'm really sad I've got it all wrong.
He's just text and said we are still together but 'back to basics'. Whatever that means.

I know my friends are frustrated; they say he's an idiot and he doesn't realise what he's got and that he should really cherish me a bit more.

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maras2 · 16/08/2017 12:19

He means 'get my dinner ready while my washing's on'
Come on,love,get some self respect and tell this joker to get lost once and for all.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 16/08/2017 13:16

Back to Basics means that he will give nothing and expect you to give everything.

I would suggest you text back with "Whether we are together is not just your decision to make. I will think about this while we are on our break and get back to you if and when I make my decision".

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StormTreader · 16/08/2017 13:32

Yes, "back to basics" means "back to when you never asked me for anything at all and you did my washing".

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2017 13:52

Please don't engage.
He will 'hoover' you back in.
A quick text - 'Don't ever contact me again' then;
Ignore, block, delete

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IHateUncleJamie · 16/08/2017 14:05

Definitely. Don't guilt trip yourself about "getting it wrong", you're not a mind-reader. The best way forward is to put yourself and your children first. Let the user man child find some other mug woman to do his washing and provide tea.

Seriously, don't let him dictate terms. You're worth more than that. I would honestly reply "No, I think you were right first time. I'm happy to be "on a break"."

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Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 14:09

This is not a good boyfriend, as you know. Sounds like you have put up with poor treatment for too long.

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Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 14:09

Would be best to leave him.

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tinkerbellone · 16/08/2017 16:36

Thank you. I'm going to keep re reading what I wrote and all your comments when I can feel myself wobbling.
I know you're all correct with what you say xx thank you Flowers

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NotQuiteJustYet · 16/08/2017 17:16

The decision to be together is not one he gets to make, regardless whatever 'back to basics' is meant to mean. You know what needs to be done here, you're worth SO much more than doing the laundry of this "man'.

Flowers Wine

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butterfly56 · 16/08/2017 17:22

Your gut feeling is telling you that you need to get out of this relationship because this guy is sapping your emotional and physical strength and he has not concern or respect for you at all.
The big "tell" for you as you say was when you were needing help from him whilst recovering and you did not get that.
You need to give yourself a pat on the back for actually recognising that you are in a toxic relationship and that you know that your needs will never be met with him.
I was in a similar situation myself once and I allowed myself to be manipulated and used and it had a detrimental effect on my health.

I hope you get the strength to kick him out of your life. Flowers

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Hermonie2016 · 16/08/2017 17:22

You did the right thing telling him you were not happy with his lack of support.He had a choice to respond positively but instead he's reacted defensively.Its his issue.

As painful as it is be glad you discovered this before moving in together.Try to acknowledge how far you have come ad you know how to be treated and you have the confidence to state your needs.

Listen to your friends

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SandyY2K · 16/08/2017 22:51

Men like him seek out women to use and give sweet Fu**all in return. Believe it or not, your kids will be especially the older one will see you being used by him.

What are your children learning from this? That a man who doesn't live with you, can get you to do his laundry and use you for free babysitting.

Please gather the strength to end it. If those words are hard to say... Then tell him you need space as you've got a lot going on and will let him know when you're in a better place.

Which translates to don't call me. After a couple of weeks, assuming he gives you space... You end it by telling him rather than him you still need the space and he's free to move on, instead of waiting for you.

This man is not a fully functioning adult.

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