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Marriage problems / no female support system at all / grief & loss

(36 Posts)
upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 18:51:12

I have no mum/aunties/grandma/sisters/female cousins and have struggled my entire life! Having a very down day today and it hits me like a tonne of bricks - the pain of not having a mum around since I was tiny just feels unbearable, especially now I have little ones of my own.

I thought having a family of my own would 'repair' the damage but it has magnified everything tenfold. My marriage has fallen apart the last couple of years and I literally have nobody to confide in. My friends are all very happy in their marriages and it almost feels shameful and wrong to talk about the problems in mine.

I'd been so thrilled to have a daughter but now at age 6 we are clashing all the time. We were once very close but don't feel bonded anymore, since my youngest came along.

I feel so incredibly lonely without a female support system.

I don't really know why I'm posting but perhaps older, wiser mumsnetters could talk to me about difficult patches when kids are young, where everything feels stressful, always tired, mithered etc. Does it get better?

And any ideas how I can rid myself of this almighty feeling of grief and loss at having no mum/sister/grandma to spend time with, laugh with, chat to etc? I have had counselling in the past but maybe the wrong kind as if anything it's made me more sad and made me feel more 'odd'.

Thanks for reading.

yetmorecrap Sat 12-Aug-17 19:09:46

You aren't alone upside down, I have same situation , instead I gave 100% to my second marriage, became in retrospect far too co dependent on one person and it's by far my biggest regret

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 19:25:48

Sorry to hear that...How did the second marriage go? Are you still married?

I certainly 'unload' more on my husband than is healthy. I feel if I had that female support system in place I'd have other places to turn. What makes it more difficult is that he is not a talker at all and is quite emotionally switched off - a real 'man's man'. I too feel dependent on him and would give anything for a close group of women around me.

Justdontknow4321 Sat 12-Aug-17 19:52:52

Can you try and get out more ? Any school mums you could try and make friends with ? Start a new hobbie ? Is there any 'clubs' by you? Book club or a ladies night ? Any old friends you can try and re-connect with for some female company ?

If we lived close I'd be your friend smile

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 20:16:55

We moved to a new area a couple of years ago. I've become friendly with lots of women through school and playgroups but nobody to call a close friend locally. And really it's not friends I'm craving but actual blood ties. I'd love a mum or sister to whisk me off for a weekend, give me a big hug and tell me everything will be ok.

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 20:18:12

Thank you for the offer of friendship smile

I do need to get out more, maybe start an exercise class, something just for me.

lazycrazyhazy Sat 12-Aug-17 20:23:11

Upside. I have never had female family members either though I am close to my adult DDs.

Therefore my friends have always been so important to me. Can you really make an effort to make close friends? Perhaps you will find someone from a similar background. I have three very close female soul mates. Two have sisters too but sometimes it's easier for them to talk to non family. The third grew up in a children's home so also has no one to call upon and that has been a very supportive friendship for us both.

As others have said maybe through your children or an activity you can make deeper connections. It doesn't just happen. Also persevere with your DD keep communicating and always be there for her. Children go through phases when you're closer or not but if you keep the door open it usually pays off.

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 20:38:05

Thank you lazycrazy...I was hoping to hear from someone like you who has been there.

I find it super hard to make the deeper connections with women which I put down to being raised by my dad and having 2 older brothers. I had best friend / soulmates until everyone dispersed to different areas in our 20s and the busyness of family life has meant I've let's those slip further. I think my self esteem is low which hinders things but I do need to push on and find these close friendships for the future.

I know I can't give up on a 6 yr old, it's just been a tough few months where I feel like I have lost her. She favours her dad and its quite devastating. He's the fun one who comes home from work with hugs and smiles whereas I'm the one hurrying her for the school run, reminding her about homework and reading practice and insisting she eat her vegetables.

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 20:40:24

Oh and I have never met a single other female who doesn't have a mum. I would love to meet one and share stories. Honestly, never. It makes me feel very very odd and a real outsider. When friends & acquaintances talk of all the help their mums give them with the kids and homelife it's really heartbreaking.

ofudginghell Sat 12-Aug-17 20:47:03

Hi op.
I have parents and an older sister.
I don't confide or offload on my either my mum or sister
My mum normally offloads on me so can be a real negative tie so I keep things light in general,don't get me wrong I love her to bits and we txt each other to say hi how was your day etc.
My dsis well what can I say. Her and my mum are attatched at the hip and I don't fit the shape I'm afraid.
Dsis is very needy and very weak as a person so I'm pretty much never included.
I have a couple of good work friends but again keep my hands close and I have an awesome bf that has been in my life for over 20 years.
Her dh and mine are best buds and our dc are similar ages too.
Although it's good to chat and we do talk about personal stuff I still tend to keep a lot of things in if I'm honest.

This forum is amazing though smile

In regards to having a 6 yr old I'm with you.
I have a 7 ur old dd and 12 yr old dd and they are bloody hard work aren't they?
Feel free to pm if you ever feel like offloading or chatting.
I find it really helps aswell

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 21:22:12

Thank you!

It's great that you have a bf of 20 years. This is what I need. Quality over quantity in friendships all the way.

Yes, I'm finding my DD incredibly hard work. I don't want to stereotype but DS seems very chilled so far in comparison. Hopefully it's a phase and we can get through the other side. Fingers crossed.

BackforGood Sat 12-Aug-17 21:39:33

I think it will help if you can get to a stage where you 'accept' you don't have female relatives, and 'open up' to the possibility of friendships with other women. It might help to know that just because you have a blood relative that you are close to them. Many people aren't.
I've only ever talked 'issues' and 'offloaded to female friends, not to relatives. I wonder if you are holding on to an 'ideal' of what you think your relationship would have been like with your Mum or if you had a sister.

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 22:27:18

Backforgood - I definitely do go through periods of acceptance. And I fully appreciate that plenty of people have difficult relationships with family members. But I do know lots of people who have great relationships with their mums and sisters and I notice that and yearn for it.

I also feel for the child I was and the teenager who didn't have the love and support she needed. Again I need to move on and put it in the past. It's just sad that some people get really lucky with their parental upbringing and others don't.

Taking lots from this thread, thank you all. Just need to pick myself up and get proactive. And stay positive that my marriage can survive the bumps in the road confused

moatstart Sat 12-Aug-17 22:37:36

I feel the same OP.

I nearly started an aibu thread about it!

upsidedown2017 Sat 12-Aug-17 22:50:10

Ah, what would you have wrote moatstart? Interested to hear your story.

moatstart Sat 12-Aug-17 22:55:19

Well, not having a mum seems almost commonplace on here. But I know no one in RL.

I am surrounded by people who take for granted an easy and close relationship with their mother's.

Mine is dead now. I craved a parent figure a lot when younger. Maybe I still do. In my 30s. Pathetic hey.

turtlecreek Sat 12-Aug-17 23:21:04

Hi upsidedown, I get you. I lost my mum in childhood and have no sisters just brothers. I have daughters now and that is some comfort but hard aswell iyswim. I am going through a down patch atm. I think I am probably older than you. I am weary without the support system and DH isn't very understanding. Perhaps we can be friends. smile

ofudginghell Sat 12-Aug-17 23:31:28

This is turning into a lovely supporting thread where clearly lots of ladies feel similar to you op.
Those of us with dc will also totally relate to the difficult stages in ages of dc so please don't feel alone and like you can't or don't know if it's normal or not because trust me it's normal to feel at the end of your rope especially if your going thru a bumpy patch with dh.
Me and dh had an exceptionally bumpy patch last year and I won't lie it was horrendous and I shared more here than I did with anyone in rl including my bf as I just found that easier to be honest.

How long have you been married?
It's hard isn't it juggling difficult phases dc are having as well as trying to keep a normal family home,work,dh and all the usual that comes with.
It's perfectly ok to feel bogged down by it all every now and then.
I used to constantly tell myself to get back on top but it's hard sometimes.
Posting here and reading other posts made me realise it is normal and it's also good to offload.

outabout Sat 12-Aug-17 23:44:27

Just because your DH is a bit uncommunicative, try not to shut him out as I presume he loves you deep down and is just not forthcoming with expressions you might expect.
Your little one will come back to you soon I would expect.
Hang in there!

Gohackyourself Sun 13-Aug-17 07:56:57

Hi op,
My mum walked out on my brother and I when I was 7.(obviously due to marriage problem)
It confused me at that age, but it really caught up with me in my late 20s and when I had my first ds.
I got very bad pnd, took years of anti depressants and counselling to come through.
All I can say is that you will get to a point of acceptance but your not at that point yet.its totally understandable feeling you have no anchor when your marriage is in trouble.

I also split with ds dad when he was similar age to your daughter and it was horrendous with the Disney dad was better, brighter, more fun than me.
I just kept going.that was all I could do at the time and my son who is now nearly 10 has started to see through his dad when he lets him down on visiting times or lack of monies due to taking on another woman and her kids.

I know this post is not much help, just letting you know your not alone.i think you need to concentrate on your marriage/partner and see if it's what you really want, put to one side this floundering feeling of the blood ties female relations, because quite honestly some people have mothers around who are awful.

Make a little plan on dh and your dd, concentrate on those relations and take it from there.

turtlecreek Sun 13-Aug-17 09:04:59

I agree with previous poster, you do go through a few years of intense emotions but that will pass an an acceptance does follow but that feeling of loss of support and interest in your family doesn't go away. What are your Inlaw's like?

Have you read a book called Motherless Mother's? Also I think there is a website called that too. This was a real comfort during the early years and it helped me understand some of the intense emotions and difficulties I had with parenting in the early years.

turtlecreek Sun 13-Aug-17 09:07:00

YoLoZammo Sun 13-Aug-17 10:25:02

OP have you looked into an elderly befriending service local to you? There is a poster in my GP surgery about this. Basically older people get isolated really easily and often have family thst lice a long way away and look for younger people to befriend them, visit and generally be part of their lives. Maybe this could work for you too? It's organised properly you just need to sign up and be matched. It's like rent a grandparent! Well obviously not exactly but could lead to friendships with the older generation that could benefit both of you.

Chloe421 Sun 13-Aug-17 11:01:38

Hi OP I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. Also lost my mother during childhood although we didn't have a close relationship anyway. There have been times when I have felt how great it would be to have that form of female support system. I am lucky to have a few close friends who have my back but would like to expand on these relationships with other women moving forward. Like yourself I find it difficult to form friendships with other women... perhaps due to my journey. I have also found that people often 'feel sorry' for my family situation/ history which I cannot stand. Other posters have made some great suggestions re going out, mums groups, school clubs etc. I've noticed that there a few local (platonic!) meet up sites on line aimed at connecting likeminded ladies, some of which offer organised activities... walks, coffee mornings etc if this is something you would be interested in.

VelvetSpoon Sun 13-Aug-17 11:36:00

OP, i get where you're coming from, I was very close to my mum, but she died when i was 21. We spent a lot of time together, would have holidayed together once i was working. I am still pretty heartbroken about the fact I've lived my adult life without her and I'm 45 now.

I have no siblings, no grandparents, no female cousins, I have 3 surviving aunties but wasn't close to them and haven't seen them for 4 years (since another aunties funeral) plus 2 have dementia. I've basically felt pretty much on my own all my life, certainly since my dad died when I was 25.

I have a big circle of friends. But not really close friends in the main. You know those facebook memes, 'you're on the run/ in trouble with the police/ blah blah...who do you call?'

I wouldn't have a single friend I'd feel able to call in any emergency.

This has been brought into focus this year as I have a lot of crap going on and not one person i can discuss it with.

I have my bf (boyfriend), and my teenage DC (both boys) for support, but not much help if its them the issue is with. Fuck knows what I'll do when the DC have left home and if bf leaves me...

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