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is it normal to feel like leaving one day, and then totally in love the next?

(9 Posts)
NoNamesLeft86 Sat 12-Aug-17 23:10:04

As the title says really. Been going on years. One day, I am so serious about leaving that I am arranging house viewings etc and working out how I would tell the kids etc.
The next day I am happy again and forget all the bad stuff.

He has a very short fuse and can get nasty at the smallest little thing. Which is when I want to go and get away from it, would rather struggle on my own etc. But then he has a good mood day and I can't even contemplate giving up our life here (he owns the house, the car, pretty much everything, and doesn't want me to leave so will make it as hard as he can)

Just feels like an emotional rollercoaster.

Kr1stina Sat 12-Aug-17 23:13:50

Are you sure you would struggle on your own ? Have you got advice about what you are entitled to eg are you married, are they his kids, do you WOTH, what benefits would you get etc

I know you are asking about feelings . But you need the facts too so that you know what your options are.

How do you think his behaviour is affecting the children ?

NoNamesLeft86 Sat 12-Aug-17 23:23:12

I know what I am entitled to and I think financially we would be fine, provided I could find a rented house who will accept DSS, which is a huge challenge in itself.

I meant more struggle practically. I have 4 children, 2 are his, and 2 are not. We are not married. His behaviour definatly affects the kids, mainly the eldest 2 who are not his. He snaps at them a lot and puts them down. Which we then argue about because I snap at him in defence of the kids etc.

3 out of 4 of the children have special needs, and things can get pretty tough even with 2 adults. I wouldn't be able to do all the things we currently do like swimming lessons and big days out, as I can't safely manage all 4 of them alone (all under 10). The youngest 2 have learning difficulties and Autism and run off the second you let go of them so days out really require 2 adults. As does pretty much everything TBH.

But he works 7 days a week anyway, mostly overtime. He is well paid (around £65-70k per year) but due to this we don't get stuff like child benefit, which will delay any benefit claims I make from what I have read online. I do get DLA for the younger 2 though which really helps.

The children, due to being varying levels of SEN are at different schools. 3 different schools/nurseries to juggle every day. Which we currently arrange his work patterns around.

NoNamesLeft86 Sun 13-Aug-17 00:28:11

Some days (like today). I hate him. Really hate him.

But others its the total opposite.

I wonder if its me? Ive suffered depression etc in the past so often doubt my judgement.

thefalloutwillbeawful Sun 13-Aug-17 04:03:47

It doesn't sound like you - it sounds like him. The fact that he has "good mood days" is not enough, it must mean that you walk on eggshells wondering when his next nasty outburst is coming.

Also why aren't you married and why is everything in his name? So you have no security whatsoever and a really hard job looking after the dc.

In all seriousness, I would be tempted to get married and then later get divorced if the unreasonable behaviour persists.

thefalloutwillbeawful Sun 13-Aug-17 04:05:54

Sorry, did not mean to sound flippant. I think his behaviour is horrible - and he is inflicting it on your dc as well sad. I think it's completely normal that you want to leave.

TherealMrsBloom Sun 13-Aug-17 13:48:39

No, it's not normal. Living like that must be emotionally exhausting for you. He must be incredibly nice on the "good" days to make you forget his nasty behaviour. It sounds like the cyclical pattern that is common in abusive relationships: they alienate you, then reel you in again. It is a horrible way to live. The bullying of the older children is vile and will be damaging them. There are others on here who are experienced in spotting the signs of an abusive relationship and will give you good support if you decide to leave. No one should have to live constantly treading on eggshells; it will destroy yours and your DCs self esteem and will normalise your DP's behaviour in their minds, I would keep a diary of his behaviour so that you can build up a consistent picture. Does he show remorse for his actions and their effect on you and the DCs? Does he admit his behaviour is wrong?

TherealMrsBloom Sun 13-Aug-17 13:52:37

And no, it doesn't sound like it's you. Trust your instincts. The depression may be linked to his behaviour.

MiniTheMinx Sun 13-Aug-17 14:08:04

Everything is in his name....do you work?

He works long hours but juggles this around school drop offs. He works long hours and brings in a good wage.

You have four children under 10, that alone is stressful, but to have 3 with special needs sounds very stressful. I can't imagine that either of you have a day off together.

Maybe he doesn't want you to leave because he loves you all and wants to do the right thing.

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