My DH and I have had issues rumbling on for years: he suffers from anxiety/depression, takes medication but also drinks, in my opinion a lot, to keep on top of his condition. He's high functioning so to everyone else he's holding down a job, got a lovely family (we have 2 gorgeous DD, ages 7 & 4), we've just moved to a lovely area, done up our house. On paper it's all we ever wanted. In reality it's far from perfect and falling apart.
It's got to the point where he drinks every evening and weekends are heavily influenced by when he can schedule in a trip to the pub. I only ever see him when he's drinking or ill (depressed or hungover). Everything revolves around when he can next have a drink. Take a trip to London last week with the kids - me and the kids were watching some street performers - he was bored so went to the pub until we were finished. Later at the train station he insisted we wait for a later train so he could have a drink. Similarly on Sunday we took the kids to town, he went to get his haircut and popped in to the pub for a couple before coming back to meet up with us. It wasn't even midday. I then had to go and visit my mother in hospital (he and the kids didn't want to come - that's fine, we'd all been to see her recently), but he wanted to take the kids to the pub till I was finished. I put my foot down and told him to take them to the playground - my MIL was with us so she backed me up and they went but when I called to meet them a couple of hours later, they were in the pub. It was the last straw and I was visibly annoyed (was trying to keep a handle on it for sake of kids & MIL).
Last week he drank 5 bottles of wine (over 3 days) half a bottle of gin (in one sitting) and I'm not even sure how many pints of beer - he went to the pub on 3 separate occasions (T, Th & F) My MIL was staying with us and was shocked by his alcohol consumption. We had a chat and I was honest with her that I was very concerned too. She had a word with him but I overheard one of the chats and unfortunately I was heavily implicated in what she said, (xxx says you drink too much - NOT massively helpful). There are countless other occasions where his drinking is excessive and his behaviour is consequently compromised - he got so pissed on holiday, when he had 2 hours to himself, that he was 'ill' for the last 3 days. I frequently go to social occasions alone with the kids as he's 'not feeling like it'. Our sex life is non existent, I can't remember the last time we had sex. Affection is minimal, we love each other but intimacy has long left the relationship. I feel so lonely and it's the girls that get me through.
His Dad was the same, I'll never forget when his parents came to stay about 12 years ago and he went out on his own on a Saturday night to a pub nearby (not even our local) to spend the evening with strangers rather than with us. I was too young and naive to realise that my DH was raised believing this was normal behaviour.
He's tried counselling, we've had marriage counselling (both 6 yrs ago), as a result he gave up alcohol for a year. He made all sorts of promises but they all went out the window. It's heartbreaking as he's such a funny, intelligent guy when he's sober and well. He knows what he's doing to himself but just can't conquer his demons. It's got to the point where we are very short with each other, all the time. I've stopped turning a blind eye and stand up to his behaviour. Unfortunately that means the kids are picking up on it and it's becoming untenable.
On Sunday it all came to a head - his mums chat and me being annoyed that he took the kids to the pub again - sparked a row. I say a row, he just told me to f&@k off and called me a lunatic and hasn't spoken to me since. He's moved in to the spare room and is going to his Dublin office for the rest of the week and again next week (that's not unusual). It will be good to have space rather than walk on egg shells around each other and is easy to explain to the kids.
So we haven't had a conversation to agree what happens next, although it's pretty inevitable that the only solution is to split up. We've been here so many times and I can't go on, knowing deep down that it won't ever change. I'm gutted for the kids - they deserve more but they love their dad.
The implications of splitting up are terrifiying. We've got some big loans from doing up the house, I'm freelancing but my contract is coming to an end in Sept and not being renewed so will be out of work and long story short but we agreed that I would find a more local job (vs commuting to London and 12 hr days). We'd have to sell the house which given the blood, sweat and tears we've had over doing it up in the last 2 years is devastating.
All I can think about is the kids, turning their world upside down and making them leave the home we have made for them
It sucks, tell me it will get easier, in time?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Deep down I know it's right but it's so hard
18 replies
wilky23 · 15/08/2017 09:51
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.