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He's left me and I'm 16 weeks pregnant

(60 Posts)
namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:16:04

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and my husband has walked out on me. He says he can't take the constant arguing anymore. I can't either. But I never thought he would just go and leave me to have this baby alone. I feel terrified. I have a toddler and I don't think I can raise this baby alone. I don't even know how I will get through the labour! This was a baby he begged for months for. Saying how much he wanted a new baby. Now I feel completely betrayed by him.

DH says I need to leave him alone and give him space to see if he can clear his head. But this has made me quite angry. Am I really meant to just sit around waiting for him to decide if he values our family enough to come back?

I'm really not very good with waiting. I need issues resolved and I tend to struggle with being out of control. And this makes me just want to tell him that fine, we can divorce then. And just go ahead with it. He tells me I am being rash and I just have to give him time but he won't tell me how long for or even what I'm waiting for. I've been told I can't contact him anymore as he doesn't want to talk. But I can't move forward with making this a proper separation either.

Back story to this is i know he's been plotting with a friend to get me to sell the house and move into rented. We are almost near exchange. He said he wanted to do this to his friend so we can more easily split and just take half the money each. I can't afford a mortgage being pregnant with no job and will lose the roof over my babies heads. I've said I don't want to go ahead with the sale. And this makes me unreasonable too. I just don't trust him when I know he has been scheming.

A lot of our arguments stem from him not letting me have a say in anything. I think he's got used to me mainly giving into him because when it's small concessions I do most often just let him have his own way. But when big things happen I can't always just roll over. I feel like I would lose my self respect if I just bite my tongue every time. I'm told I'm not allowed an opinion. Or if I voice it he doesn't need to even compromise and I either put up with it or don't. I'm not sure what happens if I don't! As arguing constantly is not an option. So I guess he's saying I need to leave.

So as not to drip feed:

He has his own company and wants to go out a lot spending a fortune on expensive holidays for staff abroad under the guise of team building while I'm left to stay at home with the toddler. They go out monthly and weekly on various team building events where they are spending thousands each time. It's a small company and I'm a shareholder and I think I should get some say as I think this is wasteful and unnecessary. I'm told it's how he wants to run it and he will continue to do so. Some trips have resulted in young girls knocking on his door in the night claiming he's taking advantage of them! Others they end up just so drunk they are vomiting in their hotel rooms. The company is young and I'm told they want to create this party culture. I think it's dangerous and not conducive to our family life. He's not 20 anymore. I'm told I'm jealous (see other thread) and that I am irrational and need to seek help.

I need him to stop ignoring how I feel about this especially as I'm default child care expected to just let him get on with all this and enable the trips and nights out. I need him to show me some respect and listen to my views and compromise. He won't.

Should I be giving up? I feel so worn down by it now I am almost starting to not care anymore. I'm only fearful of giving birth alone. And probably the following 5 months of no sleep doing everything by myself.

I don't know how he can throw his family away over this.

Am I being unreasonable ?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Sorry it's so long.

emilybrontescorset Sun 13-Aug-17 00:23:30

Are you saying that some of his employees are claiming he has assaulted them?
I can't get past this tbh.
There is an awful lot going on here.
I think you should see your doctor/midwife and explain the stress your husband had put you under.
Don't leave the house, don't let him bully you into anything.
Think about what you want and remember just because you might agree to x today does not mean you can't change your mind at a later date.

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:29:16

She arrived at his bedroom door in the middle of the night and started removing shoes and he says he told her to leave and apparently said he would walk her back to her room but she said no because he would take advantage of her. She didn't actually say that he did. But I still find this kind of language strange if unprovoked. Perhaps it is just crazy drunk talk? But I don't like young female staff feeling it's ok to go knocking on his bedroom door in the middle of the night. He's the boss. No matter how drunk she is why exactly does she feel that's appropriate? I feel like some boundaries have been dropped somewhere but I'm told it's nothing. To me it's just a symptom of the excessive alcohol and party culture they are keen to create which I believe is unprofessional and not actually in the best interests of his staff.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable Sun 13-Aug-17 00:30:26

Definitely talk to your gp about the stress he's putting you under.
If it was me I'd tell him go cleat your head and don't bother coming back.
He's not being a responsible father to his child soon to be children.
Do you have family or friends in real life?
You'll need support once baby is born but it's absolutely doable.

emilybrontescorset Sun 13-Aug-17 00:33:33

I agree it is unprofessional. On all honesty I would expect a boss to learn their lesson and not leave themselves open to serious allegations again. Why would he carry on putting himself in this position unless he gets something from it.....
It sounds as though he has kept you as the little wife at home whilst he had been out partying and trying to act like a teenager.

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:36:01

What happens if I talk to my GP/midwife about stress? Will they be constantly checking up on me? I am feeling so stressed but I'm also feeling really vulnerable and confused. I feel all over the place to be honest. I'm just not sure what the GP could do to help.

I do have some family support. But I still feel terrified about giving birth alone. Or just without him really. He never used to be like this. I feel like the power of this company has gone to his head and now he only cares about himself. I still love him though. It's hard for me to separate hormones from my true feelings at the moment.

AdaColeman Sun 13-Aug-17 00:41:03

Don't agree to the sale of your house, put that on hold for now.
See your company accountant and a solicitor to find out where you stand re the company and property.
Get records of his income, profits etc.
Don't make any decisions yet, you need a lot more information in order to see you situation clearly.

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:41:55

That's how I feel emily. I feel like he has no respect for me anymore. I'm not allowed to object. Apparently all these trips out are good for morale and that's why he's so keen to keep doing the events. I'm told it's his company and I don't get a say. Even if I complain that I shouldn't have to keep picking up the childcare.

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:43:23

Thanks Ada. I think you are right. He keeps saying I mustn't do anything rash while he's thinking but how long can I hang around for and at least then I would have a plan. Maybe that will make me feel like I have a little bit of control back.

AdaColeman Sun 13-Aug-17 00:45:33

To be honest, I wonder if there is more to the team building trips than meets the eye.

CremeFresh Sun 13-Aug-17 00:49:50

Put a stop to the house sale immediately. You need to protect yourself financially. Where has he gone to stay ? All these fun trips must cost a fair bit and sound very unprofessional. I'm so sorry he's done this to you X

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:52:34

Thanks creme. I'm devastated really. We used to be so close and complete best friends. It all changed once he set up this business with his business partner. Now I guess I am just the little wife.

He says he's staying at his mums house. And I do believe that.

Putyourhandsintheair Sun 13-Aug-17 01:40:22

Oh Namechanged. He's keeping you hanging and manipulating you. First get your documents in order, then see a lawyer and see where you stand. Be non contact in the meantime- is he in contact for access to your toddler? There is going to be much more to this- not least what is happening on the team building visits. You must protect yourself and your children. You can do this. Be strong. Most importantly do not let on what you are doing with him. He is a manipulator. He is not going to change. You have to know that. Xx

Putyourhandsintheair Sun 13-Aug-17 01:42:32

Stop the house sale but only when you have seen the solicitor. It will be too easy for him to spend or lose the money and you will be left with nothing. You must confide in someone. The midwife would be a good start.

Laine21 Sun 13-Aug-17 02:15:45

Definitely refuse to sign paperwork to exchange, and put a stop on the house sale and see a solicitor ASAP! you and your children need financial protection and a home to live in.

Rainbowqueeen Sun 13-Aug-17 03:14:08

Yes do not sell the house!
Talk to a solicitor about a mesher order, which is an order allowing the main carer to stay in the home until the youngest is 18 and then the house is sold and the proceeds split.

If you don't want to talk to your GP or midwife, try Women's Aid for help.

In your shoes, I would not be waiting round for him to decide what he wants. All that means is that he will have made his plans and you will be on the back foot. Make your own plans. Work out your financial position. Work out what benefits you would be entitled to. See a solicitor. Talk to someone, even the Samaritans.

Sending you strength and wishing you the best

Aquamarine1029 Sun 13-Aug-17 04:13:42

Get a solicitor. Immediately.

PovertyPain Sun 13-Aug-17 05:23:21

IT sounds more like he wants you to hold off doing anything so he can hide any assets he has. Be very careful, op. I'd be concerned that he might try to sell the house from under you, or clear out any accounts, including business accounts. His insistence that you don't contact him, while also insisting that you can't be proactive in wanting to divorce him is very concerning. Get straight onto your solicitor on Monday. Get any bank account statements and other financial paperwork together over the weekend. Take half of any money you have in any joint accounts with him, out of the bank. If he has any saving accounts in his name, try to get the details. Turn the house upside down. Are you sure the company is profitable and there's no debt as a result of his party attitude?

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 06:14:09

I'm not sure if I will be able to get access to any of the business account information. His business partner deals with most of the finance and he's very blasé with all of that. I'm not even sure if I turned the house upside down that I would find anything.

Because we were recently going to buy a new house, before the arguing and assistance instead to move to renting - I do have a lot of the other information to hand. So I will contact a solicitor Monday and see how quickly they can see me.

I'm really feeling quite resigned to all this now. He keeps telling me I have mental health problems and need help, but you've made me see I can't be completely insane and unreasonable all the time! I actually feel angry with him and ok about divorcing which has surprised me. The only times I feel a bit of a tumble is if I think he's going to meet someone new and have babies with them and forget about my two. My toddler loves his daddy so much. He's going to be devastated by this.

He did briefly ask for contact on Wednesday. I've not replied yet. He only wants to see him for an hour after work. I asked if he wanted him at any point over the weekend as my toddler just keeps asking about him and it's breaking my heart to be honest, but I got no explanation as to why he didn't want to see him until Wednesday. I think right now he's too focused on sitting around and "clearing his head"

bluediamonds Sun 13-Aug-17 06:53:47

Definitely don't sell the house, you and the children need some secure to live.

bluediamonds Sun 13-Aug-17 06:54:11

Somewhere

Rainbowqueeen Sun 13-Aug-17 07:07:00

PS you know how he told his friend you could have half each of the equity in the house- you sound like you would be entitled to more than half.

Good to hear you have a plan, wishing you well

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 07:25:40

Thank you rainbow. I only want what is fair. I still can't believe it has come to all this to be honest. All because his business seems to matter more than me.

bluecitymum Sun 13-Aug-17 08:38:30

Morning namechanged. I just had to send you my thoughts on how selfish he's being. Seems as though he can happily leave you to deal with the house, your toddler and the first trimester whilst giving himself some 'space'. Not at all surprised you're angry!
I hope you can channel your obvious strength into getting your life in order to suit the best interests of you and your children. Get financial advice as a priority and l echo PPs who say do NOT sell the house.
It sounds as though he's caught up in his own best interests and you need to do the same.

namechanged75465 Sun 13-Aug-17 09:44:31

Thank you blue. I'm going to email the solicitor this morning and tell them to stop all work on selling the house. I don't know why I feel so scared to do this. I think it's because I'm making a decision I know is irreversible and makes this a permanent split, but also that he's going to be very angry at me.

He says not to do anything rash, but even if he came back and said he was a changed man, I can't trust him not to just be tricking me to let my guard down and get me to sell and move into rented again so he could take the money. I feel the conversation he had with his friend has really worried me. Even if it was in anger it's clear he's been thinking through some sort of plan for a while.

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