Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Will he ever propose?(272 Posts)
I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.
If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.
Don't ruin it with impatience. Let the surprise come. Not to sound patronising, but you're only 26. Lots of time. There are a myriad of reasons he's taking his time; saving money for the 'right' ring, choosing a specific date, making sure he is ready too... The list goes on.
Don't let this ruin the here and now. Patience.
Just ask him when he intends to propose. Really simple. You should tell your partner that now you have discussed it that you now want some indication of where you all are in the plan. Ask nicely though.
As no one else has asked it yet, it may as well be me.... Why don't YOU propose to him?
My ex told me for a year he was going to propose. Got me to send him pretty rings, I did.
He got my hopes up continually - I started getting envious of all the engagements around me and it hurt.
Then he fucked off after decided commitment wasn't quite for him - and had the cheek to blame it on me being "pushy". Despite HIM telling ME he wanted to marry and asking ME to send HIM rings.
Arse & hole.
Agree with PP - your boyfriend probably isn't a monumental thundercunt like mine was, so don't ruin it with impatience.
I don't know what to suggest but if you are living together five years, a formal 'proposal' doesn't really seem necessary really. Just ask him I think.
Sorry, looking back at my post I only posted half the story! This all came to a head last weekend when he yet again wanted me to go ring shopping with him AGAIN. I asked him if he wanted to get married, and told him that I don't need a flashy proposal and would rather we agree upon a wedding date rather than have a long engagement (one of my friends has been engaged for 4 years with no wedding in sight but that is another story).
He has told me that he would like to propose to me as it is important to him and that he would when the "time was right". I am just confused by the whole situation. I am not in a mad rush to get married but don't like having a carrot (wedding ring shopping) constantly dangled in front of me. I was excited to begin with but I am loosing patience with looking at rings. We have been to 25 wedding ring shops not to mention sat down together and looked online. Everytime we have been to a shop I have found something that I liked so I cannot understand why the delay.
I think, based on your responses I should play along and give him till Christmas. If nothing comes of it, I will propose to him?
I'd say just stop looking. If you've been to 25 ring shops then there's really no point in continually "shopping". Tbh if it was me the next time he said "oh let's look for rings / let's just have a look on this shop" I'd say "no thanks - we've looked at rings enough that by now you should know the type I like. I'd prefer you not to bring it up until you decide you want to propose".... It just seems a bit like he's put this in your head and now stringing you along without actually proposing to you....
Alternatively you could also just sit down and say something along the lines of.... I'd really like to start trying for a family by X age, so if really like for us to be married by Y" i know it's not amazingly romantic but it would give an idea to timeframes.
And then always the third choice of just proposing to him
Me and now Dh had been together 6 years and the relationship showed no signs of developing. Like you I felt a bit dragged along following a carrot. In the end I said to him I either want the get married, think about having children or if he didn't want our lives to follow the same path then think about calling it a day (I didn't want this option). He proposed the following year and we got married the year after that. Some say I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum- it wasn't an ultimatum I just couldn't sit and watch life floating past and not doing the things I wanted to do and if he wasn't happy he couldn't have taken my 3rd option
Thank you for the advice, this is new territory for me and I really need guidance.
Part of me was wondering if I am being unreasonable. I suppose that I put marriage in his head to begin with by refusing to agree to have children without being married. This is something that I cannot compromise on though, my mother had me when she was not married and it did not work out well for her and I do not want to go through what she had to.
I was quite happy to keep going as we are till we are a bit older but am getting bored of being taken ring shopping when there appears to be no point. I will be patient and see what happens. If anyone else has any advice I am all ears!
I think it's fair enough to say "I think you have a good idea of what I like now" and not go ring shopping again. Have a time frame in mind and either propose yourself or decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you at that point.
I think you're right not to have dc until after marriage btw, there's nothing easily achievable or comparable by way of protections should you become a sahm.
I'd refuse to go again. Tell him your sick of all the dicking about.
He is stringing you along. Why? Because he now knows perfectly well what type of ring you would like, yet you are still not engaged. Those two facts should be telling you what you need to know.
26 is very young these days to be married. Remember what you said in your original post about him putting the idea into your head and your belief that you want to be married before having DC? The time and situation should be right for you, and the other person should be serious.
Oh god don't agree to look at any more rings. Just tell him that after 25 shops it's clear what you like.
Stick to your guns though, no marriage, no children as it is clearly important to you. Too many women on here start threads when they have assumed a proposal will follow the birth of children - and it doesn't,
Totally odd on his part that you have been to 25 shops looking at rings, and he still wants to look at more!
What exactly is he expecting to find?!
I suppose that I put marriage in his head to begin with by refusing to agree to have children without being married.
That's not unreasonable though. He asked you a question, you answered it honestly.
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think he's just being a bit of a twit and there's no deliberate stringing along. You were both perfectly happy before, but now he's brought this subject up (maybe a little on the early side for both of you) he feels he has to move things on like it's some sort of irreversible process and he apparently can't think of any way of doing that other than repeatedly "ring shopping". It's all a bit annoying, putting pressure on you both while draining a bit of the magic out of it, but I don't think it's malicious.
Just say the ring-shopping was fun
the first four times but now that's done and leave the ball in his court and focus on something else fun like planning a holiday. If he's gagging to propose then that's what he'll do, if not maybe you'll both get to a point where it's REALLY clear you both want to get married. Other people are saying give him an ultimatum but I don't think you really want to? If he'd never raised the subject you wouldn't even be thinking about marriage yet by the sound of it.
Oh, although if he suddenly wants to start ttc and when you protest that you want to be married first says "but we've been ring-shopping" then none of what I've said applies and you should run a mile!
Agree with TheNaze73
It can hardly be described as ring shopping since no purchase has been made! I don't really understand the point, surely he has a good idea of the type of ring you like? Why continue to drag you around, getting your hopes up?
I would just refuse to go.
Thank you for the advice. This is why I am so confused? Who wants to spend nearly every spare weekend ring shopping (no offence intended). I cannot believe it myself! It is only when I sat going through things I realised how many shops we have been too and how many weekends we have lost looking at rings. The whole thing is getting too much now and I don't have the patience to keep looking/travelling to look for rings. Part of me wonders if he is stringing me along but if he is why would be want to waste so much of his time on this ring hunting if it is all a big joke.
I agree with the posters though, enough is enough. That is why things came to ahead this weekend because I did not want to go looking at rings again and will not be doing so going forward. He was actually surprised that I did not want to look at more rings. As I said before this is all new to me and I have no idea how many shops people tend to look at but 25 seems way too much for me.
Agree to go ring shopping with him one more time. Choose a ring you like and pay for it there and then. Tell him he can skip the proposal bit because you want to marry him.
I can't think of anything I'd need to shop for 25 times. Even buying houses my record is 21
Just laugh off any more suggestions of further ring shopping with "if you don't know what I like by now, you never will." and firmly refuse if he pushes it. You've done it death, he knows your taste. No more.
If you want to get married just agree together that you will and then do it.
Why be so passive? Sitting around waiting for this guy to bestow in you the mighty gift of his commitment?
If the proposal was that important to him he'd have done it already. That ship have surely sailed by now.
Just say; 'are we getting married or not?'
In fact, go ring shopping one more time and just buy a damn ring... and say, 'There, we're engaged, how 'bout next June?'
25 ring shops ? Bloody hell. If you're doing this what is the point in a proposal? Just buy the ring and set a date.
Ok so when you say yes that's a ring you'd really like. That's THE one! What's his reaction? Why so many stores and so often? I hate to say it but it does sound like he's deliberately dangling the carrot.
I was with a guy many many years ago. Did a similar thing. Even went as far as pretending he'd gone back in to order a ring. He seemed to get a weird kick out of seeing me try rings on. It got really awkward. I'd say yes, this is the one bit off we'd go to another store. I binned him.
DH proposed with a ring I loved and that was that. This all sounds so frustrating OP. Ask him outright what's going on?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.