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Friend upset with me, advice please(58 Posts)
She's upset and I'm upset, and I want to sort it out asap.
She's stubborn so won't make first move, I'm a person who stews about things, so I won't be able to sleep.
I've been to my parents holiday home for a week, I invited her and her two children to come for a weekend. There was no cost involved to any of us, as my parents don't charge.
From the moment they arrived her 15 year old son was difficult. Wifi was 'crap', Welsh people are stupid, he had a comment for anything anyone else said usually derogatory. Some of the views he had were racist, homophobic and frankly shocking. He told me I was stupid as I didn't vote UKIP and I actually felt inferior as he wanted a debate for everything I said.
He glorified getting pissed and said drugs are cool! All said in front of my 10 year old. It's all hot air and I know he's showing off, but it was embarrassing.
My friend did check him but most of this was said on the sly so she wasn't aware of most of his comments.
Last night, our last night, we had a lovely meal, few drinks and it was great. He wanted a can of cider, she said no and he chucked a major strop. He decided to go for a walk, but didn't come back. It was dark, pouring down and his mum was very upset.
She went to look for him, but couldn't find him. He doesn't know the area, it's dark lanes and weather was awful. We'd both had a drink so couldn't drive, so just as I went to ask a guy across the way if he could take one of us out to look for him in his car, he flounced back in, like nothing was wrong. He'd walked 45 minutes each way to the next town which he'd already been told no to in the day.
Massive argument with his mum, she cried he stropped. I left them to it and said nothing. However he then tried to spark the argument up again when we were all watching tv, and I said enough, it's over, leave it there and have some respect for your mum and me.
This morning he's sulking, she's decided 'we' all pick at him so that's why he's upset. She said I obviously didn't want him to come as I'd text her to say wifi wasn't working and to please tell him so he knew this was the case.
She said I'd undermined her by telling him to stop, I accept it probably wasn't the best idea to say something but my DD was upset with his shouting and I'd had enough.
She said it's just the way he is and we should accept it. I told her I refuse to be abused and ridiculed by a 15 year old and i will defend myself if he starts.
So we've had words and now she's pissed off with me. Do I call her in a few days, say I'm sorry for 'undermining' her 🤔 but maintain I'm still entitled to defend myself when a rude 15 year old is shouting.
Or do I wait for her to contact me, we've been friends for a long time and never fall out so I'd like to get it sorted.
Any advice a appreciated.
She is probably embarrassed about her poor parenting.
I'd give her a call and explain why you had to say something.
Well that sounds like a really horrible weekend.
The child's annoying and his mother isn't dealing with it or apologising. Personally I wouldn't be doing anything unless you want a repeat performance.
Tricky. You shouldn't have to put up with such appalling manners from any guest. Your 10 year old DD shouldn't have to listen to those views without an explanation that they are not views you share.
However he will always be your friend's DS and she will always have his back even when he's wrong.
I'd leave her alone and let her think about how her child's behaviour has affected you.
I wouldn't apologise. Teenagers are notoriously tricky, I've got four of them, but his behaviour and attitude should have been checked by her. I imagine she's feeling embarrassed and defensive - it's easier to say you over-reached than admit he was a disrespectful shit and she didn't handle it well.
Furthermore, he's now aware that, no matter how badly he behaves, his mum will back him up.
If you must, something like : 'Looks like teenagers are hard work, as I will find out myself in a few years. Sorry if I upset you by talking to him. He's a great lad but I didn't like seeing him speak to you like that.'
Thing is she's a great mum, the kids are her life. She's a lone parent, as am I.
She had to battle him all the time, but she fails to give sanctions. He's obsessed with gadgets and Xbox, but she won't take them off him.
I think she knows he's out of order but doesn't know how to stop it. Her ex refuses to help or parent so she's no help from him.
I'd leave it tbh. I had to hold my tongue recently when a friend had a pop about DS2 who is autistic having a meltdown after her NT 9yo DS had a spectacular strop in my house and kicked plaster off my walls, attacked my kids and wrecked the carpet in the hall!
Fwiw OP I don't think you were out of order in saying something, he was being a little shit and clearly his mum has no control over him and had no desire to salvage the weekend for anyone else. I wouldn't be rushing to make contact.
She should apologise and make him apologise to you.
Don't apologise and don't speak about it unless she brings it up in which case tell her that the only reason you said enough is because you were trying to back her up and move on to enjoy the rest of the evening. It's done and dusted just move on and make arrangements as you would've prior to this.
She may be a great mum but she isn't doing him any favours by allowing this behaviour and not giving him any discipline.
I hate to think what he will be like in a few years time.
I don't think you need to apologise at all to be honest. He needed to be told his behaviour was unacceptable and your friend needs a kick up the arse about her parenting.
You don't owe anybody an apology. I expect your friend is very embarrassed about his behaviour and her own lack of control. Your friend should ask her son to apologise for his behaviour or at least apologise herself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Do not apologise as you did absolutely nothing wrong; apart from inviting them in the first place.--but how were you to know?--
If it was me I'd give them a very wide berth, as I wouldn't be able to stand the bullshit.
She is incredibly embarrassed and she knows you're not wrong. Let her calm down and lick her wounds.
If she's stubborn then she's not going to apologise and you're not wrong so don't you apologise or she will think she's justified in snapping.
Why not invite her for an evening out just the two of you in a week's time or so?
I'd just say
"Let's not fall out over the kids. The teenage stage is hard work. I'm dreading it when DD gets there. Can we draw a line under it?"
So not apologising as such but offering an olive branch?
nope. no apology. she should be apologising to you for her ds' behaviour. i'd be mortified if that was my kid (disclaimer i do not have teenagers yet)
You have nothing to apologise for. And she may be a loving mum but she is not a great mum because she refuses to give her badly behaved son real boundaries and sanctions.
I think she has gone defensive because she knows he behaved very badly and is embarrassed. If I were you, I´d say nothing (because you have nothing to apologize for), but I also wouldn´t demand an apology. I suggest you just move on as if it didn´t happen and say no more about it unless she brings it up.
Your boundaries are your boundaries and she should respect them and so should her 15 year old. If not then TBH I would be out of there.
I wouldn't apologise but I would tell her that you value her friendship and don't want to fall out over it. She's likely embarrassed
I'd leave it a few days and then text friend to say that you're sorry that you had a difference of opinion, that you really value her friendship and would she be up for going for a coffee to talk. I'm not saying you should apologise for telling her son off, he sounds like a massive PITA. But you're friend was probably embarrassed and upset, didn't realise the extent of his comments, worried that he'd disappeared and frankly exhausted from dealing with him all the time. I think she may need your support and although you probably never want to see the son again, it might be good to talk things over now as you say she is a good friend.
Do not apologise.
Her son was a little brat, teens think the world owes them a favour and tghey know everything but they have to learn it doesnt and they dont.
I would have been mortified if my teen had acted like that and they would have been told off pronto just the same way he is at home. He is hard work sometimes but he gets pulled up every time. I wouldnt tolerate him being cheeky to anyone else especially when he was getting a free holiday.
She should be apologising to you and getting to grips with his behaviour before he gets worse.
If she mentions it again say its done with but you will not be spoken to like that by her son again or you will be pulling him up on it every single time, as you are right to do.
She's not a great mum and she's letting him turn into a rude, bigoted, unpleasant, ungrateful, domineering twat.
I'm really sorry your holiday was ruined. You did a nice thing inviting them along.
You did them a good deed in bringing them along and her choice to be a doormat turned what could have been a lovely time away together into a stressful few days. Absolutely don't apologise. Do you think he behaves that like at school? If not, he's perfectly capable of not airing his disgusting views, especially in front of a child, and if he does then she's failed him completely and hopefully someone else in his life will kick his arse and stop him turning out like a total nightmare.
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